Clique at work

[AttractiveAlpaca]

NC for this, as I've posted quite a bit in my old name.

I'm a teacher in a relatively small school, with approximately 55 teachers / TAs / office staff. I've worked there for 15 years, and it's always been a cliquey place - social events arranged in secret etc. Membership of the clique is both male and female, and all ages. It isn't long-timers; new staff get invited to join by some mysterious process as the other members decide they are suitable. If non-clique people go to the (few) social events that are properly advertised to all staff, we are subtly made to feel unwelcome & generally don't bother going again.

There have recently been some milestone birthdays amongst clique members, and the clique has made a huge fuss about these - banners, balloons, tiaras, photos of social events with lots of "Oh it was so funny" type stories. Naturally, this has just emphasised the division between the staff. A very long-serving teacher (who is actually a lovely person & would be devastated to know people felt this way) is leaving in the summer, and the clique organised a leaving do for them on their invitation-only WhatsApp group. This was discovered, and protests made that everyone should be invited. There's now a What'sApp group called XX's Leaving Do, which non-clique members have been invited to join. However, it's blindingly obvious that it isn't the main WhatsApp group, and has been created to fob us off. Should we (a) say nothing and quietly leave, or (b) say "Are you sure you've added us to the right social group? There don't seem to be many here 🤔"

Thank you if you've managed to get to the end of this! I realise that it's ridiculous to be giving it so much head space, but it is bugging me. I really don't see what's so bloody difficult about putting a notice up saying (for example) Everyone welcome at the pub after work on Friday.

How much arranging of events do you do?
Why don’t you suggest something and put up a poster?

Are SLT aware? This is a cultural issue that needs changing from above.

@Socialdistancechampion quite a few of the SLT are in the clique! Not the HT, though. For example, the DH, with whom I work daily, ignored me completely at the Christmas do and only said "Hello" because it was unavoidable as we passed in a doorway.

@Fairyliz if I did that, very few people would attend. I'm not one of the "in" crowd. They'd probably be off having a secret get-together of their own!

Is it worth sourcing an external trainer to come in and deliver an all school session on bullying and exclusion? Many of these groups highlight issues like this as modern ways to bully... Or would the passive aggressive unsubtle hint go over their heads?

Failing that talk to the head

I sympathise because I have been through this nonsense, but these wagons gatekeepers a feeling whatsapp group aren't good enough to be your friend.

Can you give up on the WhatsApp group, give up on trying to be part of any clique and just bother with one to one relationships with people who aren't afraid that an association with you will reflect badly on them.
Don't be afraid of upsetting cleekee wagons, delete them all off face hook, ignore, twitter.

Only keep the one or two that you like.

I went through such pain at work about five years ago when one woman decided I had to be excluded from the group. She was a vacuum I later realised. Either obsequiously fawning over people she liked or giving people she felt threatened by the cold shoulder.

Ps, sometimes, it's not so much that you're "not cool enough" it's that other people like you or that you can connect with people. The insecure but socially dominant types don't like that.

I would go to the leaving do of the woman you like. The gatekeepers are prats. The retiring woman hasn't got the memo that half her colleagues aren't worthy of an invite.

@Socialdistancechampion in my last job, the woman who set out to exclude me was a big fundraiser for anti bullying but for children. You couldn't make it up.

It's always the way!

Set up a counter clique. Everyone who isn't in the cool kids club make your own group, go to the pub with them, celebrate their big birthdays etc.

@Socialdistancechampion I like the idea of INSET training on this! The school is red hot on stamping out bullying amongst the kids, but never mentions peer group exclusion amongst staff.

@Fuerza logically speaking, I know that you are right. These people are insecure, and want to feel better / more powerful by excluding others. It's just difficult to escape the feeling of not being quite good enough, however silly that is.

is It that they are a “clique”or are they just friends who like to see each other socially outside of work?

I can imagine it must feel horrible. Personally I’d raise it as an issue with SLT and share my feeling re whole staff events such as the leaving do you mentioned.

Id probably just focus more on out of work friendships and less on work soxial events. However I’ve not been one for socially with work colleagues so maybe i just don’t understand your perspective.

I do agree that shining a light on it is the way to go.
I do that now but I was too afraid to in the past.
Now I just shine that bulb on it.

"I feel like you're so warm to everybody else and so cold to me. Is that your intention?""

9 times out of ten they will say oh gosh no no no of course not. In this teqnique you have to leave it there, say swertly "im so glad" and smile if it kills you.

Have answers prepared though, in case they defend ignoring you. Eg, "it might be more professional to disguise your dislike of me".

I tried this technique with a woman in my new job having handled the queen bee all wrong at my last job all wrong. It was sort of tense for a bit but it has settled in to her being chatty and friendly to me.

@AttractiveAlpaca it sort of helps knowing they're really insecure but on the other hand, it doesn't help at all because you wonder why everybody can't be included. It's unfair.

I think women who are averagely attractive and can connect easily with other people but who aren't perceived to be high status for whatever reason are a threat to outwardly dominant but secretly insecure women.

UnderstandING this doesn't fix it though.
Giving a little bit of push back helps change things very gradually.

When I was miserable 5 or 6 years ago I read a book called aristotle's way by Edith Hall and that took me down the right path.

I have my own values and they include harmony and inclusion. I would never exclude somebody in the mistaken belief that they reflected on me. Only I reflect on me. It's amazing how many "adults" do not have one consistent authentic personality.

