What is your relationship with your adult children like?

[YukoandHiro]

Asking because I'm thinking about it a lot this week as on a shared family holiday with my DH, young DC and my parents.
My parents have been amazing parents and are wonderful, involves GPs but we are very different people, live quite different lives and have different interests and priorities so long periods of time together can be exhausting and by the end my DF in particular and me can be a bit tetchy with each other.
Basically I can only spend limited time with them otherwise it's a bit strained. Even though we all get on well.
I think this is actually quite normal.... but I can't bear the idea of my DCs feeling like this about me as an adult.
I see a lot of posts on here about breaking cycles of abuse and parenting differently to prioritise the relationship etc. That is not the case here at all. I love my parents and love having them in my life. I do parent differently but not as a massive decision, I'm just more of a child led parent simply because we do things differently now and it's not the 1980a anymore!

So... are my DC as adults destined to find me frustrating and tiring to be around too even if they love me a lot? Is this just par for the course? It makes me feel sad.

Let me look into my crystal ball....

Well, who knows?

My eldest is 24 and never leaves me alone. FaceTimes me daily, always wants to do stuff with me or chat, has her own house but it's as if she still lives here!

Youngest only 16 but we had lunch out today together and then he wanted us to watch a film - so maybe he will be similar in the future? He's also a typical teen so hard to say at this point!

I have one adult and one not.

We get on well. She chooses to spend time with me. I am picking her up tomorrow to spend sometime with her. She is also close to ds and often takes him out for lunch and treats him.

We speak most days, often initiated by her. She keeps me up to date on things she is up to. She confides a lot in me.

My relationship with my Dad is good. Mum had quite severe mental health issues, so that was a harder relationship. She died 15 months ago and I desperately miss her, even though it was difficult. I used to visit at least once a week and would go on holiday with them and the kids. Go on days out etc.

Tbh, my dad is one of my best friends. I can tell him anything and feel really at ease around him. He says the same. I often take a day off and we go shopping together and have lunch. I feel sick at the thought of losing him.

I'm very close to my adult DC, their partners and the DGC. We live within an hour of each other, see each other at least once a week, often meet up for meals out etc and regularly holiday together. I think that online posters are so much more likely to comment on stress and tensions in families than happy loving relationships, so forums like Mumsnet inevitably portray a skewed perspective.

Mine are fine with all of mine, my eldest lives at home, thanks stupidly high rents around here, and we occasionally clash but it's soon forgotten.

I get on SO well with both parents, and all my adult siblings. We speak ( via WhatsApp) everyday and I phone both my parents daily. I desperately hope that my DC feel the same way and we continue to have a close knit relationship. Though I wonder if we are so close as I only have sisters, my DH and all my BIL's are not close with their families. I hope my DS does not follow suit but it does often seem that way.

On the contrary my other half is closer to his Mum than I am so it's not always men that are closer to the girlfriend or wives parents.

I was able to be pretty honest with my parents and them with me!
I adored them both and loved it holidays with them and socialising with them.

I think being able to say your mind helps?

Eldest is 30, we chat by WhatsApp most days, normally discussing breaking news and politics. We both love to debate things so that works well.

you get ds is still at home, loves to chat.

My mother lives in an annexe to our house and we get on very well, bar the occasional getting on each others nerves. We have a mutually beneficial arrangement where we help each other out. We often have family meals together and she is always invited on outings.
My children are still preteen but I really hope we maintain a strong relationship into adulthood. They are all boys and I wonder about their future partners and hope they are nice! My DH has now lost both his parents but had a good relationship with both. Lots of phone calls and visits. Hopefully, we are modelling healthy family dynamics to the children. We shall see!

