I think anxiety has affected the way I've parented and I feel so guilty

[losenotloose]

I wish I could write it all down but I'll try and keep it brief. I've suffered with low self esteem and anxiety since I was a child (I remember telling my mum that nobody liked me and I was a bad person).

Anyway, fast forward to having dc and it just amplified what was already there, probably with pnd. From day one I felt like I didn't know what I was doing, didn't want the midwife to see dc1 crying, felt like everyone was judging me etc. This has basically continued and dc are 14 and 16. I'm having a really hard time with them and can't tell if it's normal teenagers or I've screwed up. They have both told me they hate me recently and it felt like they meant it.

Dh has been very supportive and done his best but I think he's struggled because of me so we've been in a vicious cycle of being a bit too strict and serious ie instead of dealing things in a positive way giving consequences too quickly. And obviously the anxiety has affected my mood so I would get stressed and grumpy. I feel so terrible. I didn't do this on purpose, I thought I'd be a good mum. It didn't help that when I was a sahm I had no friends and no support so very lonely. I want to make it better.

Parenting out of GUILT is the very last thing you want to do with teenagers. Do anything but that.

@RudsyFarmer I think you're right because I can see they can easily walk all over me. I need to work on me but I'm stuck

Forgiving yourself would be a useful first step. It sounds to me like you were in the midst of a medical situation and you tried your best to be the best parent you could in the situation.

When my eldest was young I didn’t parent very well. I had three miscarriages over this period and I was a complete shell of a person until DC2 came along. I forgive myself. I’ve made some bad decisions and some excellent decisions but my mindset was always good faith. I refuse to parent out of guilt.

I’m always very open to talking about everything which helps. I fully expect my children will become teenagers, young adults and adults who will sometimes act less than ideal and I hope I’d support them when they screw it up. We’re all flawed people.

Very kindly, your feelings of guilt are probably coming from your anxiety, not your ability as a parent. Are you getting any help for it?

Thank you. You sound well grounded which I am not! How did you manage to forgive yourself? I think my problem is that I truly don't believe in myself. I don't come from a place of confidence.

@Unbridezilla no. I mostly muddle along but it's there in the background. I'd love to find some ways of dealing with it.

Talk to your doctor. Most areas have self-referral for talking therapies (Google iapt and your local area) which can be online, group or whatever. Medicines can also help - sertraline (an SSRI) is very popular, personally I prefer propranolol that I only take when the anxiety is really bad, as I try to manage it myself most of the time. (And I think I build up a tolerance to propranolol so again, try to minimise its use so it works when I need it to)

I know it's a bit of a cliche, but genuinely bad parents don't feel this guilt. Because they don't care.

You obviously care and you have done and are doing your best. Teenagers can be hard work; it doesn't mean you have parented them wrong.

Please get some help with your anxiety. It's no good saying you'd love to find ways of dealing with it - you need to let go of the idea that you'll be able to sort it out on your own. You sound like a smart and resourceful person: if it was possible to fix this yourself, you'd absolutely have found a way to do it by now. Nobody does this on their own. Honestly.

It's tempting to think that guilt has a helpful purpose - that it atones for something, or drives you toward being a better person, or helps other people recognise our good intentions. It doesn't. It's corrosive. Our kids can feel it - and they feel shame for triggering our guilt and anxiety. They feel bad that they can't help us to feel more competent or assured as parents. They feel that nothing they can do is good enough to make us feel OK. And they resent us, because they don't want the suffocating burden of our own projected guilt, and that's part of the aggression you're seeing from your teens, I'd imagine.

You need to take action, to find more compassionate and constructive ways to relate to yourself and to others, and this means taking the brave step of letting trained and understanding professionals see how you are struggling, so that they can help you.

Nobody does this alone. You are not alone in feeling this way. Try to open yourself up to the possibility of support and compassion.

I did an awful lot of work.

I’ve spent just over three years completing parenting courses, attending online seminars and listening to hundreds, possible even over a thousand hours of psychology based podcasts. All while I do Housework or in my downtime. I have an excellent understanding of myself and others and have learned some extremely useful parenting techniques along the way that help me when the going gets tough - and it often does.

I think this has also given me more empathy to others who are struggling. I tend not to label people ‘bad parents’. I also don’t attribute those labels to myself. You’ll see a lot of mum shaming on MumsNet. I’m not sure why. I absolutely convinced that those who are kicking others are not free of sin themselves.

so my advice is start doing the work. Once you get more informed you’ll find you’ll be kinder to yourself, and others.

@Bunnyhair I can't disagree with you at all. I have tried to get talking therapy but was told the waiting list was 18 months. Low cost counseling is £25 per session which is a lot but I'm considering giving it a go. I'm a bit scared I'll pay all that money and won't feel better.

@RudsyFarmer do you have any podcast recommendations?