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Original poster

Would you send the email....?

29 replies

DollyTrolly · 25/04/2023 14:59

I have a friend who is in a relationship with a dangerous man and I'm really worried for her. We're not super close but we're a few steps up from acquaintance. We met at work and occasionally socialise in the same groups, we're friends on social media etc but we're not close enough to socialise just the two of us.

She started seeing someone about 6 months ago, I happen to know of him and his reputation. He's spent time in prison for DV (pleaded down from attempted murder to a lesser charge) and is known to be violent and aggressive as well as jealous and controlling.

She is completely in love with him and he's convinced her that his prison sentence was a miscarriage of justice and he's not the person people think he is, however I know for a fact this isn't true. I've seen evidence of this violent behaviour since they have been together. He has completely 'love bombed' her and is about to move in to her house. I've spoken to her and told her what I know and what I've seen but he's convinced her I'm making it up.
He's already isolating her from her friends and she no longer speaks to me.

I know that she's not told her family about his past, because they would not approve and would be concerned for her. She told me this when she started seeing him.

Would I be unreasonable to email her sister telling her what I know? It's really worrying me because he is a very dangerous man and I believe she is in danger.

if I did email it would have to be anonymous as I'd be really worried about him finding out but I'd feel better if her family knew and could at least look out for her. At the moment they've no idea.

Or should I just stay out of it as we're not that close anyway?

OP posts:
MusicansMum · 25/04/2023 15:02

I would definitely tell her sister and I would provide any evidence I could, too. She could then speak to the local police about it.

Original poster
DollyTrolly · 25/04/2023 15:07

The reason he ended up prison was widely reported by the press and there are pictures of the injuries he inflicted. He's changed his name since he was released so even if her sister had looked him up she's wouldn't have seen anything.

I know of him so know what he used to be called and what he's capable of...I feel a bit of coward doing it anonymously but he terrifies me!

OP posts:
Original poster
DollyTrolly · 25/04/2023 15:07

I could also suggest the sister does a Clare's Law request I guess which would provide evidence too.

OP posts:
whatausername · 25/04/2023 15:14

As long as you anonymise it there is little to be lost. Be calm, neutral and factual. Emotive language will be seen as sensationalist or gossipy. Add evidence where you can. Don't expect there to be any real effect from it, in fact it might drive them a little closer together. No real harm from that seeing as the woman's already besotted with him. But there is a very small chance it'll open some eyes so might as well if you can do it safely.

itsmylife7 · 25/04/2023 15:17

yes tell her sister

msisfine · 25/04/2023 15:19

Oh my god yes, tell her.

PuffinPuffinPenguin · 25/04/2023 15:19

Are any children involved? If so I'd be informing social services never mind anyone else.

Doggymummar · 25/04/2023 15:20

Can you do the Claire's law yourself, print it and post through the sisters letter box? You have to do something

Peachy2005 · 25/04/2023 15:20

Definitely tell her sister!!

Original poster
DollyTrolly · 25/04/2023 15:21

whatausername · 25/04/2023 15:14

As long as you anonymise it there is little to be lost. Be calm, neutral and factual. Emotive language will be seen as sensationalist or gossipy. Add evidence where you can. Don't expect there to be any real effect from it, in fact it might drive them a little closer together. No real harm from that seeing as the woman's already besotted with him. But there is a very small chance it'll open some eyes so might as well if you can do it safely.

Really good advice. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
DollyTrolly · 25/04/2023 15:21

PuffinPuffinPenguin · 25/04/2023 15:19

Are any children involved? If so I'd be informing social services never mind anyone else.

No children on her part thankfully. He has children that he's not allowed to see unsupervised.

OP posts:
AgrathaChristie · 25/04/2023 15:22

Can you find links to old press reports to put in the email ? State that he’s changed his name from X to Y and both names should be given to the police if she chooses to speak to them. I would definitely email the sister.

