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Original poster

Where am I going wrong? Days out with DC

22 replies

Fedupmumateaster · 09/04/2023 11:56

I am in a pattern with my kids where any time we go out or do anything the day starts off really negatively, lack of enthusiasm, bickering or objecting to the plan etc. I try keep it cheerful until I get fed up and cross and tell them off. We draw a line under and try again.

I'm fed up with this pattern. It's not the same going out after arguing.

Today we had a plan for a walk with a picnic lunch. One child really likes it, the other not keen but always enjoys it once we go. We haven't been for a walk in months. They've done things they do enjoy past week (town/shops/cinema/swimming on different days) as well as a couple of pyjama gaming days.

Usual arguing/rudeness. Then oh let's start again... Am I unreasonable to not start again, just stay home. Is going out now following an unhealthy pattern where no one ever changes how they behave?

OP posts:

Original poster

Fedupmumateaster · 09/04/2023 11:57

They are 10 and 13.

OP posts:

tiredhadenough · 09/04/2023 11:59

Do you organise everything or ask for ideas? Maybe have a sit down and write on paper different activities then pull one out so the non walker is happy that their one will come out later?

Redebs · 09/04/2023 11:59

It sounds so normal, I'm afraid. The whole getting ready to go out thing gets most kids grumpy.
Have you tried getting everything ready without telling them until the last minute - 'do a wee and get your shoes on; we're going out in two minutes from now'

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Seeline · 09/04/2023 12:00

Hmm - 13 you are getting to that awkward age when they prefer being on their own/with their friends rather than doing stuff as a family.
If it's them that doesn't want to join in, I'd do what was planned with younger one and leave the older one at home.

Seeline · 09/04/2023 12:01

Also teens work on a different time scale. Days out worked better when I just accepted that breakfast was at 10 and if we were lucky we might leave the house by midday.

Teeheehee1579 · 09/04/2023 12:03

I agree with the announcing at last minute. I would most definitely not be leaving my 13 year old at home to presumably just sit on a device - they don’t get to do as they please - they can join in with family stuff. I didn’t want to go on days out when I was 13 but look back with fond memories.

Teeheehee1579 · 09/04/2023 12:04

Also they can bloomin we’ll get ready when they need to be ready - the household should not revolve around a teenagers ideal timings. What on earth is that teaching them?!

Original poster

Fedupmumateaster · 09/04/2023 12:06

No I don't pick activities. I also said after walk we can chill out with a film and takeaway pizza for tea. So both kids thought about.

They didn't even have to get going early. Easter eggs and sitting around first to go at 11.

Might be a point re the 13 year old although on this occasion it was the younger one who was awkward. He makes a fuss of he isn't doing exactly what he chooses. Even though the walk was his choice he didn't want to go until later.

The 13 year old doesn't like the walk but he does very little physical activity and would only be for a few hours.

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LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 09/04/2023 12:06

I don't think it's worth forcing the 13 year old to come out unless it's something they want to do. It's that age!

SorePaw · 09/04/2023 12:09

@Fedupmumateaster

is it only on 'walk & picnic' type days or would they be the same on 'drive & theme park days'?

suggestions will depend on your answer

However, DO NOT 'give up'. Some of my best childhood memories are of just those days. Something that took a bit of effort, a bit of exercise & a picnic!

much more so than days out at theme parks with a bought lunch.

even though parental interaction was about the same if both types of days (Dad always joined in/made it fun & mum always sorted things out & enjoyed watching. I'm a 70's child and my mum loved those days too)

just do your best to ignore the pre day out behaviour, especially if it's the worst. It's just 'not cool' to be enthusiastic about a walk & picnic with the family...(but as you know, they enjoy it once you get going).

it's hard when you resent their pre trip behaviour, to really 'let it go' but try reminding yourself they just oversize toddlers.

Mrsjayy · 09/04/2023 12:12

I don't really agree with giving 13 year olds an opt out of family things I used to just jolly mine along or let them sulk but they can't get everything their own way imo. I'd just go and front it out if they fight ignore them and if one wants your backing tell them both off !

Original poster

Fedupmumateaster · 09/04/2023 12:14

I think it's most days out.

13 year old was a bit annoyed because I "sprung it on him". But if I had told him the plan he would have moaned until we left. He did actually laugh at himself when I pointed that out.

Enthusiasm would be nice but maybe if I wasn't a single parent I wouldn't be depending on DC for enthusiasm. Maybe the effort to get things going is normal.

it's hard when you resent their pre trip behaviour, to really 'let it go' but try reminding yourself they just oversize toddlers.
Thank you for this! Actually I feel like an overgrown toddler at the moment!

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Cherryana · 09/04/2023 12:23

This is my usual start to family activities and my children are 9 and 12. My oldest has always had a negative first reaction to any new suggestion and so what I do now is ‘bite size it down’ - eg: we are just going for an hour and if you don’t like it we will come home (invariably they always like it when they are out).

