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Original poster

Worried about leaving my son behind

22 replies

toodledo · 15/04/2023 20:38

I'm returning to work in Sept, where I will have had a whole year off. Im really lucky to have been able to do this, but I'm absolutely dreading it - mainly because I can't stand the idea of leaving my son (currently 7 months) with anyone else. He's only ever been looked after by me or his dad, although my MIL is very eager to help. I haven't felt ready yet to leave him with anyone but feel immense pressure as return to work looms nearer (although still a while off I know).

Come my return to work MIL has kindly agreed to have him 2 days a week. Then the other 2 days will be childminder (I'm working 4 days pw).

I particularly worry about MIL, not for any specific reason, but because she's a little older and this is her first grandchild, so she doesn't always "get" things with DS, eg. "Oh why are you upset? Don't you like my singing?" When he's actually super tired and overstimulated. Minor things like that that irk me (probably unreasonably). DH says the only way to move past this is to let her spend more time with him so she can learn more about what he liked and wants etc.

I worry about him needing me, him not having his needs met by those who don't understand what he wants, and him missing me when I go back to work. Am I being silly? I'm a FTM. Just wondering, hoping, other mums have felt this way at some point in the early days and can offer reassurance.

OP posts:
SunshineGeorgie · 15/04/2023 20:41

Yes you are being silly

She has had at least one baby before! She will manage

Original poster
toodledo · 15/04/2023 20:43

Wow - staggering empathy there, cheers

OP posts:
wishuponastar1988 · 15/04/2023 20:45

Nope you absolutely aren't being silly - leaving your baby is a big thing. I have just gone back to work after 9 months and I've found it so hard although the build up was worse I found. My baby has been looked after by DP/dad for 2 weeks to let me settle in. My baby then starts nursery Monday and I am dreading it - lots of irrational worries about everything. Be kind to yourself x

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RunningFromInsanity · 15/04/2023 20:47

A mixture of the 2 above. Your MIL has successfully raised at least one baby herself so she is capable. But equally leaving your child for the first time is scary so your feelings are valid.

crackfoxy · 15/04/2023 20:47

Your DH is right let your DS spend more time with his Nan before you go back to work then hopefully you'll feel better about it. He will be fine, as will you, it's normal to be worried but you are so lucky he will be looked after two days by someone that loves him unconditionally

FlutterbButterfly · 15/04/2023 20:48

You have separation anxiety! Yes you are being silly most mums have to return to work. You're a FTM not the first mum to ever grace the planet. You'll get used to it OP.

TempNCforthis · 15/04/2023 20:48

Why don't you keep a diary of the baby's day that she could look at before minding him? It would give her a few hints!

Mafelicent · 15/04/2023 20:58

Do you have the option of not returning to work immediately? Because if that's viable, and if that's what you want, then it's a perfectly valid choice.

But if you definitely do need/want to go back to work, then he really will be fine. 7 months is still an absolute baby, and probably the first few months back will be tough, but he'll be a toddler before you know it, and he'll begin communicating more effectively, and the novelty value of having someone else who does different stuff with him will quickly outweigh the fact that she always puts him down too late for his nap.

Lcb123 · 15/04/2023 21:00

Your DH is right, the only way to improve their relationship is to have more time together without you there. She’s had own child(ren) so you need to work on trusting her, she is being very generous with child care

Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes · 15/04/2023 21:21

Come on guys, don’t be dicks. Everyone struggles pretty much, with the first few times you leave your kid with someone, especially going back to work. Be that a family member, nanny or nursery.

Your MIL isn’t in tune with him at the moment. If she’s going to look after him, the only way is to let her get to know him more and help her to understand. If you’re undecided, then maybe, for your own peace of mind, start finding a nanny or childminder who you trust.

