I find my mum such hard work

[overitunderit]

I really want to have a close relationship with my mum but I find her so critical and difficult to be around that I find myself being so awkward and uncomfortable with her. As a child she used to minimise my feelings subtly but as an adult she makes negative or critical digs all the time. For example this morning she arrived at our house to collect my DC for the day and I was slow answering the door. I opened the door and she goes "finally." And then addressed to my one year old "what's your mummy like. We've been standing her for ages."

Another example- I'm telling her about a village we want to live in and she goes "but what is there in x"? And proceeds to tell me how hard it would be to get the children to school etc. i ignored it then later on I say again "we've seen a nice house in x village" and she again reacts negatively about it- "is there anything really in x?" Pulling a face.

I want to be the sort of mum and daughter who goes for wine or hangs out together but we literally never do. I find myself having to temper everything I'm saying in case she is critical about it.

For some reason I'm not able to just accept her how she is I find her so triggering and difficult. My dad by contrast also isn't perfect but for some reason I can accept him as he is.

When I was on maternity leave I did end up telling her how I felt about it and we have a huge argument. I told her that I felt she didn't support me and she didn't take responsibility for anything she does. Her reaction was so defensive as it always is.

I don't know what help I'm looking for I just wish it was different and I want to have a better relationship but I don't know how

If my dp doesn't agree with me on something (and this happens quite often) I just laugh and say, " Just say yes! Just agree ffs!! And he realizes it's not up for debate.

I still have to tell my mum "don't be so bloody negative".

I don't rely on her for childcare though - if you do, it's a whole different ballgame.

You've tried. She's not going to change. Is she like this with other people?

Try to start emotionally distancing yourself from her. You find yourself changing your behaviour to avoid her reaction, that's not healthy. Your child/ren see this and learn from it. Put your love and efforts into yourself and your own family.

Grey rock her. I'm sorry, it's shit, but you need to protect yourself and future generations and stop the cycle

What a rude, unpleasant, unhelpful response. YOU get a grip!

@overitunderit You need to (as a pp has said) just nod and say 'yeah yeah yeah,' and grey-rock her... because the kind of person your mum is feeds off the attention and reaction. When she is not getting it, she falls down then, and hits a brick wall. I know a few people with mothers like this, and ignoring their petulant attention seeking behaviour is the only thing you can do. OR go low contact.

I hear you.

my mum is very critical of anything I do and very controlling. and racist and homophobic

distance helps. physical and other contact.
we meet max every 2 months, often less and call maybe once a month.
we talk about the weather and other trivial things. anything else and we either fight or clam up.

Why would anyone think to write out such a mean spirited and irrelevant response?

Trying to jump on the 'mean girls' bandwagon, were you?

FFS

She probably won’t change. If you find the relationship is overall beneficial, just smile and ignore the digs.

you could try diffusing it, so if you were slow answering the door, you might just say ‘sorry’ possibly followed by ‘ I was in the loo!’ Or whatever.

of course this is much too non- confrontational for MN.

I should add...I'm actually very close to mum and love her to bits.

She does have a strange default "see the problem" mode in everything though, so I have had to tell her, often, to stop moaning.

even something like "I'm going to see x show" can result in "oh, I heard from neighbour's auntie ghost of dead bird that was brought in by the cat, that it's rubbish". So I do tell her direct, adult to adult.

I don’t have a great relationship with my mother, she never seemed interested in anything I did or said. Still doesn’t but in her 90s with beginnings of dementia I’m less bothered. She can still trigger me though.

inthink when the societal expectation is that there should always be this special mother/daughter relationship and it’s shoved down our throats constantly we feel we’re not normal. But hey, they are humans and some humans just aren’t great at being mothers. Grey rock is what I do but I don’t have to worry about child care

Oh dear, I can sympathise. I have one like this too, right down to the talking to the kids about 'what is mummy like?!'

It's difficult because when she makes a negative comment, I'm right back to that dynamic of childhood and I get defensive.

DH is brilliant with her as he doesn't have that history.

So, for example, if she comments about the messy house because the kids are playing an epic game and toys are everywhere, my default is to be defensive or make an excuse - "I haven't had a chance to tidy" or some such (because the child in me thinks it's my fault).
DH will counter the negative with something positive like 'yes, isn't it fantastic they can enjoy their home so much'... kind of takes the wind out of her sails.

Or a classic one she does - "I won't help with the dishes because I don't know how you stack your dishwasher" (negative)
Me - "I didn't ask for your help anyway." (negative)
DH - 'Oh, I don't actually have a system. I do it differently each time, so you go for it. Surprise me!" (positive!)
(Ha, maybe you always need two negative answers before the positive is reached )

It's soooo hard though. Also, I do think the childcare dynamic might play into this. For example, she is taking your DC so presumably you arranged a time for this. So she shows up thinking she is doing you a favour, and then you keep her waiting.
It's her job to be there, it's your job to be ready for her. (Is what she is likely thinking).

It's a tough one for sure.

On the plus side, it has made me hyper aware of NOT being like this with my kids. (I probably over-compensate and am that nauseating parent you hear in the playground 'Oh good see-sawing!" "Fantastic climbing!" "Epic swinging! You are so clever!"😂)

Sorry if I should know this but what's grey rock?

I think I need to somehow cultivate a light hearted or rolling eyes response but every time she does it it creates this immediate response in my body which makes me want to immediately shut down or get angry or just puts a further wall up between us. I also worry that my DC will see our relationship and somehow see it as normal and we will end up the same- it would break my heart to have the same relationship with them that me and my mum have.

