We're both single at the same time for the first time. Will it change anything?

[Celia24]

I had a long distance male friend (pen pal) for 10 years as a kid living in different continents before we met as adults. He's been my rock as long as I can remember and vice versa.

Now when I was 22 he moved closer and we finally spent time together but I kept him at arms length due to my then boyfriend. Later I developed a small crush on him. But he was in a relationship by then. At the time he said he thought we'd be better off staying friends because most romantic relationships end & he couldn't bear to lose me. It was all very dramatic thinking back...

Since then we've gone on lots of trips together with partners and mutual friends and we're still best friends. In the last year we've spent more time together than ever before & he told he me he left his serious girlfriend a few months ago. We're both now early 30s and single at the same time for the first time.

Since telling mutual friends about the break up two have reacted by asking if we might get together once things calm down. I was a bit shocked. I see him as family and I love him like I do my closest friends & family.

Should I be looking at him in a new light or being open to it? Or is this coming from the idea that women and men can't really just be friends? They've planted a seed I wasn't even thinking about!

Sounds like it's now or never

I agree, it's now or never. I would definitely give this one a go!

I would also like him, think it was his idea though!

@bumpytrumpy @determinedtomakethiswork

The pros are:

• we are already best friends, so a lot of trust and love there etc. We've seen each other through illness, bereavements and break ups. We have a lot of fun.
• I do find him attractive and he has told me likewise.
• it could lead to a long lasting relationship

Cons

• if we lose each other then we might lose a friendship too. He said this before 10 years ago & I don't know what he thinks now.
• because we're close friends there is a bit less mystery than when you first start dating.
• I've never been open to feeling a spark as we were never single at the same time so I'm not exactly how I feel, or how he might feel.

I don't see him making a move out of the blue. At the moment I'm not sure if I can see him in 'that way'. I just know we're looking for similar things and it's our friends that have put the thought in my head to think about.

You're clearly open to the idea otherwise you would have a wtf reaction to your friends. It depends what you want from a relationship but if you've never really thought about him that way, I'm not sure that translates into a lasting romantic relationship.

Either of you could at any point ended your relationship saying you want to be together.
If you felt deeply about one another that's what would have happenedif you'd have wanted to be a couple you would have been.

I don't mean affair. I mean doing the decent thing and ending your respective relationships.

But you both repeatedly chose other people.

That's not a star crossed lovers sort of thing.

I understand and think you make a valid point @IncompleteSenten . One thing is we didn't meet in person for many years and when we did we were already in established relationships.

You might be right in saying that if it was meant to be it would have been by now. I've thought about that too.

He's recently told me he values other things now that he didn't appreciate in his 20s like emotional intelligence etc. He loved his ex & they had a lot of fun together but important aspects were missing. I probably haven't always valued the best qualities either. I think we've both grown up a lot for the better.

That doesn't mean we should be together. Right now I really valued him as a great friend and maybe that's how it's meant to stay!

@Doyoumind I have thought about him that way once ten years ago. I never allow my mind to wander in that way when I'm committed to someone else and vice versa. Tbh my reaction to friends was 'wtf' but I understand why they wonder about it.

Recently he gave me a gift that men give to the women they love romantically in his culture, like on valentines day. Maybe it was friendly but it did seem a loving gesture. But then we do love each other as friends!

For me, I couldn't actually see us getting down and dirty. if you can get past that boundary, go for it!

@Orders76 I take it you were in a similar situation?

That's the true test I suppose! I don't think of my friends in that way when either of us are committed. The next time we meet we'll both be free so I suppose I'll see if the dynamic feels changed at all.

No. He’s known you long enough to be really smitten with you and if he were he’d have broken it off with his gf the minute you became single. He probably just thinks you’re attractive enough to sleep with but ultimately a relationship wouldn’t work. This is basically what he meant when he said you’d ‘be better off staying friends because most romantic relationships end & he couldn't bear to lose me’. He basically gave you a romanticised brush off.

@Kickingupmerrybehaviour agree he finds me attractive because he told me.

It was a romanticized brush off yeah. I don't think a relationship would've worked 10 years ago when he said that though. I was only 22, neurotic and a bit of a mess but I'm not like that now.

I think I should put friends comments to one side for now. I still love him as a friend and that will continue. If something changes in the future that's for another time. I plan to start dating again soon which is the right move for me 🙂