First counselling session...TW: Suicide

[Flightlessbirrd]

I have my first counselling session tomorrow following FIL taking his own life last month. We were extremely close, he was like a father to me. It's been a horrific time supporting MIL, jumping between our home and hers to make sure she isn't alone, as well as dealing with family drama and trying to figure out how to grieve and process everything that has happened.
I am absolutely terrified of walking into the counsellor tomorrow and having nothing to say. I've been quite numb to everything and just doing the practical things of supporting, shopping, listening, all of the official things, but would like to have an idea of how to move forward and begin to grieve. Can anyone please tell me how their first session with a counsellor went or what questions to expect? I got the phone call from MIL that morning and I am so scared to even speak about it for fear of the floodgates opening, which makes me think I'm not ready for this!

Its very early days. Try it, but don't beat yourself up if you don't feel comfortable that the session was worthwhile.

Just tell the counselor how you are feeling numb but also scared of the floodgates opening. They should be skilled in helping you talk about it without the feelings being retraumatising.

Thank you so much for replying. These responses really help me in feeling this is normal and that I am not someone who is incapable of feeling! I did think I should say I'm feeling numb, but then I thought they might judge...crazy I know!

It's okay to let the floodgates open. You probably need to after the trauma you have had. Your Counsellor will be skilled at managing the process and will help you. I've just restarted therapy as I was a mess and didn't know why, I just told her exactly that, and she has helped me pick my way through it all. Good luck. And very, very sorry for your loss, especially in such a terrible way.

You don't have to say a thing. My old therapist said he had one client that took about 8 sessions to just say a word. You can take it at your own pace. Wishing you all the best.

OP just see how it goes, there is no right or wrong way to be in counselling.
You hopefully won't be questioned too much and it will be like a very gentle talk unless you direct it in another way but please don't worry if you have little or no words.
With grief counselling it is normal for your therapist to hang back as you are deep in the grief and that is normal and healthy, recommended 3 months ish after a bereavement to do this work.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve it just is.
I'm so sorry for your loss and the trauma that a loss like this brings.

In the first session they'll probably ask a few questions about you and get some basic admin done/check contact details are right etc and tell you any guidelines they work with (you can ask about this too - things like how close to an appointment you can cancel without paying, or under which circumstances they'd have to break confidence ie if you say you're planning on killing someone next week!).

If they start like that, then after they have the info, they'll likely then ask more about why you're coming and/or what you hope to get out of the sessions. There's absolutely no right or wrong answer, including "I don't know" or "I'm too afraid to say" or just silence, or bursting into tears and crying for the rest of the session. You won't shock, upset them or make them feel uncomfortable. All your reactions (bar actively violent ones!) are ok.

If you want to tell them something but you're afraid you may not be able to say it at the time, you can always write a little note and have it with you. If you can't say anything but you feel you want to, you can just give them the message.

I have a rule of thumb that it takes 3 sessions to know whether I have a click with the therapist. Sometimes the first session is more formal than you're expecting, due to the admin, so if you get that feeling, give it another chance. If it's not feeling good after a few sessions then look for someone else. It's important that you feel comfortable with the therapist in order to get the most from it.

I'm so sorry that you're living through this.

Thank you all so much for your kind words, it has really helped settle my mind.
I suppose it's stepping into the unknown that is scary, but as you all say, there is no right or wrong way to do this. I'll definitely try to keep that in mind and give it more than one session to then decide whether this counsellor is right for me.
Many thanks all