Mother problems

[Nextflixboxsethun]

This is a bit of a long one… strap in! 😂

My mum asked me a few weeks ago if I needed any help with childcare over the Easter holidays (kids are off for a full two weeks). My parents live over 2 hours away.

I work 2.5 days a week, 3 children 3, 5 & 6. Youngest goes to nursery 2 days a week and in-laws the half day, and they normal collect the older children from school on that half day. So my in-laws will have all 3 on my half day, Thursday they are going to a sports club. The week before I have taken the days holiday with the bank holidays.

I responded- Yes that would be fantastic and very happy for the help/grateful…could you do the last Friday as we haven’t got anything set in stone me and my other half were just going to juggle the day with work, more DH as he's at home and kids would just have to have a tv/iPad day, not ideal but fine for a day!
me thinking - perfect children sorted.

Their plan is to arrive at ours at 10ish and leave at 5.30. Perfect, older two will just chill downstairs until GP arrive.

last week me and my husband realised that we had a gig and hotel booked for that Friday they are here looking after the kids. Perfect I thought I can ask my parents to stay.
They can’t stay as they go on holiday on the Sunday and have hair/beauty appointment booked for the Saturday. To which I completely understand and said not to worry I will ask my in-laws. (Who are always happy to help!)

my mum a few days later lost the plot with me. Shouting at me over the phone why I didn’t let her know sooner that we were going out that nights (like I’ve purposely not told her!?)... Mad that my in laws get the kids (even though they can’t stay!?)…shouting at the possibility that she might not get to spend time with me…(I’m at work!) telling me it’s appalling that im not around.

Why set her off was when I tried to explain to her that it would make my life easier to go straight from work to the hotel, as it would mean me leaving work, hopefully at 4.30 on a Friday getting home at 5.15 then having to go back on myself to the hotel. I said DH will be around that day working from home and would sort the kids getting to the other GP for 5.30 (the time they had stated that they are leaving) to get to the hotel for 6ish

Gig starts at 8, but it would be nice to shower, get food and relax at the hotel a bit!

She called me every name under the sun, telling me what’s the point of them driving all this way not to see me. I didn’t get anytime to explain myself.
I messaged her trying to explain I’m juggling kid’s holidays, work, seeing parent, having time with DH and it was NEVER my intention to not see them! She didn’t want to hear any of it. I didn’t get chance to say I can see what my meetings look like I can come back for lunch. To which I would be home for 30min max.

she also had a problem with my youngest being in nursery on the Friday, I explained it’s good for him to go to stay in his routine (and the fact in paying for it!) and you can collect him early around 4.30 after his food or you will have to give him some dinner too. Also, it’s a much nicer/easier day for my parents and older children to go out for the day without a 3 year old! 😂
For some reason she had a problem with him going and the thought of having to feed him if she collected him before 4?! 🤷‍♀️

Am I in the wrong for thinking I’m right? Or am I being a spoilt entitled bitch (her words!) for not seeing/spending time with them?
Just to add we saw them for a full 3 days about 3 weeks ago, and are planning to stay at theirs over the coronation weekend in a few weeks.

its like she has no understanding standing that I’m trying my best to make everyone happy, and that I haven’t intentionally made the day/evening a little more complicated on purpose!

I understand that it’s not nice/ideal that I don’t see them. Believe it or not I would love to see them too!!

Also, I would have to make sure that the fridge is stocked, as they “don’t know the shops here” (I’ve lived in the same town for 10 years!) and she didn’t like the fact they couldn’t go swimming as I have taken the kids of my gym membership as it was too expensive! Saying (complaining) what are they going to do with them all day!

i don’t think all this is worth the free bloody childcare! I rather pay the £45 for the extra day sports club.

To add this isn’t an isolated incident, I can’t say no to them and they saying boring shit to be all the time about needing respect and how I need to be nice and do as they say! (I’m 35!) … and also, I’m one of 4 and 2/4 have no contact with our parents! Just putting that out there!!

And breathe… rant over! Thanks x

I don’t think you have mother problems, you have expectations problems . I think if I were travelling 4 hours to just do childcare and not have any family time, I would feel like unpaid help.

