How do you get rid of resentments?

[tonystarksrighthand]

I'm 46. I've had trauma in my childhood and adulthood. I've had long periods of therapy, 6 - 12 months at a time.

But I am still so resentful. I am so angry, so fucking angry and I don't think any amount of forgiveness is ever going to help me. Why does it bother me so, so much? It rules my head, my life, and clearly my future and I'm riddled with uncontrollable anxiety.

I'm so mortified by another anger outburst by me today, I'm appalling. Whilst most people agree I have every right to feel the way I do, it doesn't change the situation. It doesn't change my resentments, my anger and frustration. Those family members won't change. They see nothing wrong. They will not change. It's just ME that continues to get upset, hurt and angry.

How do I let go? How?

My rage today was unacceptable and I have apologised for my anger and outburst. But I'm not sorry for feeling like I do.

How do I stop feeling like this?

Happy Easter

I'm sorry you feel this way op.
Did the therapy help at all?
Maybe you should continue?
Prioritise you. And calm. Nurture yourself. That's just my thoughts.
Focus on the good and the positives.
They are just thoughts. You can eventually be more in control of them.
🤗

You can only change you and how you react. You can't change these toxic people.
Surround yourself with good people. Let them in.

What was the anger about? Who was at the receiving end of it?

I understand the feeling of constant anger and resentment at childhood trauma, but it’s not fair to take it out on people who I’m guessing have nothing to do with it.

you have recognised you do this. Your feelings are valid, but you do have control over these outbursts.

next time you think you might have an outburst, you should removed yourself from the situation.

I don’t do forgiveness, I just go for acceptance.

Then I write everything out in bullet point form, chronological order of events, keep adjusting it an adding to it as my thoughts flow.

I come back periodically and add/adjust.
Also get lots of insightful thoughts from others here on MN that help with my own problem solving

Then just let it go, knowing it’s here, hidden on the ipad - and I don’t need to think about it.

Sorry OP. It's hard to know how to advise you without knowing the details of your trauma or about what triggered you today.
Please be kind to yourself though. You are not appalling. You are stuck in a pattern through no fault of your own. What did you learn in therapy? Did it help?

Forgiveness is not about setting them free. It's about setting you free. Holding on to the anger on situations that you cannot change is like holding a piece of hot coal in your hand. It's gonna burn! Throw it!

You cannot control the actions of others. You are only responsible for your own actions. You cannot control the situation but you can control your response to it. Try and distance yourself away from these people. The best revenge is showing them you live a peaceful life and are doing just fine without them. Like someone has mentioned acceptance. Accept, you don't have to agree or disagree, just accept. You cannot change the past and it's not easy to live with past trauma. It will always be there but try and find a way to be able to live with it. Don't let it define you. When you feel anger try and walk away and pause before reacting. I am not saying it is easy. I have to work on all the above on a daily basis to keep me sane! x

More therapy. You need to stick it out for longer - and you'll find every reason why not to, the closer you get to the core of your anger.

I don't think we get rid of resentment. Resentment leaves us when we're ready. It's a bit like forgiveness: we can't force it; it happens as a by-product of working through the anger rather than avoiding it.

Thank you for the kind words.

Childhood Trauma - alcoholic parent, neglect as parent "unavailable" .. carried right through to my 30's. DM now coming up 14 years sober.

DB - an active crack, meth and heroin IV addict for 18 years, several stints in rehab paid for by my DF. The last stint, 6 years ago, DB clean and sober just over 6 years.

In that 18 years my "well" family would pray everyday that they wouldn't be found dead. Thankfully, today they are sober and clean. But the chaos, carnage and fucking down right hideousness of active addiction is soul destroying and no one "checks in" on other family members who are suffering just as much, but in silent pain. They have to pick up the pieces, the hospital visits, the near death experiences. It never ends. Even when they are in recovery the daily "threat" of a relapse is always there. It's like treading on eggshells.

Todays trigger was my DB over for lunch and as usual he doesn't lift a finger, is chauvinistic, moans about everything, nothing is good enough, has a go at me for not having the right food, tea bags (he has cross addiction with food now orthorexia) but never thinks to bring his own after I've spent my money and hours in the kitchen cooking. He watched me struggle with a few physical things and not once offers to help. Has never offered to help.

