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Original poster

School lied and made things worse

15 replies

Reflecting23 · 22/04/2023 19:21

Sorry its long i hope you are able to read it. Apologies for typos/spelling grammar.

I'm just reflecting really but would be good to hear other people's experiences.

My son has had some problems. It was very hard to get him to school. I tried my best but it was Impossible. He has mental health issues, at the time I had safe guarding officer from the school on to me and him about his attendance. I could not get him to go he's much bigger than me and at the time he was aggressive and violent towards me. And I was shit scared of him. We had asked for a part time time table. And it was refused by the safe guarding officer. Until there was a meeting with the Local authority attendance officer . Where a part time time table was set up . But only for 2 weeks which was hopeless so way was that short tome going to help him turn a corner for the better anyway next day my so went to school but he turned up to early abd the safe guarding officer had a go at him. She then rang me having a go at me as well. So he did not go again for a bit. He then went into school again. He went missing and no one could find him he was eventually found self harming. The safe guarding officer called me shouting down the phone at Me like I had done somthing wrong . They said I had ti go and get him. So I made my way to the school. But ds had done a runner time I got there.

I constantly tried to get help for my son. counselling in school but that would not work as ds was not properly attending school. I told the safe guarding officer we were seeking help for him outside of school and she told me because my son was not attending school any help we try would be refused she even told me I would loose child benefit if he was not in school.

We did have some help from early help under social services. He was quite helpful in some ways. The safe guarding officer from the school had told us that she knew him. And she basically said he won't help he knows wgay My son is up to and thry have had a long chat . I can't remember the wording but I know it was not nice. I rand the guy from early help . He said that he does not know her. And told me she had no right to talk to how she did and definitely not to bring his name into it . He said he wring her an email but had to show his manager first as he was writing in anger .

Anyway the support worker from early help . Suggested I deregistered him. I was a bit scared to and did not get it at the time. But I did it in the end as I could not cope with the stress anymore. Its the best thing I have done. I felt a massive weight had lifted.

During the times I speak about above I was begging for help for my son via CAMHS and no one was listing it was very hard getting them to understand this was beyond normal teenage stuff.

In the end my son tried to end his life. This is when they finally listened. He's now getting help . I know his therapist want to talk to the school but from our experience I can't see them being helpful.

Looking back on it I don't understand why the safe guarding officer was like this towards us. I wish i had complained but I had to much going on.

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 22/04/2023 19:42

I am sorry that you and your son have had such a hard time. You sound like a great mum fighting for your son. You’ve gone to every one for help and been shut down for so long. The school should have been doing more, the safe guarding lead sounds aggressive, not the right tone for most children.

I would focus on your son right now, keep supporting him.
Have you got anyone looking after you? Do you have anyone to lean on for support?
Once you and your son are in a better place then I would look at complaining about the safe guarding lead. Yes she is doing her job but in my school the lead is welcoming and friendly, she is warm, making people want to talk to her.

Skybluepinky · 22/04/2023 20:09

Don’t focus on the past, keep helping to get yr son mentally well.

AgrathaChristie · 22/04/2023 20:19

Everything @Hiddenvoice has said. Please make sure you have support for you. I hope the current help your son has helps him. 💐

Original poster
Reflecting23 · 22/04/2023 20:21

Skybluepinky · 22/04/2023 20:09

Don’t focus on the past, keep helping to get yr son mentally well.

Yeah i know I was just reflecting and thinking wtf.

OP posts:
Original poster
Reflecting23 · 22/04/2023 20:33

Hiddenvoice · 22/04/2023 19:42

I am sorry that you and your son have had such a hard time. You sound like a great mum fighting for your son. You’ve gone to every one for help and been shut down for so long. The school should have been doing more, the safe guarding lead sounds aggressive, not the right tone for most children.

I would focus on your son right now, keep supporting him.
Have you got anyone looking after you? Do you have anyone to lean on for support?
Once you and your son are in a better place then I would look at complaining about the safe guarding lead. Yes she is doing her job but in my school the lead is welcoming and friendly, she is warm, making people want to talk to her.

It will be to late to complain now it's been over a year since he left. I think because my son still has difficulties I was just thinking back and reflecting.

Actually what triggered my thinking was I read a post a few days back where people had asked about the school and someone had said the pastoral care was bad and several parents had taken their children out.

I did fight for him so much . He does not even realise. Sadly no one would listen and I can see why there are so many suicides.

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 22/04/2023 20:51

Doesn’t matter that he has left, you can still contact the local authority, the education board (whoever is in charge in your area) and provide ‘feedback’ on your experience in that school and with that safe guarding lead. You are a mum on the ball, you are there with your eyes wide open, you are doing everything for him but there will be other children who are not lucky and won’t have parents so aware and it’s exactly as you say, it can turn to the worst case scenario then.

They should have been doing everything they could have to welcome him back into school, in a safe manner. The two week part time timetable that they brushed off is wrong. Yes they were concerned for his well-being and wanted him in school but they jumped too quickly and he should have had a phased return, in a more relaxed and secure setting. He shouldn’t have felt the need to run or hurt himself.

Have you considered speaking to a doctor or a therapist? You have been through so much, it might benefit you to have someone to discuss all this with and help your process whag you both have been through.