@HowdidImanagetohavetwoaccountaandthenloseboth
I totally understand this, it was more about the drama of it all.
Not being able to explain myself and for her to have any type of compassion to the juggle of everything.

I have never before expected them to travel just for free babysitting, this a complete one off set of circumstances.
Mostly, when they stay and we have a few days together. I would love nothing more than to have a nice dinner and chilled evening with them!

They also, do love looking after their grandchildren and are more than happy to spend time with them and help out when I’m working. They have been happy in the past to have the children when me and DH go away for the night.

I have offered to swap days for them to come in order to spend time with everyone. They are retired so are relatively “free” again, I no they have their owe lives and I do not for one second expect anything from them. I get the my children my responsibility…

They do plan to leave at 5.30/6 so even if I come home after work around 5.15 I would only be seeing them for an hour tops.

Pay for the sports club. She sounds crazy and I can understand why your siblings aren’t in touch with her. You shouldn’t have to endure name calling and drama like that from your mum.

I'd make that 3 out of 4 no contact!! No normal mother would call their daughter a 'bitch' and tell a 35 year old that she needs to do what they say.

If you and DH had booked to be away that night for a gig what arrangements had you made for childcare before your mother offered? I’m not sure I understand your post tbh?

@ShonaShoop
we booked the gig and hotel way back in August and only realised as we changed the calendar to April.

My mum offered to come and help a few weeks back. We told her straight away and ask med about staying over for the night. As they couldn’t we arranged for in-laws to have them for the night

Is there a problem with your in laws babysitting that night? If not couldn’t you just let your mother know you have already made plans for that night and you will be in contact, soon, to meet up with her?

@ShonaShoop We need help with the day as it’s half term and the two oldest are off.

OK. So you and DH booked a gig and hotel room for the night, during school break, without making secure plans for child care?

@ShonaShoop
Its not at bad as it sounds!
We booked over 6 months ago and the time just came around without us giving the date a thought. I don’t think he even thought about the date night being half term when booking.
we are really fortunate that we have a great support system. We hardly go out together so people are generally able to help when called asked.
My in-laws are normally always happy to help, we have x2 sets of siblings and close friends. If there had been problem not be able to find appropriate childcare either I would take a friend or hubby would.

Its more about my mum having a massive go at me for them be here in the day (which they offered) and me working, (which is why they are helping) and not being able spend time with them.

Your Mum sounds a bit much, but I’m also baffled that you and DH booked a gig and hotel without organising childcare for your three young DC before making the bookings!

I’m assuming you get a lot of help from your in-laws and you just expected them to look after your kids without checking if they could before you booked the gig and hotel. If so, you’re incredibly fortunate to have free childcare on tap from your in-laws without prior discussion and you’re taking them for granted.

It seems as though your Mum is pissed because she was looking forward to spending time with all of you, not just the kids. You agreed a plan with your Mum and now you’ve changed it in favour of your in-laws looking after your DC as they always do. I think your Mum feels pushed out. No excuse for calling you out of your name though, unless you deserved it?

So you booked a gig and overnight stay away without first securing child care and just expected your mother to fall in line?

I was wondering this, not saying you did but I would not have booked the gig/hotel without checking the care arrangements beforehand

@WandaWonder
I think we just booked it all then thought closer to the time we will arrange the childcare.
We very fortunate that my in-laws are very happy to help.

@ShonaShoop my in-laws don’t just fall in line - they are supportive and are happy to help if they are free obviously.

@NaturalBae I was looking forward to seeing my mum also, this has just all kind of happened once we realised the dates. It’s completely mine and my husband mistake not looking ahead. I did offer my mum to change the day she came and she refused.

This is the only time they have been to my house and I haven’t spent time with them in the 10 years I have been here, 6 years of being a parent. I understand her upset but not the name calling and making out I’m a terrible person because I let something slip in my diary.

I'm not sure why some people have such an issue with you forgetting to organise babysitters for a night out. Worst case scenario you don't go! Not a big deal, especially if you have a few options.

Given that the way your M is taking to you is a regular occurrence I'd quite frankly tell her to tick off and arrange some other care for the day, like the holiday club, and seriously pull back from the relationship and tell them that they risk NC if they speak to you like that again.

Relationships with parents (and other family) are only worth it if they have mutual respect. Otherwise, fuck 'em!!!