The problem with this, is it happens every time and the resentment builds and builds until I can't take it. Nothing is good enough for him, I'm not allowed an opinion, it's my sons fault for everything even thou DB's son has started the entire bickering between them. The list is endless.

My point is. Whilst I am grateful he is clean, I am grateful he is well. I am sick to death of everything still being about him, poor him ... we need to tread careful as you know he might relapse, just accept him, it's the way he is.

To add ... SIL tragically took her own life in the last six years too. She had shared with my DM that she couldn't take DB's "problems and illness" anymore it was making her life hell. I mean he won't even eat a raisin as it contains sugar.

I don't know now where I am going with this because I actually sound like a fucking lunatic myself for sounding so horrible.

I should just be grateful - maybe that's the answer.

I'd recommend al anon. They have a 12 step program and one of the steps is getting rid of resentments. It's very effective. It'll also give you coping mechanisms for dealing with day to day life and people that understand you to connect with. Sorry that you have been through so much.

I'm not sure what you should be grateful for here. Do you actually want these people in your life? It's OK to love them from afar and recognise that having them in your life now is keeping you stuck. I feel just as much empathy for your brother as you; he was failed too and is holding onto pain in a different way to you, but is hurt just the same.

Sorry me again. Your families recovery is their recovery and their responsibility. They cannot hold anyone to ransom nor should people tiptoe around them in fear of their potential relapse. Should they relapse then it is not the anyone's fault. The world is not going to adapt to meet their requirements to keep sober/clean.

What about your needs and your feelings? It is not just the addict that is ill. It is a family illness in that it affects the whole family. You are not responsible in any way for their wellbeing. That is their responsibility. Maybe detach with love for now and concentrate on you, your feelings and your recovery from the trauma you have to endure. You can't save others from drowning if you are crying out for a life jacket yourself. Concentrate on you for now. x

Do you need to have him in your life? He sounds awful. And yes, even though he's had problems- he can still be awful and you don't owe him anything, surely. Can you put yourself first now?

He does sound awful

Your brother sounds like a proper pain in the arse. I think you would do well to limit your interactions with him.
Your rage built up and exploded I am guessing because you were being nice and putting up with him and you don't call him out, perhaps because of the ever present threat of relapse like you say - you are used to treading on eggshells until you can take it no longer. Could it help to call him out calmly and assertively, earlier on in the day before your anger gets out of control?

Thank you again for the kind words and wisdom.

If I calmly set the day before he even arrives I just get trodden down and told I don't understand the pressure he is under, how difficult his child is, how difficult his life is etc he's still in grief, multiple allergies, multiple food issues, his nervous system needs calming, he is stressed, endless list.

Do I want him in my life? No I don't, not really, but DF says "he's family, he's your DB, you should accept him, he is a widow, he needs help" I need to be firmer with this and when he asks to come round I say I am busy or we have other people over / I am out or away.

Just a terrible day yesterday, I made a mistake and I can't put myself in that situation again, he will not change. But surely I can stop him coming in my house. For context I am a single parent, father has never been around.

I wouldn't normally advocate this but I am no contact with mine, and life is markedly lacking resentment now.

Just read your update. Apologies - I thought you were worried about venting your anger on people unrelated to the initial trauma. 🤦‍♀️

you really need to give yourself a break here. You have been an amazing sister/ daughter, and lots of people in your shoes would’ve cut them off years ago.

i think the best option is to distance yourself from your brother’s drama. ( easier said than done, I know!)

Your DF is wrong. It’s taken me a long time to realise that don’t need to take endless shit from people just because they are family. You wouldn’t be friends with someone who treated you like that.

I have a family member who I love dearly, but keep at a distance because of their behaviour. I’ve found it to be hugely helpful to disengage. I haven’t cut them off completely, I talk to them when our paths cross, but I don’t go out of my way to support them/ engage.

Thank you @Newyearnewhome .... that makes so much sense. You're very kind.

Thank you all for the wisdom. Now I need to put this into practice.

@Pinkjacket22 I'm familiar with the 12 steps, of AA and Al Anon. But I don't work on it enough so maybe time to revisit and get MYSELF well.

