I must be parenting wrong

[DueyCheatemAndHow]

They are so frantic and so manic. Its like I can't breathe. They are 4 and 2. 4 year old cannot do anything apart from watch TV without me. Nothing. Everything ends in tears or a tantrum.

We've just been abroad for a week. It was utterly relentless. In the pool, then freezing, the other one wants to stay in, tears all round. A drink gets knocked over at least once a day.

I'm utterly wrung out. At some point will this get easier or am I just utterly shit?

Ahhhh, 4&2. I think I’ve blocked a lot of that stage out due to the insane tiredness and drama. Relentless parenting with the physical needs and safety for 2 and emotional needs and questions from 4!

5&3 were tricky in a different way as they started “packing” against me and used to work together to get what they wanted in a rather crude way.

6&4 this became more sophisticated and I started to admire the tenacity of them and get some more sleep and breaks, but needed to really watch my back, like being hunted or something. They also worked out the fridge, and how to work the tv and iPad…

7&5 were hilarious as they worked out how to manipulate one another and me but I could still outfox them as long as I had my wits about me.

8&6 were emotional and crazy and questioning all at once.

Skip through to 10&8 and they’re mainly besties who order me out of the space so that they can play together uninterrupted and I can post shit on Mumsnet…

It is relentless but evolves, as do they and you. Massive hugs, it’s brutal and glorious all at once and you’re likely doing a far better job than you realise. Xxx

Thanks guys

We are petty disciplined, there are routines in place and they happen hell or highwater. If I misheard a drink request then I'll change it but wrong cup is tough - if they want a different one they have to change it.

4 year old.has some sensory issues which make things harder, eg he Will refuse to wear waterproof dungarees cos he doesn't like how they feel.

DD isn't a great eater and hates her booster seat at the table, but then she keeps standing up. But I don't want her to hate mealtimes anymore than she already does.

I've started using a timer for things - '5 mins left in the park' which works well. It's just like wading through never ending shit-filled treacle.

2 & 4 is tough.
Structure.
Being very firm with tantrums - Dc2 was a terrible tantrum er/grizzler. He could literally moan all day. I had to learn to ignore a lot of it.
It was hard.
Not explaining too much. A simple ‘no don’t touch that’ is enough. They don’t need long complicated explanations or to talk about their emotions. It’s too much for them,
Limited choices. So don’t say ‘what would you like for lunch’ if you want to give a choice (and you definitely don’t need to) say would you like ham or cheese sandwiches. Boundaries and more limited choice makes them feel safer.
Set bedtimes with a set routine. Plus they can’t tell the time so sometimes put them to bed 30 minutes earlier as a treat for you.
Lots of physical exercise and outside time - swimming, park, mud kitchen etc.
Reins for the 2 year old. And 4 year old sometimes if they are a runner. Or it’s a non negotiable that they hold your hand or the pushchair.
Breaks for you if you can.
It will pass. It will.

"My daughter confides in me that since her daughter turned four she’s just a cunt, relentlessly and about everything she’s just a cunt."

@DueyCheatemAndHow have you tried on waterproof dungarees? They're a sore sweaty hell. I wouldn't wear them either! Maybe the rigid hell or high water routines aren't helping. I'm all for some structure but on holiday? Nah

@Cherrybl0ssm we do a lot of what you've suggested but one thing we really need to work on are the sheer number of words we say. I honestly feel like I say a million a day. The 2 year old is way above her age (that's not a stealth boast, its just how it is) so she wants to play orchard games and stuff then it's a constant "no DS can have that card this time u cam have it next time' 'DD it's your go... DD it's your go' 'DS wait your turn. No it isn't your go'

Even cleaning teeth I dread because DS ends up going silly and DD refuses so we end up with her screaming.

Honestly never thought it would be this hard.

@RideACockHorseToSunburyCross that's why I don't make him wear them. But then we have inevitable tears when he gets wet.

Holiday or no holiday they are cleaning their teeth and getting dressed and going to bed.The rest we let slide.

