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Disagree with Guardian advice column

23 replies

Cakemonger · 09/04/2023 08:40

Sorry but this has annoyed me - there is some valid advice in this column but it seems to me the woman did marry the wrong man and has known it all along. To tell her she didn’t feels a bit gaslighty to me. Does anyone else feel the same?

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/apr/09/i-am-70-and-so-full-of-regret-about-my-husband-and-career-ask-philippa-perry

I’m 70 and so full of regret about my husband and career | Ask Philippa

I suspect you have a pattern of believing that that whatever choice you make, it’s is the wrong one, says Philippa Perry. You can work through this with a therapist

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/apr/09/i-am-70-and-so-full-of-regret-about-my-husband-and-career-ask-philippa-perry

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IronBan · 09/04/2023 08:46

I won’t click on a Guardian link, never thought I would say that as bought it for about 25 years but they lost the plot a while ago. Can you give a quick synopsis of the parts you disagree with the most.

LadyHelenaJustina · 09/04/2023 08:49

I don’t think it matters that much. Either (a) you made the wrong choices, or (b) you didn’t but your personality makes you think that you did. Both of these options would leave you feeling regret.

The actual advice was basically “You are now 70. How do you want to live the rest of your life? Go and see a therapist, who can help you resolve those feelings of regret, and who may be able to help you frame your remaining years in a more positive attitude.”

It seems like quite sensible advice to me.

Knullrufs · 09/04/2023 08:53

I thought it was wise and compassionate advice. And a very sad read — I know women in this position. I have a lot of compassion.

I think the concept of marrying ‘the right/wrong person’ is a bit simplistic. Not always wrong, necessarily, but overly idealistic and a bit blunt. Life is more complicated than that.

As always with these things the full letter will contain a lot more detail. And PP’s advice will be contextualised around that, not just the excerpt they publish.

Cakemonger · 09/04/2023 08:57

@LadyHelenaJustina I agree that part is good advice and if she follows it it won't matter either way. I think perhaps I am overreacting to the article because of my own personal experiences - this is why I was interested in other people's views.

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Cakemonger · 09/04/2023 08:58

@Knullrufs As always with these things the full letter will contain a lot more detail.

Yes definitely, I did think this.

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Whataretheodds · 09/04/2023 09:01

LadyHelenaJustina · 09/04/2023 08:49

I don’t think it matters that much. Either (a) you made the wrong choices, or (b) you didn’t but your personality makes you think that you did. Both of these options would leave you feeling regret.

The actual advice was basically “You are now 70. How do you want to live the rest of your life? Go and see a therapist, who can help you resolve those feelings of regret, and who may be able to help you frame your remaining years in a more positive attitude.”

It seems like quite sensible advice to me.

Yes, this

Random789 · 09/04/2023 09:04

I thought it was a humane response. It isn't a therapist's job (or a mock-therapy journalistic article's job) to make a judgement about whether someone married the right person or not . It is her job to help someone untangle feelings of obsessive regret. And that is, in fact, what the woman asked for help with. She spoke of invasive, unwanted thoughts and asked how to banish them. It is the woman's responsibility to decide whether the guy is the right one for her to be with. And she has made the choice to stay.

Perry doesn't say that the woman 'didn't make the wrong choice'. She says that the woman's choice isn't the cause of her obsessive regret. Rather, this regret is the reslut of a 'pattern is that whatever choices you make, you assume they are the wrong ones'.
The is a common pttern and a very destructive one. It is particularly common in people who are depressed. Its legitimate to focus on that, rather than on decades-old decisions.

ExtremelyDetermined · 09/04/2023 09:06

The alternatives are carrying on with this festering resentment, or leaving the marriage with huge emotional and practical upheaval and no guarantee of future happiness.

She has asked for help coming to terms with it by banishing the resentment and methods for working towards that are what PP has suggested. If she had ended the letter by saying she wanted support to leave the marriage then I'm sure the advice would have been different.

Cakemonger · 09/04/2023 09:13

I agree with everything everyone has said and that the 'grass is greener' type of rumination this woman struggles with would have plagued her no matter her life choices.

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N4ish · 09/04/2023 09:14

I think the advice is good. The 70 year old describes her focus on regrets as ‘intrusive thoughts’ which indicates that even she knows they are not based in reality.

Cakemonger · 09/04/2023 09:16

It seems it is just me then! I have a history of being gaslit and not having my feelings believed so it probably touched a nerve.

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Cakemonger · 09/04/2023 09:18

I do think it is possible to know you are with the wrong person, however.

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LadyHelenaJustina · 09/04/2023 09:19

@Cakemonger in that case, have you considered a similar course of action? I know therapy is a common recommendation, but I don’t actually know anyone in real life who has had it. (Or who is willing to say that they have.) We all carry our emotional baggage, and I sometimes wonder whether it would have been useful.

Cakemonger · 09/04/2023 09:28

@LadyHelenaJustina Oh yes, I have had a lot of therapy (necessary when you come from my family). Haven't had it for a few years however due to lack of funds - I wish I could start again.

I am still very much in the stage of needing to be believed - if I stated something fundamental that I know to be true about myself and a therapist cast doubt on it, it would be very damaging for me, hence my reaction to the article.

Incidentally I think Philippa Perry's column is generally wise and compassionate and a great improvement on its predecessor.

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Cakemonger · 09/04/2023 09:31

@IronBan I feel like I would need to reproduce it here in full but not sure I'm allowed to do that

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TheyIndeed · 09/04/2023 09:35

Yes, I think someone like this would make themselves miserable no matter what other choices they made.

I guess I'm not as compassionate as the rest of you but any sympathies I have are with her husband. A wife who didn't really love him, secretly wishes him dead, regrets marrying him, had an affair and left him for a while before returning out of something like boredom or loneliness? If a man did that we'd call him an abusive cocklodger.

Cakemonger · 09/04/2023 09:40

@TheyIndeed Yes, though to me this is more evidence that they were definitely wrong for each other.

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Stopsnowing · 09/04/2023 09:43

I think it was that she went back to him and was also dissatisfied with her career which showed that the issue was likely more her attitude to things rather than things themselves.

emilylovedhim80 · 07/12/2023 00:58

She has form on dismissing and invalidating the very real concerns/emotions of women. I posted a thread which has for some reason been hidden in which I discussed what she said to a friend of mine who is basically the victim of a predatory lecturer and Ms Perry claimed my friend was just "cherry picking" things that supported her "fantasy". She's a horrible woman who seems to hate/side against women who genuinely seek advice

emilylovedhim80 · 07/12/2023 01:00

Honestly it is not just you...I'm a therapist and remember that Guardian column very well (and my colleagues had the same view as you and me, we all discussed it over coffee break the following Monday...)

NotEvenThought · 07/12/2023 01:48

It's not just you. I really dislike Ms Perrys advice.

Cakemonger · 10/12/2023 10:53

@emilylovedhim80 @NotEvenThought This was a while ago now but interesting it wasn’t just me.

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