Have a great bank holiday all.

How the fuck do you not physically pick him up and throw him out of the door locking it behind him?????

You are a fucking saint!
Honestly. You put up with 100% more shot from one person than I would.

But then I’m a hard faced bitter person, I’ve not a shred of goodwill towards my relative like this.
Therefore I have a total intolerance.

It’s not my job, let them that have made it their job to preserve an impossible persons feelings.

Step away. Why keep exposing yourself to the fire that burns?

You are a saint my friend.

I'd go to either al-anon or aca www.adultchildrenofalcoholics.co.uk
I think you have already been doing the processing work that aca is based on but perhaps what you are missing is the self parenting in terms of honouring your feelings and nurturing and protecting yourself.

You don't have to put up with his entitled behaviour or 'do your family duty' as per your df's thoughts on it.

It's so hard to let go of the sense of responsibility isn't it, in that you need to nurture.
I've realised my need to nurture is because noone really nurtured me.

Now I've realised in my 50s, over time that I MUST nurture myself, which is bloody hard. It's hard to think of yourself as someone who deserves and needs nurturing and that it's ok.

I was taught nurturing is needy.

Fuck that shit.

I try to remind myself. Single mum here too no input from the father.

Don't invite leech brother again op.

Xxx

Yes I'm with the majority here too.

You are not wrong to feel the way you do. If the problem person is still coming round, then you're still at risk.

The selfishness, the disruption, the unrecognized past. It would piss most people off.

I'd recommend bullshitting for a bit, not seeing them, making excuses. Let some time go by.

And regarding your trauma from being around them, I'd say, write it out in a journal, have it all out. I think that our pain deserves respect and to be heard. So no new additions to the pain, keeping yourself safe, and tending to the past.

You're not in the wrong x

I’m tempted to say that you’re actually not angry enough here. Because you’re still in that phase where your family as gaslighting you into believing that you are the problem and that you need to be grateful for having to put up with this crap.

So what happens is that you are bottling things up, internalising things and feeling ashamed. Then, when you’re faced with more poor treatment, you end up exploding.

Instead, maybe let yourself be angry and to be angry with your family. Stop blaming yourself and seeing it as a you problem. Blame them and use the anger and resentment to set clear, healthy boundaries for yourself. Use the anger to say: I will no longer put up with this. If you want to come to my home or spend time with me, you will treat me with basic respect.

Let go of the fear of being seen as a difficult, angry person here and feeling the need to people please/blame yourself for feeling resentful and angry. It’s OK to be angry when you’re treated this way.

The thing about using your anger productively in this way is that, once you’ve set your boundaries and made it clear to the people around you that you won’t take their shit any longer, you no longer find yourself in situations where you explode as you’ve been doing. By avoiding the toxic situations that supposed trigger your ‘anger issues’ (which are actually manifestations of trauma that your family continue to exacerbate, rather than ‘anger issues’), you may well find that you simply don’t feel as angry or resentful any longer. Feeling in control of your own life makes a huge difference.

Look you’ve had an horrific childhood, it must have been absolutely traumatic watching your family behave the way they did and now they are expecting you to carry on being the “good girl”. Well Fuck That! You have to put yourself and your child first.

My Dh was in a very similar situation, he’s had therapy but still felt very angry towards his parents and brother. Despite the abuse he received from them all, DH is expected to run around after them all (all now in ill health). He really wants to go non contact but felt he just couldn’t live with himself so he now really restricts how long he is in their company and also says No more often when they ask him to do things. So no more invites to our house for his brother and no more eating meals together for his parents. Dh drops in to their house (they all live together) when he feels he can cope, has a cup of tea and a chat and leaves within an hour and he feels very much in control.

The only way you will survive this is to step back and either go non contact or see them on your terms. You must protect your own mental health for the sake of you and your Dc.

@Identifyingasadolphin I love this "I don't do forgiveness, I just go for acceptance".

OP I suffered a lot of childhood trauma, which likewise spilled over into my adult life leaving me angry and resentful. I won't forgive my parents and family, but I accept they are inept,cruel, dysfunctional and worthless. That's their issue which I've removed myself from.