How do I help (or maybe don’t help) my friend

[Ballyandup]

She is a dear friend of many years. Her bastard of a husband was caught having an affair around 12 months ago. She stayed with him, her choice, I personally would not have, it wasn’t a small affair (nearly 2 years)

Regardless I supported her with whatever she wanted to do.

Here is where I’m struggling, her and her DH seem to be back to normal, they’re in therapy still but seem fine together from what she says. However…she is obsessed, and I mean obsessed with the other woman. Every time I see her, we talk about her, the conversation somehow comes back to her, she messages me about her, a film or programme or meme will bring her back up. I’m struggling with the way she talks about her, I don’t think I’m comfortable with any woman being described as a “cumrag” (sorry I know it’s gross). She’s stalking her socials, even to the point of knowing she had a new car (slightly worried she might be real life stalking her)

I don’t know how to help her; she is so full of anger and spite towards her which is completely understandable but it’s unpleasant to listen to especially when her DH seems to be off Scot free

Maybe you just need to be quite blunt about it and say you don’t want to hear about it anymore, it might upset her but also if she’s not got someone to slag this woman off to then maybe shel be slightly discouraged. Currently she can snoop on this woman’s life and then report back to you, if you take that away it may seem more pointless to her. If she takes real offence about you saying something then maybe itl do you a favour as it’s easier to step away from her.

I was in a similar situation years ago with a friend/co-worker. While she "forgave" her partner remarkably quickly (🙄) her hatred of the OW was so all-consuming and obsessive that it was actually frightening!

I finally had enough and told her that it's unreasonable to put all the blame on the OW when her partner was the one betraying her. In her rush to reconcile it seems like she transferred the anger that should have been directed towards her partner to the OW.

Your friend needs to see a therapist on her own (not just marriage counseling) to deal with her anger, obsession and cyber stalking. You are going to have to take a hardline approach about not discussing the OW any longer. But don't be surprised if the friendship cools; until your friend comes to terms with her husband's role in this she's going to continue to rage about the OW as a coping mechanism.

Yes this is exactly what has happened - no rage to him, all towards the OW. Being fueled by a message board she’s joined ostensibly about dealing with betrayal but is solely directed towards the anger for OWs

I would not sit back and allow this type of conversation to go on. I'd be very blunt with her that her behaviour is totally out of control, and it's ridiculous that she's aiming her rage at this woman when it's her husband she should be angry with.

I would also tell her that if she refuses to stop banging on about her, our friendship will have to end.

She needs professional help. She sounds unhinged.

For your own sanity you are going to have to shut down all discussion about the OW. The obsessive social media/cyber stalking? That will escalate to real life stalking (perhaps already has). You're trying to be a supportive friend but she needs to help herself at this point.

I have an older relative that is still raging against the woman who "stole" her husband...30 years ago!!! She's in her 70's now. What a terrible waste of a life.

I think every single time she brought the OW up I'd change the topic of discussion. I'd just refuse to engage.

I think you just tell her

"I don't want to hear any more about TOW. It's not healthy for you to keep obsessing about her so I'm not going to enable it. You can't stop doing it so I'm doing it for you because you're my friend and I love you.

From now on, whenever you and I are together, we're in a TOW=free zone. "

Sounds like she is blaming the wrong person, until she acknowledges this fact u won’t be able to help her.

Sounds like this message board is a bit of an echo chamber and is actively fuelling it. Sounds like it's a place for people to desperately pile the blame on OW to enable them to justify staying with their cheating husbands.

I would think you would have to be pretty blunt to compete with that. And she most likely will not want to hear it.

I agree it probably needs to be said though. For your sake, as you don't want to hear it, and for hers because she can't keep on that way.

Something like "Enough. This message board isn't doing you any favours. This woman didn't betray you, your husband did. How you want to move on from that is up to you but this is obsessive and unhealthy and it needs to stop."

I wouldnt be so blunt as to just shut her down right away. I think I would come at it from the angle that it's really unhealthy for her to be obsessing about TOW like this and you think maybe she still has some unresolved issues about the affair and needs to get some individual counselling to help her deal with that. If she doesn't listen then I might tell her you have told her how you feel about this and now don't want to discuss OW any more.

She is processing her pain. She is transferring her anger to the third party so she doesn’t have to feel angry with her husband. You could gently try to point tgat out.

at a very subconscious level she is trying to work out why she wasn’t good enough, and what the other woman had that made her husband betray her. That’s not how men’s dicks work but she doesn’t know this.

Tell her you have been reading about the effects of holding anger against another person for a prolonged time and how detrimental it is to mental health, that you need to ask her to speak to a counsellor about it and you feel that you need to start closing down the conversation about this OW because it has taken over your relationship with your friend and that is making you sad.