Life jealousy

[JustMeAgain45]

Hi all,

If anyone has any tips for getting over myself or just empathy that would be nice. I’m mostly posting to try and get this out of my head.

Ive worked in my job for 10 years, my job title has stayed the same but the job has changed a lot (I’ve gone from 25k to 41k salary) Outside work I have a house, a long term partner and a dog. My parents are both alive and I have a sister. Financially I’m stable. My heath is good too. And I want to be thankful for all of this.

BUT

Im 38, no kids and I feel stuck in life! My colleague is 43, has just got a new amazing job on 51k after been head hunted, she has two young boys and an amazing house…. She is absolutely lovely and I want to be happy for her, and I am but I’m so jealous!! It’s not just the pay, it’s what comes with the job too. It’s also not just the fact she has kids, it’s the fact she managed to decide to and actually do it!

I want to be positive for her and I want to use this as a platform to plan my life and and do better etc. BUT I’m not, instead I’m up at 5am feeling jealous! The green eyed monster! I want to be head hunted and get that perfect little family set up (even though I know it’s not perfect! For eg Her husband has health issues and her youngest don’t sleep through at 5)

Do you love you partner and are you happy with him? Personally your set up sounds much better than 10k more if it comes with a husband with health issues and a 5 year old that doesn't sleep through! I'd choose your circumstances everytime. This probably won't mean much, so you should make a plan about what you want and work towards that.

How long have you been with her OP?

Do you want children?

I am struggling to empathise, you sound like you are in a good position in life and you can make changes if you want to. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors either so you can't judge her apparently perfect life. You've made or not made your own decisions. Sounds a bit harsh but there is no point in feeling powerless.

Thank you.

It’s definitely not a bad set up. I love my partner, been together about 14 years so something must be working.

Honestly not sure about kids, I always thought it would happen but life has happened - put our careers in place, bought a house, went on a few nice holidays, started talking kids then the pandemic happened. We both work in social care and my grandma (who I am close to or was until she forgot me) needed to go into a home due to dementia so it’s been a none stop few years with quite a lot of ‘kids can be brilliant and funny but.. ‘ thoughts. The ’but’ are things like if it’s fair to bring another person into this world, if I’m a bit too old and if that’s fair (I get my eggs are old but hopefully not entirely unusable, that bothers me less than the child having a old mum - if I have a baby at 40, I’ll be 80 when they’re my age etc. people have long lives in my family but what if I don’t make it in that far etc.), if I like my life now why rock the boat etc. plus I know a few people with older kids who never see them and a few older child free people who are really happy… but I do feel a bit of envy and a void, plus I’m sad at the lost potential if we don’t have any….It’s a big difficult decision. I’m mainly jealous that she’s managed to take the leap and make a decision (her boys are exceptionally cute though! Admittedly probably less cute at 3am!!)

We’ve worked together for 4 years (ish). She’s my counterpart, we do the same job but cover different regions & buddie up on projects. We work really well together, our manager said we both go on about how much we admire each other (we have a similar work ethic and values but different strengths so it works really well). I will really miss her, and I’m happy for her BUT her new job just sounds perfect and I’m so so incredibly envious… especially as I’m terrible at interviews, and can’t see myself getting that lucky.

I think I’m feeling like I’m left behind in life.

Not sure what exactly you're jealous of.

She decided to have kids and you have decided not to??

I had my last child at 41 - and haven't ever thought as far as me getting to 80 even - I'll probably be dead then - so why actually spend time worrying about it?

Yes - you have a lot to feel grateful for. Especially if you're in good health.

No empathy here - just a 'get a grip' from me.

I agree with this. In the nicest possible way OP, your circumstances are the product of the decisions you've been capable of making as a grown adult for the last 20 years. You sound like you're wallowing in a bit of self pity because maybe with hindsight you would have made different decisions, but now that you realise you've missed what you feel were the optimal times, you're channeling that regret into jealousy because it's easier to blame an outsider for (appearing to) have it better than you, rather than accepting your responsibility and the feelings that brings up.

I'm sure this'll be seen as grossly unreasonable but it is a trap too many people fall into that keeps them stuck, both in life and mentally.

OP you love your partner and have been in a happy relationship for 14 years, many people could only dream of that. That said it's normal to feel down sometimes or in a rut, and jealous of others. I honestly think take a look at what you want to change and do that. Might be time for a new job, I've always found that my job has always had a big impact on the rest of my life and if I was unhappy there it would start to affect other things. I also think you should plan a romantic trip somewhere away with your partner

I know it's easier said than done OP but you need to stop comparing yourself to others.

