How to deal with mood hoover martyrs

[itsgettingweird]

As the title says really.

How do you manage people who like to complain and suck your energy about how hard something is for them (something they chose to do), how much they have to do etc.

But yet - also go on and on about how good they are at what they do, how they stood up and spoke out against someone. How everyone loves them for doing it.

That then play alpha god and make sure they push everyone who wants to help away making them feel like 2 year olds and interfering for offering to help (even though it's a volunteer role others are willing to share)

And then expect everyone to listen to how put on they are a week later?!

I'd love some stock phrases that are firm but polite to stop the mood hoovering in its tracks because this person clearly has no intentions of accepting the readily available help but rather seeking validation through martyrdom.

Oh I have one of these

If they're not going on about how fat and unfit they are and don't have any clothes that fit (too busy, too shy, not organised enough to find time to shop and cook healthy or exercise, refuses to buy bigger clothes);

They're moaning about how everyone in work hates them, can't wait to leave (too busy, too shy, too good at their job to try integrate and/or look for another job)

They're moaning about how much life admin and housework they have to do but absolutely won't allow partner, adult kids or wider family to do anything to help as it won't be done right.

Moaning about how many health problems they have to put up with but refuses to go to GP, follow up appts, blood tests etc

Moaning about how broke they are but refuses to work full time, has had whole house renovated (ongoing like the Forth Bridge) for years and still not happy

Moaning about they never do anything fun because they are too fat, too busy, too skint, has no friends - but are just about to go on 3rd of 5 weekends away, have two holidays abroad booked for this year and has been out practically every weekend since Xmas.

Moaning about nobody liking her or having no proper friends but can't remember last i heard them say anything nice about any of their friends (she has many) or their children, how they look, what jobs they do, how they all boast about what money and adventures they have whilst moaning about about what little money or adventures they have (they truly are not aware of the irony, contradictory two-facedness of it all).

Is absolutely tone deaf to anyone with actual problems and if anyone dare hint they're having a tough time themselves, the conversation automatically reverts back to them because they are the most important person in everyone's universe and no-one could possibly be worse off or they say something like 'oh, you shouldn't have told me that. Just another thing for me to worry about..'

It's exhausting. It's depressing. It's rude, arrogant and narcissistic. I don't know how many people over the years who've acknowledged they try give them a wide berth, avoiding social occasions and family celebrations purely because they can't stand who they are, what they stand for and how they treats other people. Totally fucking oblivious. If I could go extreme LC, I would but circumstances at the moment don't allow...but one day, definitely

I went NC with a former friend for exactly the reasons you've stated above.

Current situation I'm thinking about is sort of PTA type situation.

So someone helping with an organisation and lots of people want and offer to volunteer.

So it's all "I have soooooo much to do".

"We'll help"

Stone cold silence or sometimes asked to sign up for jobs.

Then when signed up will state in front of others

"I'll do X on Yday". Just like that so if you say anything you end up looking like the bad person trying to exclude them.

Yet last week they didn't want to help because their child wasn't going (fair enough).

And then all we hear about is how much she did to help and the company that we've helped go on about how much she does and how we need more people to volunteer.

It's bloody infuriating because we all do offer and try to help but it isn't wanted unless it's to play a violin about how no one helps!!!

Is she in charge of PTA? I'm not familiar with the hierarchy in such a setting, sorry.

I'd get together with other members and just start organising stuff without her, if possible. Or have an intervention if you have sufficient backup.

Not pta.

But it's that's sort of set up within a child's club.

So none of us are actually in charge and we sign up when the club organisers ask us too.

She's just taken on a role of being in charge (and tbf does do a lot to help) but it's the constant moaning about how much when it's not necessary to do all that as we'd help.

Annoying thing is as a person I absolutely love her. We get on great as friends and I think that's why I get so much of the moaning. But I just want a way to gently point out her moaning zaps my energy when she could solve the problem by relinquishing some control

Drama llamas.

Ignore them. It's all about them. Borderline narcissistic, will always bring the convo back to them.

Someone said to me once 'watch who sets the mood.' Since then I've been able to spot this type of character.