I am 40 now and despite years of therapy, meds, counselling etc I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. My whole life. I also developed huge OCD in my early 20's and am just about functioning but despite meds, counselling, behaviour therapy, I just cant get it under control.
I remember crying into a mirror when I was about 7 years old to my Dad and telling him how ugly I was. I struggled with friendships and never used to think anyone liked me. I remember turning down invitations to parties because I thought no one liked me.
I have always had this thing about no one liking me and even to this day, I don't know why people would bother with me socially. So I avoid social things and just spend time with people during my working hours.
I repeat patterns in my life and not happy ones. I have had three long term (5-7 years) relationships. Each relationship has followed the exact same pattern, meet, end up moving in together, end up with no money, have huge credit card and loan debt, have no money to actually live a life together, ie holidays, date nights. (I have been scrapping the barrel for money my whole life) and then, eventually, the relationship falls apart, because who can live like that? I am in relationship 3 now and can see it going in the exact same way as the other two went.
I just don't understand this. Of course things in life bring me some happiness but overall, it is fleeting and I am perpetually down. I put on a front of being happy but thats all it is and its hard work.
I feel like, I am floored, mentally, genetically, whatever it may be and that I'm just waiting to get off this roundabout of life and see what comes next. I look at the news and see people who have passed away at young ages such as 46 and think maybe I don't have much longer to endure this pain. I know this is a terrible way to think, but I cant imagine having to go on like this for maybe another 40 years.