Surrogacy Advice

[Cinderellaspumpkin]

I have a friend, who hasn't recently had a 3rd miscarriage, over 3 years TTC, ( all 3 happened around the 10-12 week pregnancy mark, although in all cases the baby stopped developing a couple of weeks beforehand). She is 38, ( turns 39 in June). Her fiance is 39. She has recently told me after having the third miscarriage that she is stopping TTC, as understandably doesn't want to experience another miscarriage. She would be an absolutely wonderful Mum, and is brilliant with my daughter, ( six months).

I had a very easy pregnancy with my daughter, ( no sickness). I'm 30, ( turn 31 in May).

I don't feel I could use my "own" egg, but would I be able to offer to be a surrogate using donor eggs, as she seems to be experiencing recurrent miscarriage ? They would be wonderful parents.

No money would need to change hands.

I know commercial surrogacy is rightly abhored on Mumsnet , but I feel this is altruistic and for the right reasons.

With regards to TFMR , ( should a fetal anomoly be diagnosed), they are strictly against termination in all circumstances so this wouldn't be an issue, ( I would personally never have a termination).

I feel the baby would likely grow up feeling very wanted.

I'd ideally , ( if they agreed) want to try it in another few months ?
would this really be so terrible ?

I'm just trying to sound things out really.

Has she brought up that she’s thinking of using a surrogate? If not, I wouldn’t ask her, it could come across as insensitive.

Yes,I really think this would be 'terrible.' Surrogacy in all forms should be banned.

Yes it's a terrible idea

You really need to think this through. It is not risk free. Suppose you die or end up sick or injured - what would happen to your own child.

It's an awful idea, not least because she hasn't asked you or even expressed an interest in looking at alternative options or fertility treatment.
It's also an awful idea because surrogacy comes with all sorts of potential problems, you could have any number of complications and your child would be the one who ends up suffering.
It's not your problem to solve.

It's a horrible idea. Someone put it beautifully the other day when they said that puppies have to stay with their mum for a minimum of however many weeks as it's vital for their health. Yet we think it is ok to be an incubator, pop out a baby, wrench it away from the one thing it's programmed to be attached to and give it to someone else. Surrogacy in all forms is disgusting.

It's a terrible idea, not least because she hasn't asked you.

I went through infertility. When a friend offered to be a surrogate out of the blue I was devastated.

Surrogacy is abhorent in every way. Please don't offer to do this. It could also end your friendship. There are lots of ways to support her through this, but this isn't one of them.

You want to create a baby that will be taken away from his/her mum. Just no.

It’s a beautiful thing that you want to help your friend in this way. But the fact that you are asking the question here shows the (appropriate) doubts you have. Can you really imagine feeling this baby grow in you and giving it away at birth? It’s dna being left in your body? Seeing it grow up from afar? And while the baby would be loved, knowing that its whole life it’s been separated from its birth mother? Maybe read a bit about the trauma of adoption to help you think it through. Many children need adoption but to create one for this purpose is cruel, in my view.

I don't think it's a terrible idea. I think ask her how she feels about surrogacy and go from there. Maybe do some more research first as you don't want to get their hopes up.

I have secondary infertility and had a few people suggest (not offer) surrogacy to me. I've never been offended, but it wasn't something I personally wanted.

Also, there are clinics for recurrent miscarriages. I've had four and am under a private clinic and receive treatment to try and prevent. The nhs is limited in what they can offer. I'm with CRP in epsom. Maybe though they're just done and want to move on with their lives.

You mention that they are strictly against abortion. What happens in the situation that continuing with the Pregnancy put your life at risk? What happens then? You have your daughter to think of. What impact will you being pregnant and then the baby being gone have on her?

Nobody has the right to have a child.

Surrogacy is wrong.

It's a really terrible idea. Unfortunately if you leave it till your mid or late 30s to TTC it's the chance you take. Also you have no idea if they will be brilliant parents.

Just to mention I had 3 miscarriages before having 2 successful pregnancies. I know other women who have had 4 or 5. Now I am not saying any woman should just keep on trying but it does seem quite common for some to have multiple miscarriages prior to a live birth. I was told if my 4th wasn't successful then I could have investigations to see if a problem could be ascertained. I would leave your friend alone in case that is happening.

It’s lovely of you to be considering surrogacy. I would be really sure though before offering it to your friend though. It is your body and your choice. The baby will bond with whoever cares for him/her from birth- it’s not going to scar them for life.