My school handles this relatively well by having all leaving speeches etc at set times each term, publicly announced so everyone knows and is able to attend. There are social gatherings and friendship groups within the school, but there’s a Christmas party that everyone is invited to which is subsidised and a summer BBQ. I am very friendly with lots of people at work, but only have a few actual friends there. I don’t have anyone on my social media and have only met up with people outside work a handful of times.

my first teaching job sounds similar - I accidentally pissed off the leaders of the clique and was immediately dropped and was so very lonely. But I was younger and living on site in a boarding school and didn’t know anyone else locally. Now I work in a normal school and just get on with my life out of work.

Thank you for your very thoughtful posts @Fuerza - it's helpful to feel validated. Your point about the 'one consistent authentic personality' resonates, because I think that's me. The only time recently that I can recall feeling welcomed by clique members was when I was having a bitch about a previous member of staff, and I don't usually do that. If being included means behaving nastily, then I'd prefer to be excluded.

I will look up the book you mentioned. Thanks again.

Do you work at my school? I hate this shit and more importantly I hate how much head space I give it. I am aware of at least 3 "layers" of WhatsApp groups, and the gossiping and wishy washing drives me crazy. I have been excluded from a group I was previously part of, no clue why!
I am trying so hard to separate work from "real life" but when you come in on a Monday knowing that 70% of the staff were all at so and so's birthday party and you weren't, it's hard not to feel bad.
I don't know where the line is tho..you can't stop people making friends and developing friendships out of work.

@FiftyNotNifty that's it exactly!

@Whattodo121 like you, I am superficially friendly to everyone but only have a couple of proper friends at work that I can trust to be supportive. I should focus on those, shouldn't I? I think it's downright rude to have secret end of term get- togethers, though.

@FiftyNotNifty that’s shit and so hurtful to be dropped from a WhatsApp group like that.

I had a different situation last term where due to a staffing decision and not getting a promotion I ended up being very much sidelined in my department and was feeling utterly miserable. It was thankfully a temporary situation but there were meetings and projects I was excluded from and it was shit. I went and spoke to the head as I was crying going into work in the mornings, the situation has now been resolved, I am sharing an office with a new lovely person who is hilarious and suddenly life is good once more.

@AttractiveAlpaca of course they loved you when you were bitching, because that’s what they do about everyone else!

And absolutely focus on your proper friends at work and ignore the others. Be breezy and friendly and hold your head up.

I feel conflicted about this.

Work takes up enough of our lives, that I don’t want to spend my social time with people who aren’t my cup of tea, or I downright dislike. I genuinely try to get on with most people, but there are two people on my small ish team of about 20 who I just can’t take to personally (both have discussed things like having affairs with married men, legal issues, hiding assets from ‘bitter’ ex’s etc etc) I try to avoid too much interaction but I’m civil and cooperate in regards to work issues. I absolutely can not think of spending my free time with them though, and would decline an invitation if they were attending. Other people feel similarly, and so social things happen around them in private.

Honestly, this sounds like a mountain being made out of a molehill. Why is it the assumption that everyone needs to be invited to everything, and that not to do so is an 'exclusion'? 55 is a lot of people! It's natural that some will become actual friends out of work and see one another separately, have a WhatsApp group, like any other group of actual friends, and will befriend some newcomers but not others. If someone wants to have regular social events that are for all staff, surely it's perfectly possible for them to set that up and invite everyone, but in many or most workplaces, that would probably only be once a year, a Christmas party or the like.

My (university) department has 48 members of staff, and we have a total of two annual social occasions for everyone a Christmas party and a dinner after the main exam boards in summer. Other than that, people see their own friends within the department separately, I assume there's a group of about ten of us who see one another semi-regularly outside of work because we get on well. That's not a 'clique', it's a bunch of colleagues who are also friends! I've only been in the department two years, so I'm a pretty recent addition. Other people are also at liberty to do similar, and I assume they do, with the people they get along best with.

A group of 55 is always going to split off into little sub groups

@BranchGold I don't sleep with married men, or have any other reprehensible personal habits. Members of the 'cool crowd' have been known to hook up at social events, though. Maybe they recognise I have higher moral standards than they do!

@MouthfulofMidwinter I really don't think you'd be so sanguine if you'd been deliberately deceived and added to a fake WhatsApp group as a sop. Yes, we do have a Christmas do but the clique ignores the non-clique people. For example, a friend of mine kindly gave a lift to a clique member, going some distance out of her way to do so. The cliquey woman said thank you, bought one drink for my friend, and then ignored her for the whole of the rest of the evening! All the way home, she was saying what a fantastic night it had been 🙄

The more I write about them, the more I wonder why I bother giving them so much head space.

Depends if you want to confront or not. I wouldn’t. I would just read it and discard it and message the individual privately

It's so hard...we have a much smaller staff so the cliques are just 3s or 4s. I thought I was part of a 4 then our chat went quiet and it slowly dawned on me from listening to them that they'd gone off as a 3. Work can feel very lonely. I keep trying to remind myself i have proper friends outside of work.
But I'd really like a work friend!
Also....and this is where it crosses a line for me...different cliques get different info at different times, depending on who is in them (SLT are not exempt from this!) so you can really find yourself on a back foot work wise.

My golden rules -
Keep work separate from your social and personal life.
Do not be friends with work colleagues on social media.
Avoid cliques and grownup groups of mean girls.