I end up crying when my DC makes a scene in public

[OCM19]

I feel silly for even writing this, but My DC (just turned 4) doesn’t have ‘tantrums’ very often. It’s more when he gets embarrassed rather than when he doesn’t get his own way. It is few and far between but there have been a few times where we have been out and something has happened that has resulted in him getting soo worked up. (Examples below).

I seem to get really overwhelmed when people offer me help and I start crying which is just ridiculous, because at home I’m so calm in these situations. When we are out I also remain calm when talking to my DC, but I can feel myself getting teary when people are watching.

one example was when he bumped into something and he got upset because people saw and he felt embarrassed, I tried to calm him down but he just got hysterical. Another example was at soft play, a group of older children didn’t want him to play with them so he tried to follow them to play and then got upset that they wouldn’t play and they told him to leave them alone. When I tried to intervene he just screamed and went ridged and another mum had to hold my baby while I tried to calm him down.

I know tantrums and these feelings are so normal for his age and I feel like I deal with them well, but I can’t seem to help crying when other people are present or offer help. It’s ridiculous but I don’t know how to control it. Does anyone have any suggestions of how I can manage my own emotions (I feel so silly as I am such a calm person and I don’t let it show until the person asks if I’m ok)!

thank you!

Ah you’re just human. You both sound on the normal side of a bit highly strung. I cry easily too and 3 year olds are bloody hard work. Be a bit kinder to yourself - you’re doing your best. It will get easier.

He's copying your behaviour, he feels embarrassed and overwhelmed so has a tantrum, you feel embarrassed and overwhelmed and you cry

As PP he seems to have the same reaction as you do - maybe you could try to talk to him about how he feels in those moments at a calmer time? Just to say that it can be normal to feel embarrassed sometimes - perhaps because you feel it’s so terrible he feels the same.

I cried when DS had a huge tantrum when he was 3 (now 19!)

We were in a long queue at a theme park, we were almost at the end and he had this huge tantrum. I had to carry him back through this queue, kicking and screaming. I got to the end and I just cried. So embarrassed/angry/tired.

This lovely couple came over and one of them calmed DS down and the other gave me a hug. Never forgotten how kind they were!

Lots of self talk when you are feeling calm and regulated. The work goes in when you are feeling ok so you build up some "train tracks" your mind can run on when you're overwhelmed. It's very difficult to address anything when you're upset - the goal is to avoid reaching that point rather than getting out of it. Practice a stock response you can use to someone else, just parroting it really and keep repeating. Also maybe a mantra you repeat to yourself, maybe something like "Jamie is safe. I am safe. I've got this."

Keep an eye on your feelings, be prepared to swoop in and remove him (and you) from the situation while you still can, before you break down. But mainly you need to convince your brain that this situation occuring is not a disaster, you have all the skills you need to handle it. Then it stops being the "lion in the corner of the room" which tips you straight into adrenaline fuelled flight or fight. Look for small wins and talk them up to yourself, like you would to an anxious child who is bravely trying to do something they find really hard.

And just be a lot kinder to yourself. We all have bad days, especially with small kids. It feels horrible to have such an emotional reaction but it's not a personal failing. It sounds like an anxiety thing so read up on anxiety. Reading up on coping with anxiety might be helpful - separating the thoughts from the physical panic/flight or fight reaction is really helpful in dealing with it, understanding it's not "just me being silly" but your body having an over-reaction that was built in to keep you safe but has got a bit keen and trigger happy, and finding a way to break it down and deal with it. Sorry for the essay!

What a helpful response, thanks Nismet!
and yes OP try not to be so tough on yourself, it’s really hard and vulnerable dealing with a tantrumming child in public

I agree with everything above. Just an alternate possible idea though-

I found that at times my children could be distracted when I didn't't think it would be possible. I am not talking about in the middle of a full blown tantrum, but just before that moment. Simply picking them up and sitting down a little bit away and reading a favourite book would do it. So, in the middle of an airport on the floor, in a shopping trolley, just outside a playground, etc. Other things have worked too, but favourite books pulled out at unpredictable moments were the most often successful.

Oh, the whole point I was making is that the act of reading will distract you too, and give you a sense of perspective. Sometimes talking about emotions and being empathetic is too much for us at the moment of the crisis and distraction can help. The talk and empathy can come a little later.

I don't do the same but something I do is laugh, I have an 8 yr old son with adhd including extreme anger and name calling, I've noticed that if I'm in public or with close friends or family and he's particularly nasty to me I do like an embarrassed laugh and I just can't hold it in and it's horrible because afterwards I think everyone thinks I'm laughing at his behaviour! 🤦🏼‍♀️

Thank you everyone for your very helpful comments and advice. sorry for the late reply, my newborn hasn’t been very well so I’ve only just had time to read through them. I will definitely take on board the suggestions and I do already encourage discussions afterwards which I will do more of. Thank you again

Why do YOU get so upset? Are you embarrassed, ashamed,worried about what other people will think etc?

Next time, just let him do it and feel it. Offer reassurance in a calm soft voice , "it's ok,I'm here" and pat his back while you sit next to him or whatever. Just let him feel it . Don't get frantic,or quickened/heightened tone of voice , fussing etc.

He should calm down a lot easier, and you'll learn that the world won't end, no one will drag you off to jail or boo you or throw rotten tomatoes at you and that it really ,really isn't such a big deal. Do some grounding exercises in your head, sing your song, talk to yourself to keep yourself busy rather than looking/worrying at other people and what they are seeing/thinking.

The first time is the hardest.