Don't want to be here

[Pheefifofuckthisshit]

I just don't want to be here.

I'm autistic and tired and overwhelmed.
I've two kids with different ages and needs. The youngest is RELENTLESS. I love the bones of him but he's driving me to the brink. The weight of long term responsibility for eldest is suffocating.

I am so so tired.

I can't imagine leaving my babies behind without a mum. But I also feel like I'm failing and I can't see how anything will get better.

Me and youngest both ended up in tears before he eventually gave in tonight and I feel terrible. I just don't want to be here. This is not how life should be. It's just too fucking hard.

Two weeks of Easter hols has begun and I just want to disappear but I can't.

Oh love, I am so sorry you feel so so bad. Do you have any practical day to day help?

Xx

Please stay here. Your children would be absolutely devastated to lose their mum at a young age. Maybe I have misread your tone and I hope I have but please try and reach out for practical help if you can. Are there any clubs the children can attend so you can have a break for a bit this holiday? Or do you have a partner to support you at all?

I'm so sorry life has dealt you a rough hand. Your children need you. You need more support. Tell us about what you have in place already?

You are loved and needed, please stay here 💐
Have you got anyone who can help you in a practical way today?

Please stay with us and talk. Is there anyone you can call IRL?

So sorry you are feeling this way. Please do stay around. It’s exhausting for you, that much comes through your message. Is there any real life help you can call in? 💐

Please call the Samaritans and/or your GP first thing today.

You need proper MH help and you WILL feel better in time

So so sorry its so tough right now,it will get easier. You aren't failing, just exhausted. Can you get someone to look after DC so you get a break? Its probably worth going to your GP as well as if your depressed medication and or counselling could help. If your DC have SEN is there any parent support groups locally that can offer friendship and support?
I hope tomorrow is a better day. Be kind to yourself, no one's perfect and I'm sure your DC think you are the best mum in the world. Try and get some sleep, it always feels worse in the middle of the night. Sending a hug.

I don't want to call anyone. Everyone is asleep and I hate phonecalls.

Eldest doesn't see his dad since lockdown one, when his dad declared he wouldn't be classing ds1 as part of his household. Before that he slept there one very short overnight a week.

Ex if youngest has them both one overnight midweek, one midweek tea tjme, and Sunday afternoon. All Sunday afternoon he was texting wanting to bring them home early, then when I said he couldn't asked if I'd pick them up, then when I couldn't brought them home late (we live walking distance).

Youngest is always hard to get to sleep but worse when he's been at his dad's. Ex reckons he didn't let him nap today/yesterday but youngest told me he did. He is very very intense and full on. I suspect AuDHD like me and his brother but no one wants to know.

I'm so sad and angry that I'm back being a solo parent. I wouldn't have had another if I knew it would turn out this way. I feel so bad for him, and for eldest, and also for myself that I'm back in a shitty situation.

I don't know what I can do. No, I know there's nothing I can do. This is how it is.

Youngest has 15 hrs funding. He goes Mondays and Fridays which doesn't work well during bank holiday periods. 😔

Eldest goes somewhere mon-wed 9-3 and I do the transporting him.

Eldest only goes term time though

❤️❤️❤️❤️

Hello OP,
We are really sorry to read you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].

We see that you are getting some wonderful support from other Mumsnetters which is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Wishing you the very best,
MNHQ💐

Hi - how is today going? Is there any help you can access? I was thinking of you and wondering how you were going on.

Hope you are ok.

I’m autistic/adhd too, and life is overwhelming at times (most of the time). I often feel so jealous of other people who seem to find things easy, the little things that should be easy in theory.

Theres been many times I’ve wondered what the point of my life is and thought it would be between if I wasn’t here, but the truth is I’m here for my children (also autistic) and I am their world; and I’m sure you are your children’s world too. Hold on ❤️

Sorry everyone. I've just been kind of on autopilot.

