Your best life advice for someone stuck in a rut?

[Wondering917]

I didn't know where to post this. But I am stuck in a rut and I need a kick up the ar*e....

I am turning 30 in August. I am unhappy in my job, I am applying for SO many but don't get anywhere. I like to think that I am a bright individual but I have always lacked confidence and self-belief, and I think this comes across sometimes. My career has not developed at all (and that is partly because my manager doesn't want to develop me I don't think), and I find myself constantly comparing myself to my friends and peers who are doing great things and earning loads more money than me.

I have never had a serious relationship. I am trying to date, but this isn't getting me anywhere. A lot of my friends are in serious relationships, with some getting married and some even having babies now. I am so far off that, yet I would love to bring home to my parent's a lovely partner who will become friends with them. They aren't getting any younger (both 67) and it makes me sad to think that they might never see me getting married if I don't find someone (I want to get married, this isn't their wish).

I am unhappy with the way I look too. Overweight, no fashion sense, and I don't really practice much self-care behind the getting showered, dressed, putting basic make up on.

I know I need to make a lot of changes but I just get completely overwhelmed with where to start. I probably am catastrophizing, and I am not looking for sympathy, but rather pragmatic (nice) advice...

TIA.

Go work abroad

Canada, Australia, New Zealand all have cheap visas within your age group

Yes I am considering Australia.

I think the advice to work abroad is quite good. It will definitely give you a kick start and force you to develop skills you didn’t realise you had. Everyone I know who has done it has found it life changing.

Otherwise, start thinking about what you want your life to look like. Divide it into sections (career, health, love life etc) and start a plan. It doesn’t have to be overnight or huge. Small changes in each area will soon add up. Like walking to work instead of getting the bus. Spend the bus fare on something just for you, like a really nice bubble bath. It’s small but it’s the first few steps in you realising that you’re important and you deserve to take care of yourself. Draw up a career plan. Are there any courses you can go on. Don’t ask your boss if there is any way you could develop. Find a course, tell your boss that you want them to put you forward for it and give them points as to how it will benefit the business if they do. Is there a mentoring programme in your work? Do you know anyone with a career you admire who might be able to provide you with advice?

Hang out with your 30 yr old mates who aren't getting married. There must be a couple

Forget about comparing life is a journey not a race with final prizes

Baby steps will make a lot of difference

Do a TEFL course. Get a job somewhere exciting. Pack your bags. Go.
Stop worrying about careers and future children.
Live in the moment. You are still young. It's a huge fascinating world out there.

Thanks all

Any more advice?

I have definitely been here OP

My true advice would be to just stop thinking. Give yourself a week off (if you can have a holiday from work even better. Sleep as much as you need, eat good food- lots of protein and nutritious stuff and drink plenty of water. As you rest and stop thinking of it so overtly, things will settle.
Then, after a week get a giant bit of paper and write literally everything you are thinking like a giant mind map. Write down tiny things like 'I never put make up on anymore' to massive things like 'what country do I want to live in?'
Then leave it a day.
Next day, new paper and sort all the mind map stuff into their own categories. Health, Self Esteem, Fitness, Work, Relationships etc
At this point, I write all the problems down one side and all the solutions down the other. Some will be easy fixes like 'My hair is always messy' SOLUTION 'I will dry and straighten my hair each morning before work' 'I haven't got any nice tops for work' SOLUTION 'I will go shopping this weekend and buy 2 tops'
You won't have the solutions to everything straight away but I find that once some of the smaller things are out of my brain and I have solved them, it gives me more room to make other plans.
Change is hard- you have to really commit to it, but one thing at a time really works.

Don't try to tackle everything at once, you will get overwhelmed. Try to break down the change you want to make into manageable parts and practical actions, and set youself a timeframe for achieving them. So for example, if you want to improve your career, what are 3 things you could do in the next month? For example, you could ask for a meeting with your manager to talk about development opportunities, identify and enrol on a training course, get advice on your CV etc. Also, it's really important to focus on things you can control, which includes your own thoughts and responses to things that happen.

Which thing is the most important thing to change for you.I would start with health when you fell more energetic other things will be easier to decide.You say you are over weight do you want to lose weight?make a healthy diet plan today,start walking tomorrow.Small steps.When you are able and can afford buy a couple of new items of clothing,have your hair cut.Look after yourself and discover new belief in yourself then other decisions will follow.Good luck,enjoy your life.

I would read Martin Seligman on Optimism. You framed a lot quite negatively in your post and you’ll see, if you read his book, the power of framing things positively. It has a knock on effect in terms of making you more resilient and therefore more likely to succeed. That’s my tip: change your mindset a bit. I do think it’s a good book!

Thank you

I actually love the idea of working abroad. Or somewhere new in the UK! What sector do you work in? Do you have a degree?

Also, this thread from last week had some great suggestions. Give it a read!

Totally relate to parts of this.

Firstly, when my career was in a rut I did a few courses- level 3 then Level 4 in a vocational subject- so I could immediately use the skills I had learned. Getting a second career going also bolsters up the first and gives you options- eg security (pays frim £14 an hour and you get to see loads of concerts and parties), it gives you a higher income and less time to eat and mope. You will also meet new people.

Re weight, join the calorie counting threads, join a gym and go regularly, join a walking or running group- they go to amazing places, it’s a good way to meet people and again not sit home and eat.

I know they aren’t popular on here but some influencers are good at showing you how to put together a look. If you go to a department store, they will do your make up and show you how to recreate that look at home.

Re relationships- you sound a little but lost and down on yourself. Although you can find love from this place, a better starting place is getting to know and like yourself, do things you enjoy and feel happier. Getting some insight into how you behave in relationship, what you are looking for, what your goals are etc will make the right relationship easier. To me, I don’t think you are really letting the barriers down and letting people in.

It is hard to see other people achievng those milestones and you not- but never compare- it doesn’t help. If you see life as a journey with so much to see and learn and celebrate other peoples joys you will be much happier.

Getting married is great- but it’s forever and forever is a long time.
Having kids is amazing- but you have to give them 20 years of love, patience and attention and it’s hard work!
Getting a house is fantastic- but you can’t leave your job if you don’t like it, you are chained into the repayments- and it means you might stay longer in a bad relationship.

So, go on a girly singles holiday. Have some real fun then take a look at what really motivates you, inspires you and brings you joy. Go ona voyage of self discovery.

My tip for all of the above though- it all takes hard work. You want marriage- pour your heart and soul into finding and achieving a great relationship.
You want kids- heart and soul into it

Career- ditto.

My friend the CEO often says everyone wants what he has but not many are prepared to work really hard to get it.

Thank you