Why am I not good enough?

[Legoladyp]

I just had a counselling session and got a bit upset moved onto my relationship with my mum and I just started saying why aren’t I good enough.

Ive never really had these thoughts before but maybe it was in the heat of the moment or an suppressed feeling.

I have a strained relationship with my mum, she doesnt ever say she’s proud of me, or show emotional support. I have been left feeling like I want more from her but always disappointed that it’s not what I want or need.

After a miscarriage she told me everything happens for a reason and didn’t even hug me when I was crying. I found it really upsetting.

Since having kids I’ve realised I’m so different from her and I use to put her on a pedestal.

I remember her agreeing to sharing a pudding when I was a teenager in a restaurant. I started eating and finished nothing said and she didn’t pick up her spoon, for her to then say guess we aren’t sharing that then.

Im always made out to be the bad guy and have sinced worked thought with the councillor that I have good girl syndrome. I’m also a middle child who was a bit forgotten.

Im finding mum a trigger mentally but not sure where to go from here. I did confront her a few years ago about her behaviour but it was turned around on me, I was the bad person or as she likes to tell her sister (my aunty) I’m having mental health issues and it’s nothing to do with her behaviour.

You can't be good enough for toxic people. It ruins their games 💐im glad you recognise you're nothing like her

This is where I get really confused; I don’t think she’s a horrible person or I had a horrible childhood. I wasn’t physically abused and she tried her best, I don’t think it’s intentional.

I do think she could have done better from an emotional POV, she always minimises any issues so I struggle to regulate my emotions when I’m sad. Just bury it deep down as other people have it worse.

My Dad (and Mum tbf) are very similar. They try and my Dad did work hard to provide a home for us but emotionally unavailable and has all sorts of hidden rules I kept flouting when I was younger. He slammed the phone down on me when I answered it once when I was early teens - I just said 'hello' & not the full number etc. When he got home he shouted at me as he thought 'there was an intruder in the house'. Both quite judgemental of friends etc

I did try and broach the subject and got it thrown back at me. Won't go into further details as outing but he did not do something which I still struggle to forgive & forget.

I now live quite far from them so it is just polite small talk now when we meet once a year. Holidays, work etc. We can be pleasant to each other for a few days. I just don't expect much from them now. I have worked out my Dad has issues with women who are strong willed or have an opinion different from his and won't back down. I actually think he is on the autistic radar somewhere based on his others behaviour. My mum is just unable to communicate without worrying what someone will say or think.

All I can say OP is it more about her than you and just manage your expectations on what you get from her.

Sorry you’re feeling this way. Are you able to identify anything in her life/ upbringing that would shed light on why she might treat you like this? It probably won’t change anything but it might help to understand why she is the way she is and help to alleviate how you’re feeling. Have you spoken to your siblings about it if you’re able to? There’s often someone worse off but you’re entitled to feel the way you’re feeling :)

@H2023 I think her mum was very similar which is the only thing I can think.

My oldest sibling is pretty much none contact but is always labelled the black sheep by the whole family. Youngest sibling mentioned she wasn’t the mum you see on the telly. No shopping trips that’s are fun, no walks or trips to the park.

It's hard but also helpful to realize that your mum isn't capable (for whatever reason) of giving you what you want. She won't ever be the loving, warm mum you would really like.
When you accept this, and focus instead on what she IS able to give you, you will feel better.

@Ruthietuthie i have tried and it’s odd. I feel like there’s two versions of me. The adult who has accepted it and most of the time I’m fine.

Then I almost picture the small 5 year old me crying on the sofa being really upset.

Does that make sense?

It’s very confusing initially isn’t it, when you feel on the surface that you had a reasonable childhood. Then counselling wakes you up to the emotional dimension of life and all of a sudden you realise that there’s this huge wealth of emotional nourishment that you’ve missed out on that’s pretty essential to life.

There’s nothing you have to do or decide with your mum right now. Maybe you just need space to work through it and feel through it all with your counsellor for now. Let yourself lean on them and they will help you find your way through.

Hello, my sister is in some ways like you’ve described your mum. It’s really difficult (I know) to deal with these people. You are good enough, and it is all about her and not a reflection on you. It’s so easy to dwell on why these people want to treat you that way but ultimately you don’t understand why because, unlike her, you’re not disordered of thinking. Rational people don’t hurt others and therefore can’t relate to reasons as to why an irrational person would want to do this. You’re always welcome to PM me.

It completely makes sense. Of course there is still that hurt little girl inside. Going very low contact, so YOU can put all your effort into caring for that hurt little girl might help.

@Heroicallyfound yes! I feel like we have unlocked something but I’m equally happy to get to a good place but frightened with where it might go. Guess that’s the whole point of therpy and letting go.

@yogaoga you might be right I’m thinking about my mum like she has my way of thinking. Which isn’t true, her brain seems different to mine. If you ever want support or to PM feel free. Maybe we can start a support group 🤣

@Ruthietuthie thank you, I will look up ways to heal your inner child. It’s that piece that throws me and I get upset I can’t save my inner child or think about my own kids being that upset.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436?ref=d6k_applink_bb_dls&dplnkId=f5770a9f-b066-4fa1-ad7b-620b613bd538

Mine is very similar. She’s a very kind woman. In the sense she would do anything practical to help me. She came and cleaned my house when the baby was born. She stayed and helped and cooked and looked after me.
But she’s never said she loves me, never said she’s proud of me. Doesn’t hug me or anything. No affection.
Whenever I was sad growing up, when I split up with my boyfriend etc she was very much don’t be upset. Pull yourself together. Don’t fall apart over this.
I don’t understand it. I don’t think she’s a bad person. Or toxic or anything like that. She’s just very emotionless. Sweeps things under the carpet. I’m nothing like her and seeing her failings as a parent makes me do better

Yes. You have a wounded inner child. It makes perfect sense.

@Legoladyp
"After a miscarriage she told me everything happens for a reason and didn’t even hug me when I was crying. I found it really upsetting."

This suggests that she is incapable of empathy, intimacy and affection.

Some mothers who were never shown intimacy or affection as children find it triggering when their own child cries out for their mother and will do anything to avoid having to pick their child up and comfort it.
The neglected baby feels abandoned and suffers trauma.
It may not be intentional but it can be devastating for the wounded child.

As someone has suggested you need to do some inner child work.
Try reading the John Bradshaw books.

What type of therapy are you doing as I don't think CBT would be suitable for inner child work .

@Legoladyp search for the stately homes thread, you’ll find a support group there