I too hate the negativity and resent it - I genuinely feel the ‘don’t you know how lucky you are - we would never have got x,y,z’…which makes me even madder, but they don’t as it’s normal for them.

tiredhadenough · 09/04/2023 12:27

We have things on the calendar so they know what is happening. That helps too. I also find if we go out with friends that makes things which may not be as interesting better!!!

Mrsjayy · 09/04/2023 12:28

I meant to say, you are not doing anything wrong I think most kids especially teenagers can be like this.

Seeline · 09/04/2023 12:51

Mrsjayy · 09/04/2023 12:12

I don't think you should let them out out every time, but I don't think it hurts sometimes. They need time on their own. It teaches them that their views and wishes are important too.

lljkk · 09/04/2023 13:06

I totally don't have energy to force mine on outings. Bribe, cajole, reward, yes, but if they are just going to sulk in spite of those options, they can stay at home with my blessing. How can "family time" be good quality if one of you is a grumpy git.

vivaespanaole · 09/04/2023 13:44

Sounds like my life yesterday. I find as they get older when we are in the house we are all sort of separate apart from meal times. So I like to go out once at least at the weekend so that we actually feel 'together'. I lost my shit yesterday and ended up in tears. I was so fed up of the negativity towards every suggestion, the fact, that a walk is again their human rights, the constant corralling and cajoling that it just broke me.

One of mine is 13 and it is a tricky age. Not quite old enough to always be with friends but too old for a lot of family activities. I also think I have lost my confidence with making suggestions because of this and feel really lost.

You are not alone!

Original poster

Fedupmumateaster · 09/04/2023 13:58

Sorry and glad others have similar experience. I'm fed up, going to read and drink tea and leave them to their own devices. The whole break has been like this - fun seems to happen with their dad. (Who isn't even a Disney dad, just a good dad with more money.)

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MargaretThursday · 09/04/2023 14:35

I think that is the stage you want to be giving them input and letting them stay at home. If you force it on them they're going to be resentful and not in a mood that's going to make it pleasant.
I hate going for walks and packed lunches and a lot is down to the fact that my parents always thought trying to jolly/force me into going was best. It wasn't. And I've also discovered in adulthood that I had a reason why walking on uneven ground was causing me pain, which my parents thought that was just me trying to get out of it. They do feel guilty about that though.
If they'd let me decide what to do I suspect I'd have missed a few but then would have started going-and I'd have enjoyed it far more for not feeling forced into it.

Things that I learnt from my family:

Talk with them what they want to do. With 3 of quite different ages, it was quite unusual to have something they were all very enthusiastic about. So that means you're looking for a compromise. Luckily for me, two were good at compromising and the third fairly easy to keep onside with a quiet word.
Agree with them what you're doing and keep to your agreements. If you say you're going out for an hour, but after 3 hours say "oh it was all so nice I thought we'd head over to X which is only another hour away" (I quote directly from one outing we had when I was their age) then they are going to feel annoyed.
It's actually quite nice for both to do separate days. So if one really doesn't want to come to one, take the other and plan a different day with them. Having days alone with each is wonderful time.
Bribery is great! I'm not talking about huge amounts, but "we'll get an ice cream" or "tomorrow we'll do X" is something that mine responded to. Picking blackberries was one that meant they'd come out happily.
I used to plan three days, one for each of their preferences, but the agreement was they came to their siblings ones (barring illness/something else coming up) without making a fuss, or spending the day saying "can we go home soon?"
Don't plan things every day.
Thank them for coming but don't tell them how wonderful they thought it was and "didn't you enjoy that?" It's really irritating when you've done a boring day without complaining to try and keep the peace to be told that you loved it and definitely want to go again.
Remember they are different people to you. You may think the most wonderful thing is one thing. What they like is just as valid an opinion.
Don't tell them how lucky they are, or how they really appreciate your day out. It grates if you have enjoyed it, and if you haven't it feels like your thoughts don't matter.
If you always do one sort of thing, try something else. You never know you may like it.

UsingChangeofName · 09/04/2023 15:02

I think you are being very optimistic, expecting dc of those ages to be all smiles an joy at the prospect of "a walk and a picnic" if I'm honest.
Just leave the 13 yr old at home and see what the 10 yr old wants to do

Original poster

Fedupmumateaster · 09/04/2023 17:09

But I have let them choose what to do with the holidays?

The walk is loved by one and the other doesn't have much physical activity in his life so this is way of getting a bit. The day in town (about 4 hours) was his choice - Lego store and a vintage comic shop. Definitely not my choice of activities although we all enjoy. Also had lunch in a gaming cafe.

He normally sees friends but I think they are all away this holidays.

@MargaretThursday I'm not sure you read my posts. Didn't you see in my opening post we have had a couple of days where they haven't even got dressed? And months since we did an outdoors walk. And that I planned to be home early enough for film and pizza.

I actually wonder if I have allowed them to be too in control of what we do so that when I really wanted to do something everyone grumbles.

But also, I think I have been unrealistically optimistic about getting ready and leaving enthusiastically. I should have just ignored grumbles knowing they will be fine once out.

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