Being a guest of going on holiday with others wears thin after a while no matter who it is.

if we holiday with friends for a week we’ve generally had enough by the end.

so some of it is that.

bur also whether you can speak your mind. Whether your parents have accepted eg parenting has changed. Really accepted it rather than biting their tongue.

with my parents they’ve not really owned the poorer parts of their parenting. Would not be open to an honest conversation where I could talk about how I felt let down by them and resolve it.

so that puts a distance between us, but that’s on them not me.

i asked a therapist once if it was inevitable I would be the person my kids went to therapy about.

she said ‘face up to and address your own stuff and maybe not’

so I try to do that.

really reflect on difficult moments with the kids and what I brought to that, if there’s anything I need to resolve or improve.

DC1 (10 years) talked this evening about a memory of something difficult when they were younger that now I would handle differently.

it was a chance to say that I felt I’d for that wrong and that I was sorry.

my mum wouldn’t do that. Would tell me again how I’d been making too much of a fuss.

your reap what you sow.

I now felt I’d got that wrong, and I was sorry

I’m close to both of my DDs, DD1 is 31 and just moved into the same village as dh and I, with her Dh and baby. We see each other lots and get on really well. I’d say one of the most important things is to remember they are adults and are allowed to make their own decisions and mistakes! They really don’t want their mum or dad telling them how they should live their lives.

Mine are in their 30's we get along really well. I was always a very relaxed mother and I still am so maybe that has helped. We don't talk every day and I'd never dream of holidaying with them - so we don't wear each other out . And how they raise their kids is entirely up to them. Good luck op, I hope it works out for you.

I was able to stay with my parents on holidays, but I could never live with them once I was an adult.
My son is 19 and I don't think I could live with him now either as he's lived on his own for 18 months. And he'd say the same about me. But we text each other several times a day and are very close.
Adults are adults, and as much as you love someone you don't always get on domestically. I'm fine with my daughter but she's 17 and very similar to me. My son can't sit still and is very particular about certain things. Great - he can be that way in his own home.
Frankly I don't know many people who could live with their adult children for long, and the feeling is mutual.

@Catsstillrock You've encapsulated the difference in parenting that I'm talking about exactly.

I would do the same as you. Of course there are mistakes I make, and probably often, but I'm the first to admit to them (even at age 5) if I think I handled something wrongly and apologise. If something isn't working in the relationship, you repair it.

My parents - particularly my dad - would never do that. They just don't self reflect in that way. I do think it's a generational thing.

Thanks everyone - a range of responses but this thread has given me hope that I won't be a constant irritant to my adult DC 😂

I could have written that OP, we’re on holiday now. It’s not really a break - 2 extra adults but they have no initiative and it’s more people’s opinions to factor into plans. And I’m barely seeing my kids as they just want to be with the grandparents :(

My parents’ lives have got a bit small so my mum particularly asks stupid questions and worries about stuff. Eg we’d made a plan for the day, agreed on it, then as we’re leaving she goes ‘are we going to [the place we agreed on] then?’ YES! Obviously!! No wonder I’m bloody exasperated by you!!

I do think it’s a tale as old as time that kids will be annoyed by their parents - it’s kind of the point as they get to 18/20 so they fly the nest. Then as you the child forge your own lives your ways of doing things and opinions will diverge as you gather life experience.

Im going to try so hard to keep my life full so that I don’t stress about and fully focus on my grown up kids and get interfering, and keep a broad world view. But history of these relationships shows I will probably fail 😍

I have a 27 year old son and we have a great relationship. We share the same sense of humor so often text each other about something funny we saw or read. He's also a great cook (much better than me!) and occasionally we'll try out new restaurants together.

I think the key is emphasizing the "adult" part of adult child. I don't offer unsolicited advice and I don't interfere in his romantic relationships. He has his own life to live and his own mistakes to make. He's bound to have different priorities from me and that's fine. And I don't make ridiculous demands on his time (something my mother did that drove me crazy).

Mutual respect, healthy boundaries, keep line of communication open but don't pout if they don't visit or call as frequently as you might like. While they will always be your child, remember that they are not children anymore.

God, how I hate that phrase "it's a generational thing" like each generation is one humungous lump of sameness

She doesn't speak to me because I'm a TERF.