The problem with my mum is that she's very defensive and so raising things can make things even worse.

I feel like we used to be closer but somehow in the last few years it's just so much less comfortable and I never confide in her or ask for her advice anymore because to be honest I don't trust her with my emotions or my secrets. Another example- when I was in labour I told her and asked her not to tell anyone. Next thing I know I'm getting a text from a family friend who had heard it from her dad who had been told by my dad at the pub! When I confronted her about it I got "oh well I can't control what your dad does!" "What's the big deal anyways?!" Etc.

I want to learn to let go of the painful things she says or has let me down over but I don't know how. I want to accept her for how she is but I don't know how.

I do rely on her for childcare because I want her to have a good relationship with my children and don't get me wrong we see each other a fair amount in family groups but I feel the one on one dynamic isn't good. I see how she is with her friends and other family and she seems so much more relaxed with them. It seems like it's just me she's so critical of.

To be honest reading what I've said makes me think I might need some therapy! I clearly haven't let go of a lot of stuff I seem to be holding from childhood and afterwards and it doesn't seem helpful to me or my DC.

One of my most vivid memories of my mum is me asking when I was a child who she loved most, me or my step dad. She answered "I love you differently". Now that I'm a parent I can see what she was trying to say but it's a total non brainer for me and I know I love my children above anyone else. She probably forgot she said it as soon as she said it but it's stayed with me forever and is another feature of our relationship- I've never felt she has my back or values me above other people. She's always at pains to point out other peoples opinions as the other side to a story rather than sometimes just going "yeah that's shit, sounds like you had a hard time".

The thing is my dad is also hyper critical in the sense of if I got Bs in an exam he would ask why they aren't As. But somehow he doesn't affect me in the way my mum does.

Yes, in the case of the labour - annoying but not unusual she told your dad (she was probably excited!) Tbf, sounds like he was the one who shared it outside the family- she was defensive because she knew she'd got it wrong and it was out of her control. BUT she could have apologised to you "I'm really sorry, I got that wrong. I understand how that must have made you feel".

She probably feels she is walking on eggshells around you and is trying to figure out the big mystery of why you get cross with each other when actually it's pretty simple. You would just like empathy, not excuses.

Perhaps tell her that is how you would like her to repsond? I don't know - (this advice probably wouldn't fly with my mum either!)

Also, she can be close to your kids without providing childcare. It might make the relationship between you easier if there is no expectation or transaction involved? She is easy with her friends because they are in a more even/equal relationship - no caring or parent/child dynamic.

Do you actually NEED her for childcare or are you letting it happen because you want DC to have a relationship? Because I'm not sure that would be a good idea.

Firstly she's criticising you in front of them - what's she saying when you're not there? Secondly she'll start on the DC soon enough, criticising them directly. Thirdly your fear that the DC will assume that it's OK to put you down and will copy her.

The idea that children must have a relationship with their GPs isn't always right. Only if the GPs add something positive to their lives.

I'm the same, actually quite close with my mum but still her negative view of the world taints everything.
She doesn't understand why anyone would bother doing something she's not interested in, so it's constant negative comments, or snipey remarks, always looking for the bad in something. Watches and listens to the news constantly and seems to revel in doom and gloom.

I deal with it by limiting my contact or deflecting or ignoring what she says, but I understand OP, it's very draining.
I also worry that it's an age thing and that I will end up like this, and I really don't want to.

So much sympathy OP. My mother is like this and I really understand you physically seizing up and changing behaviour in her presence.

I also tried to ensure she cultivated relationships with my dc because I didn’t want my relationship with her to sabotage that. As they have got older however they have seen how she treats me and one has now gone NC with her. The other enjoys her company but with a healthy dose of scepticism.

All you can really do is work on yourself. I found therapy helpful for talking about these things and ensuring I could be a better mother to my dc and not repeat those patterns. It also helped me feel less guilty about my rubbish relationship with my mum.

You can be a great mother, even with a poor role model! But you can only work on yourself and not your mother.

I had counselling but I had gone there for other reasons. What bubbled to the surface was my relationship with my mother. She's from a different generation and I was a mistake. Not that I had an unhappy childhood and I can see from her perspective that having to embark on the baby stage in your 40s when you thought that was behind you would have been tough. But her unfulfilment in life and her emotional absence in mine has had an impact. She wanted for me what she had for herself, which was little education, married off, admin job and babies whether it suited me or not. If I dare to be different, she can't cope with it. She always looked on the worst case scenario of things that I actually wondered how she managed to leave the house. Always thought the worst of every situation, no interest in what me or my family had been doing, little conversation.

Grey rock is just seeing her as an elderly person I help with once a week rather than my mum. I just try to let her comments wash over me and ignore them but it is hard and I still get triggered. I have to consider every conversation so I don't say something that she could respond with a trigger. e.g. I had been away for the weekend with the girls but if I told her that she'd pipe up if my DH was ok about babysitting implying that I shouldn't have a life for myself and stay at home and look after my own kids. In the end I told her something that DS had done all by himself (a certain type of hobby) and she still triggered me by saying he takes after his Uncle (my brother) rather than acknowledging that this is my hobby also and he may actually have been influenced by me rather than his Uncle whom he's never done this hobby with. It's so tiring and draining. Then the guilt kicks in because I don't feel the love that everyone else seems to naturally have for their mother. But rest assured you are not alone. There are many of us around but as it's a topic that makes folk feel awkward discussion then it never gets discussed.