Parents of ADHD older kids / teens

[WhoBird]

DS2 was diagnosed at 10 with ADHD, after many years of it being suggested / spoken about at primary. He is now 13 and at secondary school. They have made some accommodations / adaptions for him - however any support strategy is being complicated by his behaviour - he has a real problem with being told what to do, and is rude and argumentative, then refuses to accept he is responsible. He has always had issues with big emotions, and regulating and responding to these. But now it is literally like he cannot be told what to do or told off in any way. I have spent ages reading about how children with ADHD can be rude and defiant, and strategies for managing this, but lots of them just don’t work in a school setting, or are aimed at younger children.

I want his needs recognised and met but I also want him to not be rude and disrespectful- I also don’t want him to miss out on things, for example, he is. I longer allowed to take part in after school sports clubs because he was so rude and disruptive in multiple sessions, despite allowances being made for things like the difficulties he has with following instructions and listening.

I feel really down. I don’t know what to do. In the past I feel like I’ve been to harsh and had expectations he couldn’t meet. But now am I just not causing bad behaviour and confusing it with other issues?

Excusing bad behaviour that should say!

It's very hard.
My dd is 17 and is fine with others but can't get herself back to school and we can even mention the S word now as she daily's it makes her rebel against going

Apparently it's super common for adhd to not like authority or demands. They just can't help it.

How on earth we guide support and parent that tho is very hard.

I'm just trying to give her freedom to make her own choices presently

I sit on my hands a lot!!!!!

It’s so hard isn’t it. It’s constantly feel like I’m doing the wrong thing, and this doesn’t help as it makes me inconsistent. I have always preferred natural consequences but I worry about the effect of his behaviour in the meantime while those kick in!

Hello! Son is 11 and has adhd.

Have you listened or read the book "how not to murder your adhd kid"? And the author also wrote one for teachers which I sent in to my sons Senco!

The one for parents has been a life saver for me. Please listen to the audio book if you can! It's amazing. There's so much on there and so much advice and tips.

For instance; people with adhd have a heightened sense of justice and she explains this. My son hates losing, and he has to be right always. If someone challenges him he can get very cross very quickly. She talks about how to deal with this.

Same with giving an adhd child choices. I never say to my son "can you go and tidy your room please?" I'll say, "do you want to shower first or quickly sort your room?" And most of the time it works. ADHD people want control; they want to be in charge.

There are lots of similarities here with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) which is a type of autism. Might be worth looking at that too.

Did he want to do after school clubs? It’s just I was reading the other day, about how to handle emotional dysregulation in children with ADHD, and it said not to overload them with after school clubs, because they need plenty of unstructured time after school.

I can say that allowances being made for following instructions is not enough. DD (with ADD) told me, in A level biology, the teacher explained how to do an experiment. DD could not take in the instructions. She’d ask her classmates what to do. They’d explain it to her. She still couldn’t follow the instructions and asked again what to do. Her classmates got annoyed and refused to explain again. DD had no idea what to do. The fact is giving a long list of instructions was too much for DD, and repeating them several times was never going to work! She needed one instruction, time to do it, then another instruction, on repeat. She can’t follow recipes, so simply writing a long list of instructions doesn’t work either.

I don’t believe consequences work either, because the impulsivity means next time, they still won’t think about the consequences - it’s a case of act first, without thinking. Consequences just lower self esteem and confidence, because they feel a failure.

I don’t know the answer to your problems OP, because DH and DD never got into trouble at school - they weren’t rude or defiant. I only know they struggled, but apparently in silence! I do wonder about traits of autism though?

Hi I'm going through the same struggles ATM with my teenage son , I have no idea what to do atm either , single mum of 3 days are hard as ever. He won't get out of bed , won't let school or me help him and gets bullied alot