Original poster
Reflecting23 · 22/04/2023 21:21

Hiddenvoice · 22/04/2023 20:51

Doesn’t matter that he has left, you can still contact the local authority, the education board (whoever is in charge in your area) and provide ‘feedback’ on your experience in that school and with that safe guarding lead. You are a mum on the ball, you are there with your eyes wide open, you are doing everything for him but there will be other children who are not lucky and won’t have parents so aware and it’s exactly as you say, it can turn to the worst case scenario then.

They should have been doing everything they could have to welcome him back into school, in a safe manner. The two week part time timetable that they brushed off is wrong. Yes they were concerned for his well-being and wanted him in school but they jumped too quickly and he should have had a phased return, in a more relaxed and secure setting. He shouldn’t have felt the need to run or hurt himself.

Have you considered speaking to a doctor or a therapist? You have been through so much, it might benefit you to have someone to discuss all this with and help your process whag you both have been through.

I don't really have any evidence to be able to complain alot of it was verbal. I'm not sure I could back it up if I don't have evidence. It just seems so odd that she was like that I don't understand what she got from it .

Thank you im ok it's hard to get therapy. I'm not able to do it privately. The thing that's important is ds is now getting help . He's got away to go yet. He's been in therapy for 5 months. I'm scared of it ending to be honest I know they want to talk to the school I can't see thar being helpful

OP posts:
StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 22/04/2023 21:34

Sometimes there is a clash of personalities or communication styles, and you just can't get through to each other.

Sometimes the professionals are overworked and constrained by factors outside their control.

Sometimes the professionals aren't very professional at all.

From what you've written it could be any of the above or a combination. I would honestly try not to give it any headspace. I would urge to you correspond by email so there's a trail in future, and if possible have someone with you in meetings to check you understand what's been agreed. Please don't take this a criticism - it's just nigh impossible to keep a cool head when your child is suffering and professionals are gatekeeping services.

Original poster
Reflecting23 · 22/04/2023 21:54

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 22/04/2023 21:34

Sometimes there is a clash of personalities or communication styles, and you just can't get through to each other.

Sometimes the professionals are overworked and constrained by factors outside their control.

Sometimes the professionals aren't very professional at all.

From what you've written it could be any of the above or a combination. I would honestly try not to give it any headspace. I would urge to you correspond by email so there's a trail in future, and if possible have someone with you in meetings to check you understand what's been agreed. Please don't take this a criticism - it's just nigh impossible to keep a cool head when your child is suffering and professionals are gatekeeping services.

It definitely was not Amy of that. She used to shout down the phone =wrong . She lied about My son being able to seek help =wrong She lied by saying my child benefit would stop =wrong . She tried to lie about another professional =wrong . She lied about being able to change school. Oh she also kept telling me I would go to prison. There is no excuse for that behavior no matter what

If she was over worked it sure would have taken alot of energy to do what she did.

There's no more meetings or anything like that I deregistered my son from the school.

OP posts:
butterfly990 · 22/04/2023 23:10

There is a very supportive and informed Facebook group called "not fine in school". I would urge anyone experiencing school refusal to join the group. https://www.facebook.com/groups/NFISFamilySupport/?ref=share

Facebook

https://www.facebook.com/groups/NFISFamilySupport?ref=share

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 23/04/2023 07:43

I'm really not trying to piss you off - is this person actually the safeguarding lead, or an attendance officer? It sounds as if they simply haven't understood the situation and think it was a case of truanting/ineffective parenting. Because in some cases you can go to prison if your dc doesn't attend school, CB stops at 16 if they're not in education or training. Cahms very often don't do anything before a suicide attempt because they are so stretched.

Original poster
Reflecting23 · 23/04/2023 08:54

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 23/04/2023 07:43

I'm really not trying to piss you off - is this person actually the safeguarding lead, or an attendance officer? It sounds as if they simply haven't understood the situation and think it was a case of truanting/ineffective parenting. Because in some cases you can go to prison if your dc doesn't attend school, CB stops at 16 if they're not in education or training. Cahms very often don't do anything before a suicide attempt because they are so stretched.

I know your not trying to piss me of. I know you could go to prison but I think that's more for parents who don't give a shit .and are not even trying etc. Ds early help told me that thre is loafs of evidence if me trying my best to get him in along with all the help I wa trying to get him. So it would not have happend.

Yes I know about child benefit .but why come out with crsp like your child benefit will stop when it won't.

And I wounder how many kids have actually killed themselves because camhs were waiting for a suicide attempt before they decided to help. That's awful.

Safe guarding or attence lead? Maybe she's both she did attended meetings with the attence officer from the LA.

OP posts:
StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 23/04/2023 09:06

Whatever the reason I'm sorry that it made a bad situation worse. Glad things are moving forward 💐

Original poster
Reflecting23 · 23/04/2023 13:04

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 23/04/2023 09:06

Whatever the reason I'm sorry that it made a bad situation worse. Glad things are moving forward 💐

Thank you . We are in a better situation than when he was in school so that's passed to be honest . It was more of a reflection. I just hope other kids are not going through simlar

OP posts:
Ellabellastella · 28/09/2024 19:26

We had similar issues at an ormiston school. I ended up sending my asd daughter to stay with her grandparents. Then when I complained to the school the safeguarding lead started lying about me in a group email. She said that i had not been to any meetings in 8 months. I had!! I had been to 4 at the school and children in need teams meetings every 6 weeks for a year with 3 schools and socialworkers.

when i complained to the head he took 4 months to look into it and said he thought the information was appropriate and that was the end to the matter as i was no longer a parent at the school!

its disgusting that school staff can behave like this!

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