Hurt by sister's attitude

OperationUnicorn · 2023-04-13T22:18:26+00:00

I honestly don't know what to think about this one. I have one sister. Her daughter (DN) was very sick when she was very young. She could have died. Obviously this was devastating for my sister and her partner. She did recover but it's not been easy for them. I understand that. My DS, who is exactly the same age (11), has been diagnosed with a health condition that may (or may not) have an impact on his quality of life. It's caused me a lot of angst since his diagnosis. My sister just is not interested at all. I tried to talk to her about it and all she said was I needed to speak to a doctor. 🙄Which I have obviously....he's seeing a specialist, who gave the diagnosis! But I would have liked her to be concerned. Should I not expect anything given she had a lot to deal with when DN was ill? My DS's condition isn't as bad, but it's not a competition.

NewtonsCradle · 14/04/2023 00:54

Unfortunately it seems like it is a competition in your sister's mind. Imo you're better off not sharing anymore health information with her just say something like "Everything's fine thanks" and confide in your friends instead.

Restinggoddess · 14/04/2023 00:59

It is disappointing but she may also find it difficult to deal with another child that is sick, it must have been hard for her with her child maybe she can’t cope - she’s also making sure you talk to the doctor and not everyone but the doctor

I hope you child makes good progress - but when someone shows you who they are believe them, other friends and family maybe able to give you the support she is unable to do
best wishes to you and DS

DontGetEvenGetEverything · 14/04/2023 01:08

I don't think it's a competition for your sister. I would think the experience she had with her baby being so unwell was traumatic for her and she isn't ready, even all these years later, to go near those feelings again. So she can only react to your son's illness in an unfeeling way.
I also wonder if there isn't some anger and resentment that you weren't more available to support her 11 years ago. I have found that people whose children have additional needs - disability or severe illness - don't realise how exhausting and all-consuming having a "normal" LO can be. So she may have had unrealistic expectations of what support you could offer her at the time of your DN's illness, and feel like you were withholding.

Dontbelieveaword · 14/04/2023 01:08

Why is the sister making it about competition? Where has OP said that sister has said 'well, my DC's illness was worse'?. Surely it's the OP making it into a competition by comparing the care and interest she gave to sister and niece years ago to what support she is(not) getting from her sister now the roles are reversed.
Anyway, OP, I'm really sorry to hear your son is unwell and I really hope the prognosis is a positive one and he recovers soon.
However, you've now realised that you're not going to get the support you expect, need or want from your sister so please look for that support from the people who are willing and able to give it, as I'm sure there are many. Concentrating on your son and your own health is the priority so don't let any resentment towards your sister make a bad situation even worse.

NewtonsCradle · 14/04/2023 02:35

I read the post as the op thinks the social currency is empathy (she's surprised the sister is not concerned about her nephew) whereas her sister behaves as if the currency is attention (she took attention from her sister when her child was sick but she won't give attention when her niece is sick). What would cause a lack of reciprocity? If you infer that it's strong emotion from her own experience as a mother of a sick child you presuppose the sister has empathy (some people don't) and that she is choosing to not use her empathy as when her sister has tried to confide in her she has dismissed her. Imo not engaging will work best as it means the sister won't feel her quota of attention is being threatened.... Therefore stifling the 'competition' for attention. It's just my opinion based on a lot of life experience 🙂

IsolatedWilderness · 14/04/2023 02:46

It's possible your sister has PTSD from her own experience and finds it hard to difficult with health related things. Has her child got ongoing issues with health? To her it probably doesn't seem as bad as there is no risk of losing your child. I do agree that it's appropriate to be empathetic and that it's awful that anyone has a health condition that might affect their life. For whatever reason, personality, etc, she just can't 'go there'.

I have to say that when you do have a child with chronic illness it does just become your normal. This may be why she finds it hard to react much. It's just life to her.

On a more personal note, having lost a 16 year old child, it's not a competition if someone loses their 88 year old grandmother, but it just doesn't feel the same to me. That doesn't mean I don't empathise and know any loss is awful to those experiencing it, but it's just not he same. It's life and they got a full one. Maybe it's a bit like that for your sister?

Tomorrowisagesaway · 14/04/2023 03:00

Is she generally interested in your life and your son? Is she usually empathetic?