Focus on your own life and what you want from it. Think about where you and your partner want to be a few years down the road and all the positive things that you have in your life.

Having developed a life changing disability ten years ago and lost a big part of my identity, my experience is that jealousy and bitterness grind you down and amplify all the negatives and in the end achieves nothing apart from making a bad situation worse. Aim to work on your own happiness and goals and make peace with yourself.

Am now beginning to sound like an old hippy (which I kind of am tbh), but you get the gist.

Also remember that other people's lives are often different to how they appear, and that "having it all" doesn't necessarily make someone happier.

Also you're not too old to have a child if that's what you really want. It's obviously a big decision and there are no guarantees but you can only try, if it's genuinely what you want.

You feel how you feel OP so own that. But in terms of getting past it, the things you're jealous of are things entirely in your control; if you want a family, have a family, if you want to progress your career, progress your career. I can understand if you were single, or in poor health or jealous of things out of your reach, but what you want is feasibly done.

In the nicest way, I think this envy is a way of avoiding having to take responsibility for your own life decisions - which I get are really hard.

You can feel like your friend has taken something (kids, job) which should be yours - and this is why you don't have a family or the job you would love.

Reality is you don't have kids because you are anxious about making the decision to have them and ambivalent about whether you want them.

These are the things you need to urgently put your emotional energy into working through - not envy of your friends.

I think I can empathise a bit OP. A change is happening in your life because your colleague is moving on. You are probably going to miss her.
This sort of thing is going to happen though. As another poster just said, you need to try to put your energy into your own life and work out how to make your life even better and more satisfying than it is.
You are the only person who can decide whether you want children or not. But if you have no children ( with the pros and cons ) you have twenty more years of young/mid life to go with your job, DP, dog, interests/hobbies and yourself. If that might be nice but not enough, get going on finding what you need to add or change to have a very enjoyable life instead of a quite enjoyable one.
It might not be a simple quick answer. Good luck. Maybe start with a little boost like a weekend away or something fun.

Reading your post again, your justifications for why you haven’t had children seem a bit ….. weak? When your children would be 4O you would be 80? What’s that got to do with it all.

Way too much navel gazing, not enough doing. Annoying

And today's prize for understanding, empathy and helpful advice goes to @CreationNat1on

Deep down, do you really want kids?
Was it your choice not to have kids?

If you want kids, I'd start trying now as you don't have many years left.

I don’t think your reasons are weak and think jealousy is normal particularly when colleagues progress from being a similar stage as yourself. But agree that you are putting your energy into the jealousy to avoid facing up to your decisions. If you want to drive your career then focus on strengthening areas of weakness and get yourself out there. If you decide you don’t want kids - speak with your partner and start thinking what you want life to look like - travel, a house in a good location, theatre, whatever but don’t let life slip you by while you are undecided.

It’s making you feel unsettled for a reason, and you need to dig deep and work out what that reason is. All of the things she has are things you could also have. If you want kids you need to come to that decision and get going. If you want a new job or to be head-hunted there are things you can do to make that happen. I sometimes feel like this though when I feel that I should be achieving something different (according to society or other people) even though deep-down I’m happy with my life choices. Only you know which one it is. Good luck, it’s hard feeling unsettled.

Thank you everyone.

I completely and absolutely get that I’m been unreasonable feeling jealous. It’s just easier said than done getting past emotions sometimes. Everyone who has in effect said grow up…. completely get this, I know that’s the approach to take. It’s just easier said than done… we don’t always have a switch in our emotions. And from what I’ve seen on here it’s totally normal to have unreasonable feelings.

Rather than been harsh on myself and say I’m wrong to feel how I feel I’m choosing to recognise it, accept it’s unreasonable and think about exactly where it has come from.

The envy about having kids is there not because she has two, it’s because she was able to decide. I’m also envious of the people I know who are sure they don’t want any. I know full well that this element is entirely because I cannot get past the indecision. My reasons are important to me.

The job envy is bigger than the family aspect (the family bit just adds to the image really) I think this comes from that I’ve been looking for a new job… I’ve been in my current company for 10 years and although a lot has changed actually I need a change. I’m sick of the same old politics! I’ve had a couple of interviews, not got the jobs, and realised just how much I hate interviews / the actual getting a new job. What I think I need to do is change what I’m applying for and do something to help me get over the interview fear (forget my entire career as soon as I need to tell someone about it in an interview!! I can ‘walk the walk’ but fail to ‘talk the talk’!). So actually, the jealousy comes from a sense of failure because I feel stuck all because I can’t say the right things sat on a Teams call with a stranger (makes me think how ludicrous interviews are!)