Calling parents of teeangers with ADHD or those that were teenagers with ADHD

[Itstoday]

My lovely son is is year 12 at college and is really struggling.

He has ADHD (inattentive) and has chosen since college to stop taking his medication. He doesn’t like how it makes him feel (depressed and withdrawn) so I supported him in deciding for himself what he would like to do.

He did well at GCSE (he agreed to take medication throughout and I supported him with revision). He got a 9 for computer science and he is now doing a BTEC in computer science and Maths A level.

He loves all things computer and always has a project on the go at home, he codes and builds computers and servers and plays around with ChatGPT working out what prompts will get what. He can hyperfocus hugely and is incredibly curious and will spend hours trying to fix a problem in code.

However non of this translates to college work.
He will do the bare minimum.
He cannot organise his work at all, which means for the projects he really doesn’t know what he is doing and is lost.
He is really not doing well at all and will almost certainly not get the Distinction he is predicted.

The main issue is that he doesn’t want anything to change. He finds the work boring and he is so literal that he struggles with the projects as they are asking him to do things that ‘don’t make sense’ and therefore as he describes it he finds is demeaning to do it.

He cannot find any motivation or care in any way. He says in theory he wants to do well and I think understands that he could do well, but in the moment, just cannot find any motivation to care about or do the work.

What do I do? I am thinking about his wellbeing both long term and short term.

We have a really good relationship. He will let me help him sometimes, but unless I can fully take over (I may also have ADHD and I can feel the pull to hyperfocusing on his work) then I feel like it is a sticking plaster.

In my heart of hearts I feel that I need to let him get on with it, to always be here if he needs me, but at some point he has to find his own motivation and I need to accept the fact he might not?

I describe it like driving a car. For GCSE’s I drioe the car, sometimes he was in the passenger seat, sometimes in the boot and sometimes by the side of the road.

He needs to drive his own car, but he doesn’t even want to be in the car, so then I start driving it again.

I have to stop driving it don’t I?

But I don’t think he will drive it and I think it will run off a cliff.

I would love to hear from others who have/had a similar teen and what they did?

Also from anyone who was like this as a teenager? The most important thing is my relationship with him and that long term that is OK. Not his grades. Although there is a huge part of me that is heartbroken at seeing his self sabotage and knowing that if he took his medication he would not be struggling and would do well.

Has he tried different types of medications?What about a tutor just to get him through the really boring but necessary assignments and revision for exams?
Could you try sitting next to him doing your own admin/work/made up project and he does his? Having someone sitting in the same room doing their own thing could help.

Sorry no answer here as my adhd ds is younger - but I can see similar issues coming up as he gets older. Is there no way to motivate / reward him to continue just while he gets his qualifications out of the way?
Also, for anyone with an adhd kid (probably younger than yours) I would recommend a book ‘how to not murder your adhd child’ which has some great advice.
Sorru I can’t be more helpful. I found your insight that you tend to hyper focus on his work very enlightening - sums up what happened to us during covid and lockdown (ds did very well in English on those months and I learnt a lot about poetry!! - hadn’t realised what was going on before reading your post, it’s a good watch out for the future!)
xx

I would speak to a Dr about your concerns it may be that he just hasn’t found the right meds yet? X
My ADHD son really struggles with low mood/anxiety , he is on - guanfacine and it has helped

I ploughed my A levels for similar reasons.

I don’t think you should just step aside, but have a talk with him about the facts these problems are going to be with him for life, so might as well build a strategy now.

Structure to when he works (sitting alongside you is a good idea), a tutor, ADHD support groups, accountability check ins with you and the school could all be a good idea.

The point is to work with him to get a structure in place that he’s going to need through life, not impose it.

If he won’t engage then yes, you may need to let him learn the hard way. It’s not the end of the world if that’s how it goes.

I really feel for you and him, his ADHD won’t be allowing him to look at the bigger picture and make sensible choices.

If at all possible please get him to try other medications and doses. They all have different side effects and, inexplicably, totally different reactions in different people.

Will he accept the sticking plaster approach of accepting that there is a problem and allowing/cooperating with you in helping him manage (micromanage 😁) it? I really do understand that the ADHD can prevent him having even this much insight but it’s a short term solution.

Even medicated teens can require (and want) that management from us. Once in a while my teen also rants about how artificial and ineffective the exam system is. Without medication it would actually be literally impossible to get him to engage at all.

Under the circumstances your son is doing really well, and I know as a Mum you just want to help when you see that you can, I hope you can find a way forward.

I have had to step aside so to speak with my adhd and asd daughter. Me foing on and helping was just causing stress anxiety and self harm. So yes have let her steer her own car and deal with the consequences. While watching the car and will take over if she want's help. She doesn't.

She wilk likely fail but I can't force her to study. I have tried but it just mafe her worse.

It's really not easy.

My daughter is younger but I can totally understand this. When on meds she looses her sparkle. Sometimes I just think let her be natural and Medication free. But I know the outcome for so many 😞😞😞

I feel like it’s really a shame but quite true that many people offered ADHD meds need to make a choice and decide which is the best life balance for them.

@Raisinsandweetabix if it’s any reassurance, my DS totally loses his sparkle on some meds but he is adamant that he feels just as happy and excited inside. Clinician suggested that the meds are inhibiting his outward displays of emotion same as they inhibit other adhd impulses.