If she's generally not supportive, she's not necessarily going to change because you need some support nie, and if she doesn'twant to hear about what you'regoing through , it may well be that she does see this as competition.

You say that life hasn't been easy for her - she may see your role as supporting her, and possibly other family members prioritising her needs, and as your son is ill you get to be the person who needs support now.

I hope you have other people in your life who can support you.

EllandRd · 14/04/2023 03:05

IsolatedWilderness · 14/04/2023 02:46

It's possible your sister has PTSD from her own experience and finds it hard to difficult with health related things. Has her child got ongoing issues with health? To her it probably doesn't seem as bad as there is no risk of losing your child. I do agree that it's appropriate to be empathetic and that it's awful that anyone has a health condition that might affect their life. For whatever reason, personality, etc, she just can't 'go there'.

I have to say that when you do have a child with chronic illness it does just become your normal. This may be why she finds it hard to react much. It's just life to her.

On a more personal note, having lost a 16 year old child, it's not a competition if someone loses their 88 year old grandmother, but it just doesn't feel the same to me. That doesn't mean I don't empathise and know any loss is awful to those experiencing it, but it's just not he same. It's life and they got a full one. Maybe it's a bit like that for your sister?

I am so sorry for your loss, cannot imagine what you have been through.

Puffykins · 14/04/2023 09:02

So my DS had cancer when he was younger. He was really lucky, and survived. but in the 4 years plus we spent in and out of hospital etc. having treatment, we met a lot of children who did not survive, and even now, three years post DS finishing chemo, we'll hear of a child we know relapsing (which is a possibility for DS too - just we so, so hope he won't - and he still has regular checkups etc.) And again, I imagine this happens to your sister too. I don't tell my family every time it happens incidentally - they don't need to live with the low level fear that I do. What has happened is that I have - through necessity - developed a very pragmatic approach to child illness and death etc. It's partly because if I got emotional every time, I'd be a wreck. Which may be why your sister isn't demonstrating whatever it is that you want her to.

gluenotsoup · 14/04/2023 09:09

If it’s not too personal, can you say what the illness your son has is?
If it’s something that is relatively common, that he can live a healthy and full life with, that her more extreme experiences are making her have a “it’s not that bad, keep perspective and be positive and carry on” mindset that comes across as unfeeling when she has every sympathy but a weary, battlefield mentality. Hope that makes sense.

Puffykins · 14/04/2023 09:10

I'm really sorry to hear about your DS's health condition though - and I'm sure your sister is too - and I hope that it becomes easier/ better over time.

jannier · 14/04/2023 09:44

I think she doesn't want to revisit the pain and fear of her daughter being so Ill so doesn't feel able to be your sounding board like a type of PSD. Maybe look for an online support group or another relative or friend

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 14/04/2023 10:31

How much attention and support did you give her when her DD was sick?

Is you son's condition something to actually be concerned about or something she could advise on?

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 14/04/2023 11:36

I'd try and get support elsewhere in this situation.

Original poster

OperationUnicorn · 17/04/2023 11:36

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 14/04/2023 10:31

How much attention and support did you give her when her DD was sick?

Is you son's condition something to actually be concerned about or something she could advise on?

Loads -though I didn't live anywhere near at the time, and I did have my own 2 year old. But I was going to go up and look after her older child, though in the end my parents did that. I wasn't looking for advice - only a doctor can do that really.
But she literally does not care. She's made that clear. I tried to engage once to say I was worried and she just said speak to the doctor. That was it.

Yes it is something to be concerned about. He has an eye condition which could cause him serious sight problems. He'll almost certainly need an operation. I've been extremely low and have gone on ADs since I found out. A little bit of sympathy would have been nice from her; that's all I was asking.

In all honesty I think this is what she is like with me. I always thought we got on on (we have a lot in common) but weren't that close, especially as have busy lives. But there have been times when I've realise she wasn't too bothered about me. I once met one of her best friends who told me my sister had never mentioned having a sister; and a few other telling examples I now realise. She's sometimes seemed a bit resentful of me and once said my kids had a nicer life than hers (we have a higher income but that's it - and anyway as has been proved money isn't the main thing to have a nice life).

I'll be going pretty low contact which is a shame as I'm fond of her kids.

OP posts: