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TW …struggling to deal with family terminal illness

3 replies

Jbj8988 · 18/04/2023 19:47

My step father has a 2-3 weeks to live following terminal cancer diagnosis …it’s been a year since the diagnosis but a lot of treatments to slow the progression etc. we’re very close as him and my mum have been together since I was a young child…however I feel like I’m not dealing with things in the right way. Like I don’t feel like I’m being very helpful to my mum (I’m offering lots but she just wants to deal with it herself) and I find it very difficult to know what to say when I see him. I feel like I struggle to even make eye contact with him and I don’t know how to talk to him in a normal way.

i suppose I feel like I should / should have been spending quality time with him during the last few months but I feel like I’ve been emotionally disconnected / avoidant. I’ve tried to spend time with him but he’s been so ill and He’s not really been up for talking but I know secretly I feel relieved when he isn’t up for talking because I don’t know what to say anyway.

not sure if any of this is making sense but just wondering if anyone else has felt a similar way and if there’s anything different I should be doing.

it sounds awful but I just want it to happen as I can’t bear the effect it’s having on my mum and all these invasive horrible treatments to buy him more time have just bought him months of feeling too ill to leave the house or be around people.

OP posts:
jannier · 18/04/2023 20:22

You don't have to say anything a cuddle or hand hold means everything to both of them and you. I've watched my parents die in my 20s long drawn out illnesses when your dad looks at you or squeezes your hand for the last time it stays with you forever.

AgrathaChristie · 18/04/2023 21:29

As @jannier has said, you don’t have to talk, just sitting is ok. That’s alien to us in everyday life so seems difficult to do. Maybe ask him if he’d like anything to listen to? Music or a radio programme ?
I can understand your mum wanting to do everything for your step dad , perhaps you can help in other ways, offer to do her shopping, or ironing, the mundane things that are hard to do when you’re caring for someone who’s ill. And your mum will need you most after he has passed. I’m really sorry, it’s a very stressful time, you go through the emotional wringer.

Babamamananarama · 18/04/2023 21:34

Can I recommend the book 'With The End In Mind' by Kathryn Mannix. It's an incredible gentle, honest book about how to navigate death and dying by a leading palliative specialist. My sister found it massively helpful when her father in law was at the end of life.

I'm sorry for what you are all going through.

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