Noideawhatiam · 15/04/2023 21:23

You're feelings are understandable, leaving your baby is difficult.
When my parents or MIL have provided childcare for me, I've told myself that even if they don't do things the same way as me (or even something I mildly disagree with) I trust 100% that they are doing everything from a place of genuine love and care for my children, which is really the absolute best you can ever hope for.

cigarettesNalcohol · 15/04/2023 21:40

Feel for you op. It's not easy leaving your baby. It's going to be hard and nothing is going to change that. But as you ease back into work and he settles in with the CM and your MIL, I'm sure things will start to feel like the new normal in no time. As long you truly believe your MIL is capable of keeping him safe then don't worry about the rest. She will get to know him more and more and I'm sure he'll love spending time with her. You're lucky you have family to help. Focus on the last months you have with him and if leaving him really feels impossible then perhaps look into staying home FT, if that's what you need/are able to do. That's also perfectly valid.

cigarettesNalcohol · 15/04/2023 21:42

FlutterbButterfly · 15/04/2023 20:48

You have separation anxiety! Yes you are being silly most mums have to return to work. You're a FTM not the first mum to ever grace the planet. You'll get used to it OP.

Jeez. How kind.

Ikeameatballs · 15/04/2023 21:45

You really need to work up to you MIL having him at least one full day/week before you go back to work.

What’s the longest time she’s had him, for on her own, up to now?

lifehappens12 · 15/04/2023 21:51

It is really tough when you first go back and often it's because you no longer know what they are doing every minute of the day and it's so hard to believe that other people will know how to care for your baby like you do.

So now with your rationale brain - look at how much your baby has changed in 7 months and again by 12 months he will have changed again.

To help your mil she does need more time with him.

My mil doesn't live local and I felt she always used to annoy my youngest as he never seemed happy to go her. However my youngest is hugely connected to me. If I am in the room - no one else (including his dad often) is good enough.

If I am not in the house - he loves being with his grand mother.

Also - it's great that he will be with family two days a week aswell

PeppaPigWorld · 15/04/2023 21:59

You're not unreasonable at all! I can still remember feeling devastated about having to leave mine to go back to work.

Try to focus on the positives. You've got a good set-up with 2 days MIL, 2 days childminder. My Mil did one day a week for us, and actually I loved the fact that she could text me pictures or just reassure me dc were OK ( especially if they were ever a little under the weather) whilst I was at work.

User2538309 · 15/04/2023 22:15

I can totally empathise @toodledo. I felt exactly the same. Even though I desperately wanted to go back (part time) to work, it was emotionally really challenging preparing to leave him with others. I was so worried about how sensitive DC was and how no one else could be attuned enough.

Two things:

  1. They adjust and it will be ok. It always is although it can be rough in transition.
  2. A 12 month old is nothing like a 7 month old, it will feel different.

Do as much chatting and/or sign-language with him as you can, they are so much more communicative at 12 months than 7. And start now practicing getting more time apart, if MIL is keen to have DC, let her! Meet a friend, have a bath, get your hair cut… whatever it is that will help you feel more like you and distract you whilst you aren’t with DC.

Pollydolly13 · 15/04/2023 22:48

It is so hard leaving a baby. But it will be better for you all if you build up gradually. Good luck.

Lulabelleblue · 16/04/2023 12:54

I would invite her round a lot leading up to you going back to work, so she can spend time with you and baby in your home and see the routines you have established.

Of course nobody will understand your baby better than you. But that doesn't mean baby won't be alright with mil.

confusedlots · 16/04/2023 13:03

I think everyone feels exactly like this with their first child. I know I did. I cried on the first morning I went back to work. DH had left with DD to drop her at MIL's and I was still getting ready for work and I burst into tears.

It takes a little adjusting, but after a few weeks I was loving the new balance in my life, loving the 20 minute bus journey to work where I could read a book or just get some headspace. Loving being back in adult company and sitting having lunch with colleagues and having an adult conversation with no interruptions.

You just have to realise that it won't be easy for the first week or two, but honestly that feeling soon passes and you start to rediscover yourself as a person, not just a mum.

And you have a day off every week to enjoy with your child and get a break from work. And if baby number 2 ever comes along, you'll be skipping back to work when the time comes!

Original poster
toodledo · 16/04/2023 17:04

Thanks so much everyone. It's really reassuring to hear from mums who have gone through this. I haven't ever left him with anyone but now is the time to put in the practice I think, with little steps. We're going on a family holiday (locally not abroad) with MIL so thatd be a good time for her to look after him for an hour or two while we enjoy being out or something. 💜

OP posts:
NotPrettyInPink23 · 16/04/2023 17:06

Haven't read all thread.
What about spending 1 day a week or fortnight with mil so she gets used to his routine.
Maybe after a couple pop to do food shop or hair cut or similar start with an hour then 2 and so forth

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