Original poster
DollyTrolly · 25/04/2023 15:24

Doggymummar · 25/04/2023 15:20

Can you do the Claire's law yourself, print it and post through the sisters letter box? You have to do something

I looked into it but the police wouldn't given me any information about him as it's not me that's at risk. They'd go to my friend but he's already convinced her that the police have it in for him so she'd ignore it.
we all told her to do one when she first started seeing him but she 'didn't see the point'

OP posts:
Original poster
DollyTrolly · 25/04/2023 15:25

AgrathaChristie · 25/04/2023 15:22

Can you find links to old press reports to put in the email ? State that he’s changed his name from X to Y and both names should be given to the police if she chooses to speak to them. I would definitely email the sister.

I was going to include the press reports as they show pictures and they are horrific!

OP posts:
HurryShadow · 25/04/2023 15:42

Do you know where the sister lives? I'd be more tempted to print it all and put it in the post if you do. You'd never know whether the email went through to junk,etc.

I would definitely send something though OP. If you've previously been vocal with her about him, they'll likely still suspect you, so definitely anonymise anything you send. If you send it in the post, post it from another town over, or get someone you know that lives far away to post it for you.

Original poster
DollyTrolly · 25/04/2023 15:49

HurryShadow · 25/04/2023 15:42

Do you know where the sister lives? I'd be more tempted to print it all and put it in the post if you do. You'd never know whether the email went through to junk,etc.

I would definitely send something though OP. If you've previously been vocal with her about him, they'll likely still suspect you, so definitely anonymise anything you send. If you send it in the post, post it from another town over, or get someone you know that lives far away to post it for you.

Good point. I did wonder about posting something but I'm not 100% sure of her address but i do worry about an anonymous email going to junk.

I'm not the only one who has expressed concern so could deny it if it came to it as there are a few people who know about him.

OP posts:
FearTheWankingDead · 25/04/2023 15:51

PuffinPuffinPenguin · 25/04/2023 15:19

Are any children involved? If so I'd be informing social services never mind anyone else.

Yes.
I would do to protect the children. I have seen enough murders of babies and children in the news being killed by their ‘parents’

Original poster
DollyTrolly · 25/04/2023 16:11

Thankfully she doesn't have children. Her sister does though and they spend a lot of time together.

OP posts:
JosieOhNo · 25/04/2023 16:41

If you put it in the (actual) post, is there a danger that he may see it there? If it's lying around in the house, or if she hides it somewhere and it's found, he may think she's been looking into him. That could either turn into another plausible denial, or it could turn angry.

whatausername · 25/04/2023 16:47

JosieOhNo · 25/04/2023 16:41

If you put it in the (actual) post, is there a danger that he may see it there? If it's lying around in the house, or if she hides it somewhere and it's found, he may think she's been looking into him. That could either turn into another plausible denial, or it could turn angry.

I think OP is sending it to the sister. Sister will hopefully have the sense to hide it.

JosieOhNo · 25/04/2023 16:50

@whatausername good point!

Emdubz · 25/04/2023 16:54

How long since he was in prison? If he’s still on licence and reporting to probation I would be very surprised if his license conditions don’t include disclosing any new relationships to his probation officer who would especially need to know if your friend has her own children or regularly looks after any.

Original poster
DollyTrolly · 25/04/2023 16:59

He was released in 2018 so not sure what his license conditions are now, if any are still in place.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 25/04/2023 17:02

Do a letter to the sister emails with attachments can get stuck in the spam filter

When I had to do similar to this it took a couple of us I typed up the letter and gathered the evidence someone else did the envelope (outside the social circle so the handwriting wouldn't be recognised) then we sent it to ANOTHER friend totally out of area and they posted it to her workplace

She got the letter ignored it but we tried to warn her and at least she was on notice unlike his other victims

Holycow23x · 25/04/2023 17:04

Absolutely tell her. This could save her life!