Could this be why I find MIL so difficult?

[ponderpot]

I never wanted the classic tense relationship with MIL but it has gone that way. Been with DH for 15 years, 3 DC, things started to get worse when we got married (she threw multiple strops about genuinely tiny things and then refused to speak to us on the day at the reception). They fell off a cliff when we had DC. She arrived 3 days after DC1 was born, opened my gifts when I was asleep, constantly took the baby off me, snatched my expressed milk, woke her up from naps etc, it was pretty awful and DH was bloody useless - it's taken years for me to get over some of it as I lost so much respect for him. There have been years of things happening now, and I won't try and write them all down. I also know I must have done things that upset her (though not deliberately), I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I really have tried and tried and tried to just all get along and have things be nice between us all. It has worked to the extent that things are outwardly okay, but there are still ongoing battles.

So I've also done a lot of soul-searching about why this has happened and continues to happen. I don't ever have problems with people really, never argue with colleagues / friends / my family. It is this particular relationship that is incredibly tense and I've been trying to unpick why. I am so jealous of my DH and how easy his relationships are with my parents (who have had no privileged access to us / DC or anything - honestly), they just accept him and us as we are and are generally happy to see us happy.

Could it be because I feel like she is always trying to cross boundaries and challenge my 'roles'? So, I have no problem at all, in fact I really wanted things to be nice, in terms of her being my DCs grandmother - I'd love that to be a really close relationship. But nothing ever seems to be enough, she always wanted alone time with them from when they were born, and for me to leave them overnight etc even though they were breastfed etc. She complained so much to DH about feeling 'unwelcome' after visiting us so soon after birth, inviting their friends to my house and then taking DH out to the pub while I sobbed into a breast pump etc. I couldn't have made her 'welcome' unless I'd just left I think. It felt like she wanted to pretend I didn't exist once I had given birth.

Likewise I want DH to have as good a relationship as possible with his parents, but MIL always wants to make their relationship more intense than it is. She calls him multiple times a day, wants to know every detail of our lives and has something to say (often a complaint) about everything we do. The clubs our DC go to aren't right, their hair needs a cut, we should move house - etc etc. I feel like she wants to be DH's number-one influence but they aren't even close (from long before I was on the scene). She also does a very strange (to me) act around him where she plays a kind of pathetic/ helpless act and needs all sort of help from him. This makes me sound horrible but I can't describe it any other way.

TLDR - could my discomfort stem from MIL's determination to play a wife/ mother role to my DH/DC rather than a mum/grandmother?

From my POV, she has done some appalling things to me/ us over the years but I'm trying to keep the description above as objectively fair as I possibly can!

She sounds like a narc. It’s not you it’s her.

You have a dh problem

It sounds like your discomfort stems from the fact that she’s a horrible woman.

My in laws are fab now, but even mine did that weird thing of wanting the baby to themselves when he was tiny. I never understood it - could they not remember being parents? It wasn’t like I asked for free time, but they would just whip him away. Aggravating!
It came to a head for us when he was a few months old and they took him to a cafe while I did some shopping. We agreed to meet at a place and time and they just didn’t turn up. I was getting more and more bored and worried waiting and they turned up with “oh we thought you might want more time” but I was like “but I just had to stand here waiting for you”
Anyway, after that, when they would say “we’ll take him off” I just used to say “no I’m fine thanks, I don’t want to wait around again” and they got the message.
We have a good relationship now but it was like they both lost their minds for a few months when babies were small. My SIL said they used to do the same with hers too!

I can’t believe your H let her do all that to you the moment you’d given birth. That’s really appalling.

She sounds vile. It’s it a relationship I’d want to both tending to.

What is this insanity that takes some grandparents whereby the feel compelled to take a baby away from its mother? So fucking weird.

Read ‘She’ by Robert A. Johnson

Your MIL is simply an arsehole. Your DH is also a useless arsehole - no offence but it comes across that way. These 2 things combined have caused the issues.

Just ignore her. Also your husband sounds so hopelessly unsupportive.

There are a lot of transitions of roles and power involved when people get partners, marry, have kids. Most of them involve losses or fears of loss for the MIL. It does seem to send otherwise ok people a bit bananas. There’s a book by Terri Apter called ‘What do you want from me?’ That’s about exactly this and unpicking in law relationships. I found it useful both for understanding and for practical strategies. You might like it too.

How did you ever get past the first child with your husband?

I'd have absolutely zero respect for him.

And it's not you.

My mother was exactly the same. Constantly trampling all over me and trying to undermine me/ take over.
We are no contact now for various reasons.

At its heart it's a complete lack of empathy for you as a human being. She doesn't see you as having needs or wishes because the world revolves around her.

Sorry you're experiencing this op.

You're overthinking this. Just put her down as a nut job and carry on.

She sounds like she enjoys overstepping the mark, in the knowledge that your spineless, unsupportive DH will do diddly squat about it.
I know who my anger would be directed at.

I think it stems from control and jealously. She wants to be in charge and be admired / revered.

Your mil sounds like mine. She's a narcissist and I can never do anything right and she can never do anything wrong.
Sadly a lot of children of narcs are conditioned to appease them. It was the only thing my husband and I would argue about.
Now after 25 years of knowing them we've gone no contact and it's amazing.
I didn't want them around me nor my kids (they started pitting my son against his cousin), it was all a very unhealthy relationship and I'm really happy it's over.
Obviously if my husband and my kids want to rekindle their relationship with them, then it's fine by me but I don't.

Your discomfort stems from the fact that she's a right pain in the arse and you don't need to dig into that much further, save your energy.

Your DH has spent his life up to now being trained to pander to her and so it will take a big reality check and a load of work from him so you're both on the same page and you can agree and enforce some boundaries. It won't be pretty, but there's only one way out if this and it's through.

Your Dh went to the pub and left you alone with a tiny baby because his mummy made him? You need him to step up and tell her to sod right off.

I am a very hands on grandmother, but I really don’t understand the idea of grandmothers wanting their very young grandchildren to themselves. Really they must be disturbed.
When you said you thought your MIL wanted a partner type relationship with your husband I don’t think you are wrong. My mother, in her 90s,has always wanted this with my brother. She told me how good my brother was at getting her shopping. I reminded her that it was actually his wife, my SIL, that did it.
She does not have a kind word to say about my SIL.