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Original poster

How much eye contact is normal?

15 replies

TwentysixV · 22/04/2023 21:53

How much do you look in people’s eyes when you talk to them and what do you think a normal level of eye contact is?
I’ve never really thought about it before but I don’t think I make eye contact with friends/most people I chat to much at all. I met up with a friend today (went for a walk, lunch and we were in the car for a while) and I realised I couldn’t remember what colour her eyes are so must have not been looking at them much! I then made an effort to make more eye contact but it felt a bit weird to have to remind myself to do it.
i can remember making an effort to make eye contact in job interviews and things but otherwise I never think about it but don’t think I look in peoples eyes much! No one’s ever commented on it though. So how often do you think you look in people’s eyes (friends, partner, random people) and would you notice if someone didn’t make eye contact much?

OP posts:

adistraction · 22/04/2023 22:17

I can't answer as I have the same issue but I'm following with interest.
I used to get in trouble with teachers at school for not giving eye contact but I wasn't trying to be rude, it just made me feel so awfully uncomfortable and it still does.

I force myself to make eye contact now when I'm talking to people but I find I'm barely taking in a word they're saying as I'm trying to figure out how long I should hold the gaze for before looking away etc.

Random789 · 22/04/2023 22:29

I find this incredibly hard. I literally don't have any idea what to do. You'd think that even if it didn't come naurally it would be posible to observe others' habits and then fake it, but no.
Once i knew a woman who always seemed to be looking at a spot halfway between my throat and my cleavage whenever she was talking to me. I thought about how incredibly offputting it was, and then I wondered 'My god,perhaps tha is what my eyeline looks like to others'. I just have no idea if this is the caseor not.

SuziLikeSuziQ · 22/04/2023 22:32

I have a hearing loss which means I need to look at faces (lips, mostly) and hands when someone is speaking. Yet I'm also autistic and find when I'm talking myself I often close my eyes or look away from who I'm speaking to.

I have to force myself to look directly at someone, for example in a shop when I say no thank you to a receipt or whatever. I feel it's a social norm to look at someone when responding but I'm very bad for it.

Spiderboy · 22/04/2023 22:33

I can make eye contact when someone is talking but I have to remind myself to not stare into their soul so I occasionally look away but I don’t know where else I should be looking….then I glance back and think about how much eye contact is normal 😂 other people manage to make it look so natural. I cant really do eye contact when I am the one speaking.

HighInfidelity · 22/04/2023 23:21

I find it quite easy to look at people when I’m listening to them but I really struggle to make eye contact when I’m the one speaking. I try to force myself to in certain situations, like interviews, but I worry that I’m coming across too intense and making too much eye contact. With friends and family I just don’t make eye contact when I’m speaking to them and nobody has ever commented on it.

Disneyblueeyes · 22/04/2023 23:52

adistraction · 22/04/2023 22:17

I am exactly the same. I focus more on this than the actual conversation.

I'm much better at eye contact than I used to be though. I feel a bit more comfortable as a result and take more in.

But yea sometimes I don't know how long to hold it for, where to look, etc.

MyMachineAndMe · 23/04/2023 00:00

I think I dart to and then away from people's eyes as I'm talking to them. I tend to look down to their chin and then force myself to look at their eyes again. I can hold a conversation with someone and then not be able to tell you what colour their eyes are!

GarlicGrace · 23/04/2023 00:13

I don't think eye contact during communication is any more likely to leave you knowing their eye colour! You aren't looking at their eyes as such, though I realise I'm now having trouble explaining what it is we're doing

I generally look shop assistants, bus drivers, etc, in the eye when I say thanks. I do when I'm asking someone a question. I tend to hold eye contact while listening to somebody, but not in a laser-like beam; the longer we talk, the more often both gazes will wander.

I lived for a while in another country where people tend to look at you while talking. Here, it's more usual for the listener to be holding the gaze. Took me a few weeks to figure out why every conversation felt freakishly intense! I found it surprisingly difficult to switch from looking while listening, to the other way. It was worth the effort, though: it turns out life gets complicated when every commonplace conversation looks like a seduction scene from a Hallmark movie.

scoobycute · 23/04/2023 00:18

I definitely think it's normal to on the odd occasion overthink eye contact either from yourself or from a person talking. Sometimes I analyse if I'm giving too much/too little! But it would only rarely pop into my head and at random times.

I definitely notice certain people (one being my brother in law) struggling to make eye contact or darting in an usual manner, and it's consistent. I feel bad for him because I am very aware that he's overthinking it and/or that's he's uncomfortable with me on some level.

DeflatedAgain · 23/04/2023 00:36

I have never been able to look at people in the eyes without freaking out that I'm freaking them out!

It feels unnatural to me most of the time. People must think I'm so sketchy 🤣

parietal · 23/04/2023 13:10

Test post

parietal · 23/04/2023 13:11

I do academic research on exactly this topic. The answer is - it varies MASSIVELY. Some people make eye contact 80% of the time in conversation. Others only 20%. Both are normal.

It also varies by context (are you chatting about the weather or having a deep conversation) and body posture ( less eye contact if you are standing too close).

Also more eye contact when listening and ready to jump into the conversation, less when speaking.

So - it is complicated and don't worry about it. Whatever works for you is good.

CindersAgain · 23/04/2023 13:13

I have to remember to look away occasionally rather than constant staring.

I can’t remember speaking to anyone recently who doesn’t make good eye contact.

GarlicGrace · 23/04/2023 16:39

What an interesting topic, @parietal. Yes, I think it's mostly signalling - unspoken words (reactions, interest, boredom, etc) and also cues to talk, change the subject, let someone else talk and so on.

Makes sense that we avoid it when we're in crowded personal space. Getting close and staring is a signal to fight!

toddlermom1 · 23/04/2023 21:52

Im relieved to see this post as ive struggled with this discomfort for a long time. I have to force myself to maintain eye contact whilst talking as i prefer not to

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