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Original poster

I need to make a decision

13 replies

Cleanmug · 05/04/2023 09:29

Drop this idea altogether or "do" something.

I have a friend. Not especially close, but I've known him for a decade or more.

For most of that time I was married, I haven't been for 2 years now.

He is divorced and has had numerous girlfriends during that time. All much younger than him and very attractive. Usually last a year or so. Lots of female friends too. AFAIK he's never had more than one GF at a time but he does move on fairly quickly and he always seems to have women (often married) around him.

However, he split with the last girlfriend around the same time I became single. He told me then that he planned to stay single for a while and he has. During that time he's become a good friend to me. Has been there to help in practical situations and been important socially, as my life and friends changed completely after DH's death. We shared one very drunken kiss which we have both pretended never happened, but apart from that he's always been respectful and never tried anything on. (I'm also not sure who initiated the kiss!)

I don't think he's a player. I think the string of women is because he's looking for love, but looking in the wrong places (young attractive women!).

It has occurred to me that the reason he's been single for so long, concurrently with me may be that's he's a carrying a torch for me, although I'm well outside his usual target market.

Anyway, if there is "something" I think he's waiting for some sort of sign from me that I'm ready to move on/when it would be acceptable. I've no idea what the answer to that is. I wouldn't object to a bit of fun, but I'm definitely not looking for "the one" as I suspect he is. I'm also worried that moving things on with him ruins the friendship, but also know that would have to change should he (or I) have a partner anyway.

Or he could not be interested but grateful for a friend in the same way I have been.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cleanmug · 05/04/2023 09:31

FWIW another male friend who doesn't know him met him for the first time recently and told me he (the single friend) is smitten with me. I don't see that in his actions TBH but friend was convinced.

OP posts:
YogaLite · 05/04/2023 09:33

He has probably got into a habit that you might not be able to break. Maybe best to stay friends or ask him in a very informal situation whether he is happy single - some men are.

7Worfs · 05/04/2023 09:37

Do you fancy him? If yes, just invite him to dinner and see how it goes. Steer the conversation towards him sharing what he’s looking for, how does he see his future etc

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TheyIndeed · 05/04/2023 09:39

It sounds a little to me like you're building a bit of a fantasy romance here. I really don't mean that cruelly at all, we've all done it, but I wonder if this is partly a reaction to your grief for your husband and this feels like a "safe" sort of next thing?

I mean, which feels more likely? The heroic friend who has been secretly in love with you forever and only dated other women casually out of desperation, longing for you and you alone?

Or a typical player who likes to date 'much younger' women (boak) where the power balance is perpetually in his favour, bins them when he's bored, seems to like being single, but meanwhile would probably be up for sex with you too if you seemed interested?

Sparkletastic · 05/04/2023 09:44

Hmm you thinking he's almost 'accidentally' dating beautiful young women but he's really looking for the real thing with someone more age appropriate seems highly unlikely to me. He's clearly not painfully shy if he's active on the dating scene so would probably have told you if he had serious feelings for you. He might well be up for sex, even a relationship, but his track record doesn't look good. I'd be very wary.

Original poster
Cleanmug · 05/04/2023 09:46

TheyIndeed · 05/04/2023 09:39

It sounds a little to me like you're building a bit of a fantasy romance here. I really don't mean that cruelly at all, we've all done it, but I wonder if this is partly a reaction to your grief for your husband and this feels like a "safe" sort of next thing?

I mean, which feels more likely? The heroic friend who has been secretly in love with you forever and only dated other women casually out of desperation, longing for you and you alone?

Or a typical player who likes to date 'much younger' women (boak) where the power balance is perpetually in his favour, bins them when he's bored, seems to like being single, but meanwhile would probably be up for sex with you too if you seemed interested?

Yes, absolutely I agree with you, except that in 2 years, he's never tried to have sex with me, which absolutely could be because he doesn't fancy me.

