Had enough

[hadenoughforever]

Pretty much like my Username, had enough of struggling, always treated as a non person, hate being deaf. I’m mid 50s, on medication. Know there are people in worst situations. But don’t want to see another day.
I know this will trigger the Mumsnet blue post.
I am in mental pain that doesn’t go, worthless, family make it very clear they can do without me.
I wish I go via Dignitas, this isn’t a one off thought, wanting to finish my days off many times before this.

What type of medication are you on? Have you updates your gp on how youre feeling?
are you in counselling or therapy of some sort?
if your family is a but crap, are you building friendships?

Honestly too much too much medication to list.
I don’t have friends; tried my best over years but speech impairment so people tend to shy away from me. This is a knock on effect of being deaf.
Been under Mental Health services before Pandemic but waiting still now. Truly though it’s so bloody pointless. I’m crying my eyes out now. No contact w kids unless I initiate it. I won’t be missed.

And I’m grossly overweight and feel repulsive. Tried so many ways to lose weight but I’m a big disgusting heifer. I need gastric sleeve or bypass. I could in theory pay for this but what’s the point? I can’t stop being deaf and worst still deaf sounding speech that seems in my long life experience to repel or make people react differently to than they would fellow hearing person.
I’m desperate and want out

Oh sweetheart that sounds so tough. I'm no expert or therapist - but can you tell us about 1 or 2 positive things in your life? Family? Hobbies?

So sorry you feel this way - hope this video helps xx

Thank you for taking time to respond and @beliveinlifeafterlove too but family life is non existent (eg no acknowledgement on Mother’s Day). Very outing but have ds in residential care and the care system is broken. Not fault of theirs but he is even grossly more overweight than I am. Difference is that I know what foods and quantities are right, he’s just fed rubbish and no matter how times I have raised it, nothing changes. His breakfast is chocolate mousse, chocolate buttons, chocolate milkshake, coco pops. Lunch: pork pie, cocktail sausages, Pepperami, hummus, couple of Richmond regular sausages. Tea: curry or spaghetti bol with garlic bread etc. He’s going to have a stroke or heart attack further down the line. Selfishly, I cannot deal w this anymore. Been promised changes for him and nothing ever happens. I feel guilty for putting him in care. Every day I feel guilty. But I want to die. It’s all too much. I am searching ways to die

Hi @hadenoughforever
Sorry to hear you are feeling so low.
It sounds like you've got a lot to deal with.

Are you able to visit your son?
As the weather is starting to get better (although raining here at the moment!) I wondered if the two of you could go for walks together?

It does sound as if the staff where he lives could do better with the food he eats. Does he have absolute choice about what he eats?

Have you thought about joining a deaf social group or an online group?
I can understand the difficulty and hurt for you when people are reluctant to communicate with you.

Otherwise keep talking to us on here.

Hello OP.
I’m so sad to hear you’re feeling so desperate. I learned the other day about the mental health crisis line:

Nhs 111 option 2 mental health crisis line for adults facing a mental health crisis. Access to care 7 days a week and 24 hours a day.

Give them a call.

I’m the same age as you, shite health and had a crisis yesterday- am holding your hand.

Truly thanks to those cog you who took time to write. Made me cry.
Not allowed to take ds off residential care unit as he gets out and screams and wants to come home with me
@LemonDrizzle10
Due to deafness don’t think I can access MH helpline.

I’m in my fifties and my entire life has been a mess. What’s the point.

I’m so sorry I posted that info and you can’t use it. I feel awful about that.
There must be an online chat facility for something, I’ll have a look now.

I am completely hearing what you are saying about your life. It won’t always be like this. There are better times ahead.
You need some help right now, it’s good that you’ve reached out on here.
There are amazing people on here - together we will help you.

This is the point - "Not allowed to take ds off residential care unit as he gets out and screams and wants to come home with me".

He wants to come home with you. He loves you.
Don't do anything to make everything worse, take a breath, there's a way to move slowly towards a life you can enjoy and ultimately love. A life with your son.

Call those numbers above.

It might take a long time but imagine a future where your deafness is managed better, your weight has come down so you can move better, your son is also with you and his weight is down and together you move forward.

Also don't think of all the bad things, all people over a certain age struggle to find friends, it's just difficult for everyone. You can find friends online for the moment where you can not feel self conscious of your speech.

Take very small steps everyday towards peace, just a nice cuppa, a letter to your son, some stretching and a walk.

Go for a walk everyday. Spring is coming, your son is alive, move forward slowly.

Keep talking here. Many of us have thought the same thing you do today.

111.nhs.uk is the 111 service online

What about contacting these people as well. It's to support deaf people.
They understand you can't necessarily speak over the phone, you can text them.

rnid.org.uk/about-us/contact-rnid/

Tell them you are feeling low and are struggling, ask for help.

Try and be kind to yourself, you already reached out here. That was good, that was something brave.

She's deaf - how can she call them!?

How can she make telephone calls?!? She is deaf.

No, this one she can text.

rnid.org.uk/about-us/contact-rnid/

Also here, this charity has set up a crisis line for deaf people. No need to speak, can text or email everything

signhealth.org.uk

OP you are dealing with so much but your son loves and needs you. He doesn’t need you to be perfect but he needs YOU. You have had some good advice here, ideas to find sources of help. Re Mother’s Day - strike that problem from your list, my dd adores me and she forgot (I told her I was very upset about that).

Pick one small thing you could do today to make yourself feel better and take a step in the right direction and then come back and tell us.

Here OP
From the Sign Health website -

Contact our therapy team
Text 07984 439473
[email protected]
Call 07966 976747
OR
If you need urgent support, there is a free text service for Deaf people experiencing a mental health crisis.
Text DEAF to 85258

I am comforted by the fact that euthanasia in Switzerland is an option so I understand why your mind would go there. I’ve also battled with obesity and the self loathing that comes with living with it day in day out. It’s the cycle of feeling like a failure and the self loathing that keeps me in the ’I can just end it all mindset’. Also, I am an ex HCW so death is inevitable and rationally I don’t see the point in suffering on. However, like you I have children. I don’t really have any advice other than I just live day to day. I understand your mindset and you are justified the world is a cruel and judge-mental place for those with obesity and disabilities. All I can say is you are a brave and strong person for battling on everyday this far and your DC needs you.

@hadenoughforever how are you doing?
Hope you’ve had a cuppa.

Thinking of you, @hadenoughforever and wishing there was something I could do to help you. From my own experience, what helped me was to be told by my therapist that I WOULD feel better. He gave me hope. And he was right; it took courage and patience but I found my way out of the absolute despair I felt. Please reach out to a qualified professional and talk to them before you make any decisions. ❤️

Agree with PP about striking mother's day off your list of worries. I love my mum dearly, and in the past have forgotten mother's day (sorry mum). Especially when I was in my twenties - I was self-absorbed and wrapped up with my own life at that stage.

Hi, I am just here to here to say hi.
I really hope you can reach out and find some help nearby? I wish I was nearby, and we could go and get a coffee. I'm sorry it is so hard. You do matter x

Hello OP, we are really sorry to read you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].

We see that you are getting some wonderful support from other Mumsnetters which is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters. But as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

If there is anything else we can do to help please let us know. Wishing you the very best.

MNHQ💐🌸🏵