I have self referred for counselling. Not sure what the wait time is like. I bought a mental health "journal" type book to write a little in each day, and responsibilities wise I've been trying to just do what I can manage and think no more about anything I can't manage.

I looked at mental health crisis type phone line but I am scared they will try to admit me somewhere or something and I don't want that. My kids need me. I'm here for them.

I'm hoping the mnhq message is a standard copy and paste type message. I don't want anything from anyone, other than just a safe space on a thread to say what I can't say out loud. That life is hard and I'm struggling. 😔

The fact that you posted here instead of doing something else means that you would rather ask for help than do something drastic. From someone that has been in your position, I assure you it is safe to go to your GP. Mine referred me for counseling and in the mean time put me on sertraline. It honestly made a world of difference. It really doesn't have to be crisis or nothing, you are allowed to ask for help.

I looked at mental health crisis type phone line but I am scared they will try to admit me somewhere or something and I don't want that. My kids need me. I'm here for them.

That won't happen. They don't have those powers. Also, unless you tell them your name and address they won't know who you are! Please call if you can.

Hospitals are full, they don't want to admit people if they can possibly help it. It takes two approved MH professionals to decide to do that anyway, not someone on the end of a phone help line. Have you seen your GP? They can't admit you either, not alone. So don't be afraid to make an appointment or to tell them how you're feeling.

Even in the unlikely event that you do get admitted somewhere at some point, you'd be discharged again as soon as you're not a danger to yourself, often a matter of days rather than weeks or months.

It's good that you've done some things to help yourself. You need more helpful things and practical help too perhaps. Opening up to others can help you achieve this.

I'm hoping the mnhq message is a standard copy and paste type message. I don't want anything from anyone, other than just a safe space on a thread to say what I can't say out loud. That life is hard and I'm struggling

it is a copy and paste message, don’t think too much about it. I’m sorry you’re struggling OP I wish I had anything useful to say but I don’t - but I’m here and listening and I care about you.

please contact your GP if you can - I’m convinced sertraline saved my life so if you aren’t already taking anything I would urge you to speak to your GP about trying medication

@Pheefifofuckthisshit well done for seeking help. I agree with other posters that you need to see your gp, if you can. I'm on Citalopram and it has changed my life. Also, have a look at the Mind website. It has very good tips for getting through the worst moments (distraction techniques, for example). Keep writing in your journal and posting on here, it all helps 💐

Hi - good to know you reached out for help lovey; I can only reiterate what other OPs said and reassure that hospitals are full so I very much doubt you’d be admitted. Keep posting, there is a lot of good advice though I recognise you are feeling bad and advice is sometimes hard to “hear” or make sense if you get what I mean when you are feeling low. Take care, thinking of you.

I've been on sertraline/citalopram on and off most of my adult life.

It's helped when I've been struggling some times but not other times, and I've found the difference has been that when I've been struggling because life IS hard versus been struggling because my brain is making life hard eg a chemical imbalance like pnd/hormonal.

If it's my brain/body bringing on the black dog then meds have helped. If I've been struggling because life itself is just hard then meds don't change that. So I'm not eager to try meds at the mo knowing they won't change my life situation.

Talking to someone has always helped though regardless which is why I've self referred to let's talk.

I feel like I'm in a long loop. Like groundhog day but a daily one and also one that's a longer arc. Single parent again fourteen years after the first time. Health issues. Parent carer. Youngest likely neurodiverse too. Cost of living. Constant adulting to be done with an AuDHD brain etc.

Hopefully counselling will help.

I hope the counselling will help, a good counsellor can be a great sounding board. Your life is hard, you have a lot of responsibilities, I think most people would struggle, add in ADHD and autism then it will feel even more overwhelming. How you feel is understandable but imo even when there are sound logical reasons for feeling overwhelmed, medication and counselling can help you cope.
I hope you can find joy, even in small things - journaling and writing down gratitude's, even tiny things to be grateful for, is meant to be really beneficial if you keep it up, its something Ive been meaning to try but havent got round to!