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Original poster

Do I really need 'mum friends'?

23 replies

Ohrwurm · 17/04/2023 14:38

Hi everyone,
Just looking for your own experiences of mum friends and playdates.
I have a toddler (2.9 years) and my baby is 12 weeks. Because of lockdown, I made no mum friends in the baby years of my toddler, and this time around, it's hard to get to baby groups as I have my toddler most of the time too.

I don't want this to sound like a stealth boast, so I'm sorry if it does, but I've never had problems making friends. The only issue is, I've moved about countries so my friends are dotted around the place. Basically, I have really good friends, but none nearby. And my friends with children were my friends before children so I don't have any 'mum friends'.

I'd love to make some local mum friends to meet up for playdates. It hasn't happened naturally so I've been putting myself out there more, asking on the expats Facebook group (I live in an EU country), asking locals to meet, trying to get to some baby groups when my toddler is at nursery (2 mornings a week). But it's just not happening. There's a huge chat with babies born the same time as ds2, someone asked this morning for advice / experiences and I shared mine to try help and was totally ignored. In another chat someone put together here where I'm based for English speakers to meet, we were supposed to list where we were from and try make local connections for playdates. Someone posted they have children the same age as mine and lived really close so I suggested a playdate and I got a thumbs up and nothing more while the rest were busy planning actual playdates with each other.
Then an app, where someone messaged me and I answered only to be ignored again. I'm quite resilient so I'm not hurt or upset or feeling like it's bashing my confidence, I'm just getting fed up.

I think I just want my son to have children his age to play with, I'd love to have regular little friends in his life as my mum never bothered to do that for me and I feel I missed out.

Basically should I just stop bothering and let it happen naturally? Is he too young anyway and it's not so important right now? I'm not going to be letting him down if I don't keep trying? Or should I just keep persevering?

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

Cakencookieobsessed · 17/04/2023 15:02

It's nice to meet genuine people who have kids the same age and to have someone to chat to about stuff and do things together, but I don't think it's essential and I don't think friendship should be forced if its just based on your kids. I've made a couple of friends at my kid's school but I mainly like just doing my own thing and I'm not the type to be sitting in other people's houses all day every day like some school mums I know.

EssexMamisoa · 17/04/2023 15:34

I don’t have any - can’t be bothered with the small talk. I do however take DD to my local childrens centre once a week - they have a “busy baby” class for free. My DD absolutely loves seeing the other babies so she gets the benefits without me having to be forced best friends with another mum. I interact with the mum’s during the hour but they’re not my friends. Maybe see if you have a childrens centre near by? I googled my council and childrens centre (or ask your HV).

EssexMamisoa · 17/04/2023 15:35

Sorry should have added - the childrens centre i go to their busy babies is for babies and toddlers so would suit you possibly

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AreYouShittingMe · 17/04/2023 15:49

I took my toddler to baby groups. It was a great way to help me work out the mum's who I wouldn't get on with!
I'm still very good friends with two of the people who were actively engaging of my toddler rather than the majority of PFB mums in the group who clearly didn't like him being there (I wasn't the only mum who took a toddler, and the HV encouraged it as she knew it's harder with more than one).
I found mum friends helpful at the baby stage, and then helpful at school age. I found it was hard with toddlers as they need so much attention it was easier to do things alone. But that was just me.
If you are good at making friends, when the opportunity arises you will be fine

Monkeybutt1 · 17/04/2023 15:58

I didn't have any Mum friends until DS started school and it took a while. I now have the best group of friends. Aside from the friendship side of things we all help each other out with school pick ups/drop offs when needed so its practical help too. And we go to the pub regularly and drink wine 😁

Original poster

Ohrwurm · 18/04/2023 12:27

Thanks everyone for your experiences and suggestions! I think I'm just going to relax about it all and as pp mentioned just focus on spending the time with my toddler giving him my attention. I'm sure it'll come naturally at some point!

OP posts:

ostentatiousocelot · 18/04/2023 13:59

Will your oldest be going to nursery at some point? If so, he will make friends there and you may well find that you get to know other mothers in that context. I think making friends online is hard. If he's not going to go to nursery and you have a couple of years of this before he starts school then I'd try to find some playgroups, toddler classes or groups etc for him and see if you can meet other families in real life that way.

ostentatiousocelot · 18/04/2023 14:00

Sorry, I clearly can't read. Just saw that he goes to nursery a couple of days a week. How about inviting one of his friends there to meet at the park or something?

Rubyupbeat · 18/04/2023 14:43

I am still friends with mums I met through toddler groups and school 35 years ago.
I think with me I met many mums and some you just had a lot in common with, others not. Just like any other group of people.

Hazelnuttella · 18/04/2023 14:47

It is really difficult. I got chatting to another mum at a baby class and invited her to my house for a play date.