Thank you so much everyone - it is so validating having understanding of just how hard education is when ADHD is in the mix.
The being unable to make sensible choices and making any sacrifice now for long term gain really resonated. He is so fixated on the moment and how that feels he can think of nothing else.

I think we need to revisit medication again and try and find something that is tolerable for him, maybe a different medication or a lower dose.

Also, I think just taking it day by day. What support does he need today/can I offer today. There is a fine line between support that is collaborative and micromanaging and taking over. Not sure I've found that line yet.

He does do well all things considered.

Money is a motivator, so maybe I need to pay him to do his work!?

if you can afford it I would consider executive function coaching. This is someone else helping him understand what’s driving behaviours that are unhelpful to him and helping him develop strategies to manage them better. Just the self awareness will make it easier for him to accept your help in a collaborative way

And part of that includes them learning what could be their own short term motivator, trying out different things.

Firstly I'd look at trying an alternative medication. Secondly does he have lots of coursework? If it's the majority coursework then it's more of a problem imo. If there's an exam he might do well with a deadline and some excellent last minute revision? ADHDers often do better with a deadline.
If it's too easy he'll get bored more easily. Homework that appears pointless is the worst. I'd try and focus his efforts on the stuff that really counts and encourage self directed studying - so he can teach himself the content at his own pace- but obviously there needs to be some level of motivation for this (which is where a deadline or incentive helps!)

Hi. My son left school this summer , passing one GCSE. He had an IDP, so had extra time etc. he has AdHD, Dyscalculia and APD. He is now resitting his GCSES in a small centre we pay for. The staff are brilliant and have suggested that it would have been obvious to his previous school that he wouldn’t cope as he needs such a lot of support to keep him on track. They have also suggested dysgraphia and questioned why no one picked up on how poor is handwriting is which in addition to the other difficulties makes writing hard. As parents we feel we have utterly failed our son. We always asked the school if there was anything else we could be doing, I think because he was always described as hard working and polite, he pretty much was left to his own devices. We were always told at parents evening gs that he was capable of passing his GCSEs. There was never any suggestion that he needed a laptop for lessons and to have a scribe for exams, which is what is happening now. I feel so angry that we have been in the dark for all those years. Part of me wants to sue the school for failing him. In reality I just want to make sure we do what we can going forward, and was wondering if anyone has come across dysgraphia? This post is probably more of an offload sorry!

Im in the process of trying to get the LA to fund the fees we are paying, they have already said they think it’s unlikely, but if the amount of support he requires is more than could be reasonably provided in a statutory setting, can they refuse ?

Hi, I know this is an old post, just came across it now. How do I find someone who does executive coaching? I don’t want to use someone who has been on a weekend course and says they’re qualified.

My son had session with connections in mind (coaching) and the person who
did it was a psychologist. It made a huge difference to him.
https://connectionsinmind.com/

My DS found it very helpful at that age to have explained to him the difference between Desire and Drive. He told me a conversation we had about this really changed his approach to life.

I pointed out that Desire is really wanting something and really hoping it happens. But that's where the effort ends. Sounds like he has desire for computer programming. People who just have Desire - however strong, rarely get anywhere. Everything remains an out of reach pipe dream.

But Drive is really wanting something and understanding that you have to wade through the dull stuff and tick box exercises in order to get where you want. That not all the stuff you want is endlessly interesting and it comes with a necessary side order of slog which you just have to accept and get on with. Tell him to up his Drive to give him the best shot of getting what he Desires. To keep his eye on what he wants while he applies himself to what he needs to do. This understanding totally changed ADHD son's approach to hard work.

Ask his teachers/tutors to help him get on top of his projects. Ask for permission to take photos of any homework that's on the board or ask for them to email him clear homework instructions with the hand in date labelled in bold. Or ask for access to the online homework hub if there is one and check it with him.

Get him into a routine. After dinner, clear the kitchen table and he works on his course work for two hours. After that, he does what he wants until 11.30 wind down for midnight lights out on school days.

Help him keep on top of his work with ziplock bags containing school text books, exercise books, loose work sheets, relevant kit - maths sets etc, so everything needed for a given lesson is all in one easily grabbale ziplock bag.

Get him to take Magnesium, Vit B complex and omega 3 supplements as these help with ADHD.

Another good thing that can help is some kind of monitoring progress tracker like an excel spreadsheet. Sit down with him and list out all the main tasks and then list within that all the little subtasks. Break it down, be as granular are you can be and as he needs it to be. If needs be add days and times and dates so he know exactly what to do when.
Yes it is spoon feeding but it should hopefully give him a structure and framework to follow that he can begin to take control of it and replicate it in the future.
Excel is good in that you can format it to calculate percentages and progress to the 100% completion and format it so that he can very visually see what's done and what is left to do. and see the progress very clearly and how much more there is to do.
I'm sure there are lots of apps that do this too but my adhd teen really likes to see his progress each day - it gives him the instant gratification daily hit and we are finding that excel is easy to manage.

I’m the OP here and answered someone today not realising I had started this thread! I also can’t believe that I wrote this less than a year ago as so much has changed.

my DS started to take his meds again when needed, does his work himself and is very motivated to get to University.

his attitude has changed completely and he has grown up so much in the last 12 months.

a couple of teachers who didn’t understand him and made the situation 100x worse left/ stopped teaching him and he had teachers who he liked and respected which made a massive difference.

he had some Adhd coaching which helped him take responsibility for himself and he went to university open days which motivated him to study as he could see why he was doing it.

things can change. I did stop driving him and he started taking the wheel.