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Original poster

Struggling to find my own home and feel stuck

12 replies

blonderoastvanillaicedlatte · 23/04/2023 19:05

Unsure if this would be the right thread really.

For a bit of background, myself, DP and DS live with my parents.

We moved before lockdown and then I went back to university so moving out to buy our own property isn't possible at this moment.

For around 3 years we've been so unhappy living here due to the constant criticism we get from my mum. I'm not the strongest mental health wise and she always finds a way to upset me and gets a kick out of doing so, I've tried so hard to not let this affect me but find myself in tears most of the time. The added pressure of my university course doesn't help and I find myself every day trawling the internet for a house or flat so we can move.

Pre covid this was easier but now there's so many places that are very few and far between.

Whilst trying to find somewhere, is there any advice you can give that might help even just how to deal with the constant snipes, sulks and being treated as if I'm a child. If I don't get back home straight after school run she will be ringing and texting asking where I am. I'm early thirties by the way.

Thank you for any advice!

OP posts:
ssd · 23/04/2023 19:18

Can't you tell her how this is making you feel

Original poster
blonderoastvanillaicedlatte · 23/04/2023 19:39

ssd · 23/04/2023 19:18

Can't you tell her how this is making you feel

She knows it bothers me, we've had countless conversations and arguments about it but she's very good at gaslighting people so it seems she's not the problem.

OP posts:
Greensleevevssnotnose · 23/04/2023 19:42

Move out, she's probably pissed off to be still supporting you in your 30's

babyproblems · 23/04/2023 19:43

Sorry she’s making you feel that way. I think you’re justified in feeling how you do - is there another parent present who can talk to her about this unacceptable behaviour? What other support do you have. For moving - if you live in an area where there’s not much available could you look on air bnb and if anything nearby you could message and ask if they’d consider a longer term let. My brother found his flat this way. Good luck to you, sounds a lot to deal with. Also if you spoke to your Uni maybe they would be able to find you somewhere in halls or in uni accommodation? I would think they’ll try if you explain what’s happening. Xx

Original poster
blonderoastvanillaicedlatte · 23/04/2023 20:13

babyproblems · 23/04/2023 19:43

Sorry she’s making you feel that way. I think you’re justified in feeling how you do - is there another parent present who can talk to her about this unacceptable behaviour? What other support do you have. For moving - if you live in an area where there’s not much available could you look on air bnb and if anything nearby you could message and ask if they’d consider a longer term let. My brother found his flat this way. Good luck to you, sounds a lot to deal with. Also if you spoke to your Uni maybe they would be able to find you somewhere in halls or in uni accommodation? I would think they’ll try if you explain what’s happening. Xx

Thank you so much! Unfortunately I can't get help through university for accommodation but I can through courses to manage the mental side of things including my course. I'm a student nurse so it's a pretty "heavy" industry and not one for the faint hearted.

Due to having my little boy too it's not feasible but I will look into air bnb and I'll get in touch with local estate agents just in case they know of any private landlords.

I know others might think we must seek money, childcare, everything done for us but we literally pay for everything for us, never ask for childcare and do everything for ourselves. It's just at breaking point that I dread coming home to have to deal with it

OP posts:
usererror99 · 23/04/2023 20:28

She's doing you a huge favour though isn't she? Taking all 3 of you in?? In the kindest possible way she's probably grown very tired and resentful of the arrangement - she is accommodating not only you but your partner and your child and you are in your 30s?? Why do grown adults with responsibilities like children to support choose to go back to study when they are going to have to rely on someone else to house them - what does your partner do? Wasn't this a decision you made together when you decided to quit paid employment to study that he could then afford to cover the bills and still live independently? She probably thought this would be a short term thing and yet here you still are 3 years later

Is there any advice you can give that might help even just how to deal with the constant snipes, sulks and being treated as if I'm a child

Some tough love here - if you don't like the arrangement then move out. Remember that it is her who is doing you the favour not the other way around. You might be paying your way but you aren't paying market rates otherwise you could afford your own place?

IDontWantToBeAPie · 23/04/2023 21:08

Does your DP not work? I don't understand why you decided to move back home in your 30s tbh.

Can't you just tell her to stop being a critical bitch and leave you be?

Original poster
blonderoastvanillaicedlatte · 23/04/2023 21:15

IDontWantToBeAPie · 23/04/2023 21:08

Does your DP not work? I don't understand why you decided to move back home in your 30s tbh.

Can't you just tell her to stop being a critical bitch and leave you be?

Yeah he works, originally it was to save for a house deposit. Then lockdown came along and I decided to go back to uni. I wasn't in work at this point I left before moving back as nursery fees proved astronomical.

OP posts:
Mumoftwoinprimary · 23/04/2023 21:18

I think you need to rethink your life choices here. You have been miserable for 3 years. 3 years! It isn’t getting better and it is unlikely to get better in the future. And your son has to live in this atmosphere.

When do you finish your degree? If it is June then I guess hang on until you finish. Otherwise I think that you need to look at stopping it for a year or two and getting a job so you can find somewhere to live.

FrownedUpon · 23/04/2023 21:22

It’s probably really difficult for her having 3 of you under her feet. 3 years is a long time. Can you not find any rentals at all? I’d be desperate to get out and stand on my own two feet.

ohjeesus · 23/04/2023 21:32

Me and my mum are close we love each other dearly (im 40 with 3 kids) and shes always said she would prefer to die than us moving in with her! Its her time now…and i agree! You are in your 30’s come on now

Pixiedust1234 · 23/04/2023 21:36

If you can't afford to move out on just DPs wages then you need to get a job. Otherwise suck it up and appreciate what your mother is doing for all three of you. Was your mother involved in your decision to study seeing as how it affects her too?

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