He's very fanciable in the mold of middle aged man who takes good care of himself. He's very kind and reliable, I find, but I wouldn't say we have any great connection.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cleanmug · 05/04/2023 09:49

Sparkletastic · 05/04/2023 09:44

Hmm you thinking he's almost 'accidentally' dating beautiful young women but he's really looking for the real thing with someone more age appropriate seems highly unlikely to me. He's clearly not painfully shy if he's active on the dating scene so would probably have told you if he had serious feelings for you. He might well be up for sex, even a relationship, but his track record doesn't look good. I'd be very wary.

No I don't think that at all. I think his "type" is attractive young women but that he's (subconsciously) looking for something he won't get from them. He won't get it from me either, even if he wanted it.

He hasn't dated anyone in 2 years. During that time I've been his plus 1 for events he'd usually take a partner to.

OP posts:
itwasntmetho · 05/04/2023 09:49

Yeah I hate to shit on a nice thought when you are hoping for this but my experience of young attractive women is not that they make unsuitable life partners, there’s nothing wrong with young women but many are played by men who never really want what they want.
from the outside the flakey time wasting men will paint a picture of the women being somehow hollow or not an intellectual match.

that said I’ve never met anyone in this situation but proceed with caution.
good luck.

Original poster
Cleanmug · 05/04/2023 09:54

itwasntmetho · 05/04/2023 09:49

Yeah I hate to shit on a nice thought when you are hoping for this but my experience of young attractive women is not that they make unsuitable life partners, there’s nothing wrong with young women but many are played by men who never really want what they want.
from the outside the flakey time wasting men will paint a picture of the women being somehow hollow or not an intellectual match.

that said I’ve never met anyone in this situation but proceed with caution.
good luck.

Yes, I know this, I'm honestly not naive about this. If anything I worry that I'm taking advantage of him.

He split with the last woman after he was called by the police to pick her up drunk once too often. They didnt live together but he was often called by police or members of the public to rescue her when they found her incapable. He wanted to "save" her but had to admit defeat in the end. The previous one left him because she wanted children and he's got adult DC (and a vasectomy).

OP posts:
Original poster
Cleanmug · 05/04/2023 10:13

If I'm honest I guess I don't really get why he spends so much time with me at all. So there must be something I'm missing.

He's well liked, has lots of friends, male and female, is very active in a hobby, busy with his adult DC and plenty of opportunity in the dating world if he wanted it. Yet most weekends he's with me for at least part of it.

That's unusual, surely, so there is "something"? I don't really have a clue what it is.

OP posts:
BevMarsh · 05/04/2023 10:20

There's been more than enough opportunities for him to have tried to take things further and he has not.
You say you can not give him what he is looking for even if he did profess feelings.
A quick bunk up or even fwb longer term relationship would just muddy the friendship.
Leave it alone.

WeAreTheHeroes · 05/04/2023 10:25

I think the answer is in what you've stated. You think, and a male friend does too, that he does fancy you. You are friends but you don't feel a romantic connection and say you're not looking for "the one". This is a classic case of someone having all the right attributes (other than the penchant for younger women), but you don't actually fancy him. If you did, that drunken kiss would have turned out differently.

There's a real possibility that if you made a play for him he'd reciprocate, but you'd be after different things. If you value his friendship don't mess with his feelings.

Original poster
Cleanmug · 05/04/2023 10:50

WeAreTheHeroes · 05/04/2023 10:25

I think the answer is in what you've stated. You think, and a male friend does too, that he does fancy you. You are friends but you don't feel a romantic connection and say you're not looking for "the one". This is a classic case of someone having all the right attributes (other than the penchant for younger women), but you don't actually fancy him. If you did, that drunken kiss would have turned out differently.

There's a real possibility that if you made a play for him he'd reciprocate, but you'd be after different things. If you value his friendship don't mess with his feelings.

Yes, we definitely need a proper talk rather than just "letting things happen"

And I agree it's probably best to leave things be, but they can't stay this way forever. I wouldn't accept this friendship in a partner, for example.

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