Advice please on what to do - terminal illness related.

[CalistoNoSolo]

A friend of a friend had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer and has weeks/months to live. I know them but not well, and I would like to send a card and maybe flowers to show I'm thinking of them and am deeply sorry to hear the news. Would flowers be appropriate at a time like this? The last thing I want is to be insensitive or upset them in any way. If not flowers is there anything else I can send?

Personally, if they have recently found out, you aren’t close friends and you haven’t been told directly- I wouldn’t send anything just yet.

agreed, Ive been swamped with flowers/toiletries/chocolates from all sorts of people since I got cancer, and it is well meant but largely intrusive and annoying. I dont want any of it, and it is a hassle to get rid of

They will probably be inundated with flowers.
I think a text to say you've heard the news, you're very sorry, and if they need any help or support you'll be there for them would suffice.

Pass on your thoughts through your friend and leave it at that.

When someone gets news like that everyone wants to send something to make themselves feel better and as if they are doing something, it tends to be a hassle for the person involved, unless they are close friends or have specifically requested something.

A text of support is probably enough, perhaps ask if you can help in any way

I agree with PPs not to. SIL has recently died of cancer, and she had all sorts of people pop up when she was just diagnosed and then towards the end. She found it slightly ghoulish (if you haven’t made an effort to be friends before, why now?), and it takes both time and emotional energy to respond.

I got loads of flowers when I was diagnosed and they were lovely but I felt at the time as if they were a bit funereal.

I agree a text saying you're there to help if they need it would be great.

Hang fire. The sentiment is good, but they need to be relating to family and close friends at the moment. They do not need the hassle of vague acquaintances sending stuff.

I am in a similar situation at the moment. Someone very well known in the village, and whom I know well but was not a close friend, became terminally ill a few weeks ago and has sadly died today. I have dropped a sympathy card in their door; but have confined my actions mainly to supporting her closest friends who are gutted - but who know that the family take precedence in the sympathy stakes and are feeling bereft. Anything I can do to support them is more valuable than intruding on the family.

I agree, a text or card, saying you are sorry, and to let you know if they want to chat anytime. I wasn't terminal, but didn't have many friends and was upset when most of them didn't stay in contact because they assumed I was 'busy' with treatment or wouldn't want to be bothered.

This might help you understand your role right now.

I wouldn't do anything. It's a friend of a friend. I'd find it intrusive. Ask your mutual friend what she thinks though.

OK, thank you everyone, the last thing I want is to add to their distress. I'll send a card (they're not really texting generation). Any thoughts on wording would be wonderful, thank you.

Someone sent my dad a card with a lovely (handwritten) message in it. That meant more to all of us than the dozens of gifts of flowers, cakes and biscuits we were so kindly given.

I think it depends on the person OP.
Some wouldn't like it but some would.
My mum had cancer and every bit of support was so greatly appreciated by her.
What do you think your friend would want?

I think a card would be kind and appreciated. I am of a texting generation but I much prefer a card with a hand-written personal message to a text.
Not sure on wording, I might write something like "I heard the news about your health recently and was sad to hear it. You are a wonderful person, I send you all my love and best wishes".

I don't understand this? It's suggesting first responders and medical professionals offer comfort in and the spouse dumps it out.
And if the idea of the circles is that there is a hierarchy of access to the person in crisis I disagree. When I've been in crisis I've sometimes preferred comfort and support from those further away, who are less directly involved.
Bizarre diagram!