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Original poster

Can I tell a friend that she can stay if her children are better behaved?

16 replies

Swifey40 · 04/04/2023 20:32

So difficult!!! We have been friends for nearly 40 years, but live 3 hours apart. She brought her dc down to stay in Feb 2020 and it was absolutely exhausting because they were so hyperactive and fought and even bit each other. She didn't seem too bothered and thought it was just normal.....my dc were aghast and hated the whole 24 hours! For context our children are exactly the same age, so we have two who are now 10 and two who are 7. To make matters more complicated we are both godmothers or the respective little ones.
My two are boys and both play rugby and football, but they don't fight, certainly never physically, and hate loudness and wrestling etc. The other children also have no boundaries over sofas and beds etc, and our house can be quite dangerous as it's an ongoing renovation.
As a child my friend was quite difficult in that she always had to be doing something and this hasn't changed as an adult.
We have the room for them to stay, so cannot use that as an excuse, and we haven't seen them since that last visit 3 years ago.
Should I keep my mouth shut and just get on with it, or should I say, yes you can stay, but your children have to be better controlled and behaved?

OP posts:

BHRK · 04/04/2023 20:38

You can’t say that to her, imagine if somebody said that to you! I think you should suck it up, she is your friend of 40 years. Tell your kids it’s only for a short time and they can cope. It’s also 3 years since they last visited ~ they may have calmed down and grown up a bit since then!
however I do think if they are jumping on your furniture then it’s fine for YOU to say “get off that please!”

TenThousandSpoons · 04/04/2023 20:39

Surely it’s your turn to go there 🤔

TomatoSandwiches · 04/04/2023 20:40

Go ahead and let us know how that turns out 😂

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Families

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 04/04/2023 20:40

I'd just make excuses or offer to meet half way for the day.

Eggseggseverywhere · 04/04/2023 20:41

Just say due to the current renovations house rules are now in place. If she is happy to use them they are welcome..

GCRules · 04/04/2023 20:42

They're 3 years older. I'm sure it won't be the same.

Shutupyoutart · 04/04/2023 20:59

I wouldn't say that to her unless you want to fall out with a good friend, No good can come of being too honest here. Three years is a long time for kids they have prob chilled out a good bit since you last saw them. Can you use house renovation as an excuse and meet half way maybe have a mini break with all the kids somewhere? Or let them come and see how things are now 3 years on it may be completely different this time around. Good luck op it's a really tricky one.

BluetheBear · 04/04/2023 21:04

I wouldn't say that but maybe say something if their behaviour is too much when they are there.

as PP says, they are 3 years older

carameansbeloved · 04/04/2023 21:15

As others have said, a lot can change in three years. Is there a way to get the lay of the land in the meantime - as someone else suggested, meet half way for a day out or you visit them? If not,
and you can’t come up with a decent excuse, then you can cope with anything for 24 hours if needs be!

EllaPaella · 04/04/2023 21:23

You really can't say that, no need to be so blunt. She will take it as negative criticism. Either put her off by saying you're having renovations and the house isn't fit for visitors and suggest you go to hers instead, or you can just put up with it for 24 hours and hope they've changed and calmed down over the last 3 years! Other option is you both leave kids at home with your partners and have a night away together somewhere in the middle.

TheCatterall · 04/04/2023 21:28

I’d have some zoom/WhatsApp video calls whilst the kids are around to try and judge what they are like now and how well she keeps them in control if they start playing up?

But the renovations work is a good excuse to not have staying guests anytime soon.

Antiquiteas · 04/04/2023 21:43

It might not be the norm for your family, but roughhousing is normal for some families. They have likely grown up a bit in three years, anyway. I don’t think you can really say anything, but you can check her kids’ behaviour yourself if they’re being twats, surely? It’s your house.

ManchesterGirl2 · 04/04/2023 21:46

Agree with @Eggseggseverywhere .

Phrase it differently. "I'd love to see you. The horse is being renovated so it's not safe for kids to horseplay. I've trained my two to not fight or run or jump indoors, we ask all guests the same for everyone's safety. Would you prefer to come here, or we could meet up elsewhere for now?"

mephi · 04/04/2023 21:59

Definitely don't have them to stay. Meet them half way or just eliminate the whole kid-thing and meet with her individually. I did that with a couple of friends who I loved but didn't love their parenting or their DC. Sometimes joint parenting and overnights just doesn't mix with old-time long-term friends.

maddy68 · 04/04/2023 22:00

They are three years older. You've been friends for 40 years

Suck it up. It's for such a short time. Your kids aren't as perfect as you suggest. They would do things that your friend would be annoyed by if this was reversed

Fluffyrug191 · 04/04/2023 22:03

Are you my friend? 😂😂 Don't be a twat OP

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