They both seemed to enjoy the play date (stayed for several hours and only left when I said it was my DS nap time)… but then literally never heard from her again.

LillyBugg · 18/04/2023 14:55

Can you not go to toddler/pre schooler groups and take your baby along rather than the other way around? I found lots of mums had babies in arms at these types of groups and there's plenty of chances to chat to people.

EarlGreyAndCucumber · 18/04/2023 16:00

I made all my parent friends while the children were at nursery, especially during the “too young to drop off at birthday parties” age.

Ilkleymoor · 18/04/2023 16:26

Ask nursery staff to pass a note to the parents of any kids your toddler mentions and see if they want to meet up. Try park first. I now have a solid playdate and mum friend through doing this. Our kids will also be at school together so provided they stay mates, we are looking at doing pick up cover for each other once a week as we live five mins away. I have an only child and wanted to ensure they made friends and had lots of people in their life.

Sarahtm35 · 23/05/2023 23:06

Hes old enough for 15 hours free nursery. Why don’t you sign him up to a local one and let him make friends there.

lofico · 23/05/2023 23:32

I don't have mum friends and don't feel any emotional or practical need for them. DD never had play dates before school age, she was fine just playing when at nursery p/t and when she was with me I'd take her to classes or playgrounds where we'd play together or sometimes she'd play with a child she met there. I work flexibly and p/t, and DH can wfh when he wants, so no need for help with pickups etc (and not sure I'd want the obligation to do pickups for others).

I quite enjoy taking my dcs out on our own terms and I prefer that to play dates - sometimes it's nice to be able to choose where to go, pay for events if you want to rather than suggest a cheap activity just in case the other parent doesn't want to, and deal with naps and snacks according to their own schedule rather than worrying about another child's needs (who ends up distracting your child at nap time and messes up their sleep schedule). Plus we often book events far in advance at weekends so we have family days out planned with DH, and it's hard to schedule play dates which often are more last minute but by then I've already arranged something.

MeinKraft · 23/05/2023 23:38

I panicked about all this but it just happened organically in the end once DS started school. It takes a while but you get to know other mums when you're dropping off/picking up from birthday parties and standing at the school gates and all that. Also when they start clubs you might find you hit it off with one or two of the other mums. I think your kids are just young and just give it time and let it happen.

LBFseBrom · 23/05/2023 23:51

Cakencookieobsessed · 17/04/2023 15:02

I was the same but I went to work part time and was far more sociable with colleagues; of course many were parents but we didn't spend our time talking about our children.

Original poster

Ohrwurm · 24/05/2023 11:35

Thanks everyone for the continued suggestions and experiences.

I posted this over a month ago and since then have been just doing things along the lines of what @lofico has said. Enjoying the time alone. I actually like not having to make plans around someone else and just doing what we fancy doing that day. Coming home when I like etc. As I said I personally have lots of great friends whom i made before children so I'm not without. In the last 5 weeks, I've naturally been chatting to a local mum a lot via message and every Tuesday, I got to an English speaking (I live in the EU) baby group whilst the big ones in nursery and it's been great just socialising a bit in English with other mums in my own language. But I'm quite happy for now doing my own thing and allowing the playdates to happen naturally when he goes to nursery full time (they start at 3 years old here) or at school.

OP posts:

QueefQueen80s · 24/05/2023 12:53

I didn't make any until they started pre school, so aged 3/4. It was when we were going 5 days a week, events at school, parties etc

JustaChristian · 05/08/2023 18:55

that is the best advice
these things happening or not, you have your life to live, live it to the fullest
when we go as a family out on weekends , i only see families with kids , never see groups of parents with kids. Occasionally may be, but the majority of people live life as a family not a pack of families

LBFseBrom · 12/08/2023 17:33

It depends what you mean by 'mum friends'. I had friends who were parents and went to work with people who had children with whom I formed friendships but none of our relationships revolved around our children. I wouldn't have gone to clubs designed for mothers and children but have to say there weren't any when mine was small. We managed fine.

Noorandapples · 12/08/2023 17:40

I didn't click with other mum's until my child started school, now I do it's like a friendship but with extra pros and cons. Great for childcare, play dates, helping each other out, but if the kids fall out it's a nightmare to manage, if parenting styles don't match up can become quite difficult too

lofico · 12/08/2023 19:59

I don't have mum friends and never felt the need to. DD is at school and prefers after school activities and family days out to play dates so I don't feel any need to organise them. DH's work is flexible so he's always been able to cover if I can't do a pickup etc, so I have no need for a support network for that. I'm not an anxious or sociable person so I never needed mum friends for reassurance. DCs have always gone to lots of paid for activities and other social play environments while they were babies and toddlers so plenty of exposure to social interaction there. I probably miss out on a bit of gossip and grapevine knowledge, but the flipside is that I'm not exposed to the toxic side of that, which overall is probably better for me.

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