If the 4yo has sensory sensitivities, they might generally be getting overloaded by things in the environment, which can lead to what I think of as "fizzy" behaviour - if you get the times where they are like a can of pop that has been shaken up, and they don't seem to be in control of their own behaviour, or when you ask them to stop things they just can't seem to wind down, even if you remove them from the situation they just continue to fight back, the only thing that really stops it is if you lose it and shout (and scare them) or if they hurt themselves and get a shock that way. Obviously scaring them/hurting them is not a sustainable parenting method, so it can help to try and avoid them getting into that state in the first place, as well as trying to find strategies which do help them dial down from that state in a kinder way.

Once you're home and back to "normal" routine, it might be worth trying to keep a diary of behaviour that you're noticing and things that might be triggering it - there is a good book called Too Fast Too Bright Too Loud Too Tight, which might give you some ideas.

The other thing you can do apparently is try to incorporate a "sensory diet" but I don't really know how this works. I read about it here: https://theotbutterfly.com/sensoryseeker/sensory-processing/

That age is really hard. It does get much easier though. I now have a 4 and 6yo and they can play nicely and be civilised when they want to and are much more independent. My youngest was quite easy at 2, a proper threenager and starting to calm down a bit now at 4. I think once youngest is at school it’ll feel easier again having them both in the same place. The bickering never stops though…

"Holiday or no holiday they are cleaning their teeth and getting dressed and going to bed.The rest we let slide."

Oh right, you said you were rigid. Not just doing the basics 😅.

What about the 4 year olds imaginative play?

What about Play doh, kinetic sand, water play/ cup play, sensory trays, ice play ( we freeze his dinosaurs and he gets a little hammer to get them out), does he like bugs? Outside play in the garden etc.

Half an hour at a time by himself is quite plenty. My 2 year old (well 2 at the end of the month) isn't amazing at playing by himself yet but is getting there, he's more one thing to another rather than concentrating but I set up play and get the things out he enjoys. The one thing he enjoys most is reading and he does do it himself but would actually love to sit there for hours and read....

I know. What an awful way to refer to any human, let alone a small child.

Imaginative play is good but it always involves me - 'Mummy pretend you're a .... and I'm a...'

it is just a phase! It will get better! My DD (4yo, nearly 5) is just coming out of the other side of being an absolute terror - everything has to be a fight, no never means no, can’t do anything on her own etc…

Someone once said to me, though, that with children absolutely everything is just a phase so make the most when times are good and when times feel stressful, just know that it will pass.

Oh my word - this is so my DD too haha. My fave at the minute with my DD is ‘mummy, let’s play. You can be whatever you want… [pause] …but you have to be a [insert instruction] and you have to….’

I need to take a lead from her assertive and influencing skills for when I go back to work!

@HappyHolidays22 me too - if I could be half as assertive as my DD I'd be CEO by now!

"I know. What an awful way to refer to any human, let alone a small child."

Vile. And to tell your mum this about her granddaughter, who then goes on to share it on the internet.

Wow poor kid, just 4 years old and calling her that. Unbelievable that anyone could refer to their child like that.

“How are you with boundaries?

How confident do you feel when you ask them to do something?

How do you cope/react when they are upset by something?”

similar ages and the answer is 1. Terrible, 2. Not very 3. Panic/upset

She doesn’t call her that. She is the most patient parent, explaining, giving choices and alternatives etc. The child has learned to turn all this communication, negotiating and comprise into one long argument about everything and she’s a royal pita at the moment.
The adult conversation is not for the child’s ears, it is merely the frustrated language of an exhausted mother. The child is loved by her parents, aunts, uncles, multiple cousins and grandparents.

If she is all you say I cannot believe she would refer to a child in those terms, let alone her child. Disgusting language to describe anyone. Just because she isn't calling the child this to her face doesn't make it okay.

Have they just turned 4 and 2? Life got a lot easier for us when our two were around 2 and a half and 4 and a half (23 month age gap).

Life just all of a sudden felt less chaotic and more enjoyable as they got more independent and got better at
playing together.