Children away, what do I do with myself

[Bizzieizz]

My ex now has the children EOW.
This has been a long time coming and it’s something I’m not happy about, but there you go.

I do not trust my ex. There is a lot of safeguarding and there has been a history of DV, but Family court being Family court decided this in their wisdom.

Anyway, it’s been quite a while getting to this and I have had the children all day, every day for well over a year.
Now they aren’t here I don’t know what to do. I dreamt of alone time, but it’s Sunday, everyone I know is married and with their own families and I’m sort of stuck at home, watching films.
I feel out of sorts. Like there’s something huge missing, which there is, my children.
Ive been the main parent forever, I have work and I have my children and now I’m in this weird bit where I have my work, my kids and time with no kids.

Truthfully I don’t like it and I don’t know how I will do this all the time.

It does feel really unsettling at the beginning OP but it will get easier.
Get yourself some lovely food for tonight. Make a list of some nice things that you’d like to do but don’t normally have time for.
I frequently sit in total silence enjoying the peace when DD goes off to ex.

I feel all wrong, I really do.

I’m angry ex has them, the Family court just is not fit for purpose and he’s just lied endlessly to get to this point.

Alongside being on my own I am struggling with his smugness over having them.

That sounds very familiar. It is very, very difficult to get used to the huge change.
Can you visit or invite a friend over?

I wonder if you can adjust how you look at this time. I've had two periods of doing this and have learnt to cherish the advantages. Now I definitely look at it as very necessary recharge time when it means I can sit in encumbered by a moaning DP asking me what I am doing and why I want to watch. It means I can recharge, in order to look after young DC better and to look after myself. It works for me as I tend to be an all or nothing person and do really need time to switch off. I work hard and parent well I hope and carry most of the parenting weight tbh. When I had a partner around I never really got any rest as I was always seemingly 'on duty' whether to DC, DP (or us both 'parenting' which really meant just me tbh.) I was exhausted. It also now means my women friends are delighted to be able to come over to a child free house where I've also not had to get rid of a DP for the night order to have them round so we can all chat freely. They seem to see it as a female haven! It means I also have time to do some jobs - whether garden, DIY, shopping, without having to multitask with parenting. I also get myself nice food in, for me only, and have a list of things I really want to chill out on tv. Box sets etc. I love this time OP. I hope you can slowly find the many advantages in it and try not to worry about your DC in this window.

Do a deep clean/declutter one room.
Cook yourself something you really like that the dc don't.
Make plans with someone for 2 week's time. Have a look at local events and see what is coming up.
Make a list of everything that needs doing in the house and start figuring out how and when to do it.

You do get used to it. It took me about 18 months, then covid hit and changed the contact routine so then had to get used to it.

I usually do housework on Friday night and Saturday morning, then spend the afternoon chilling out or seeing friends. Before treating myself to an hour long soak in the bath where I know no-ones going to walk in on me to use the toilet.

I always get myself a nice meal for Saturday night or order a takeaway I know DD won't eat (like really spicy indian or thai).

I imagine in time I will get used to it. I think it’s raw because I’m quite opposed to it and despite them all being upset when they went he’s not even text to say they are ok. I can’t message him because of the way he is, he would delight in knowing I was worried and delight in ignoring the message.

I have been running on empty for a long time however. I’ve watched two films that I couldn’t watch with them around and have sat and done nothing all day.

I probably need more of a plan for these weekends.

Exactly OP. And if he felt you had learnt to relish the time to yourself he would be desperate for you not to have it! I think you learn eventually to harden your heart a little, become immune to the exhausting dynamic between him and you, and all those undercurrents, and focus instead on self preservation as well being the best person and parent you can be. However much you know that the other parent is 'not up to much', you can perhaps think as a mantra, 'it is best for the DC to spend time with both parents' as of course they will come to their own conclusions in time about the truth of it all... and sometimes it takes many years for them to see things as they really are. (Needless to say, there are of course exceptions to that, in circumstances where there are major risks for DC, but I'm assuming that's not the case here.) But in the meantime you can't do it all and some recuperation can be a good thing. As you say, planning a list can be helpful. In my second and more recent separation I spend the first few months manically doing loads of jobs I hadn't been able to do for years! The house ended up amazingly clean and sorted. I enjoyed having interesting podcasts on that kept my mind occupied as I did things. Now I end up either with girlfriends here or films and nice snacks for myself just hiding out because I'm so knackered from work and childcare! Occasionally I get out to bigger events or something more scheduled. Sometimes I catch up with a backlog of work. It will get better and it's definitely an adjustment,but in time I think you do get to see the advantages and I have ended up having friends who sometimes feel envious that I can have some of that adult life that they could never have back and freedom to book the occasional time away for activities or a break without DC.

This happened to me too. It is such a bitter pill to swallow. I recommend boxsets. A bath, podcast and glass of wine. Getting super ahead with Christmas. You've time to wander and gather bargains. Devluttering to be ahead of the tidying when you're all home together. Batch cooking. The haven for ladies is shit. I hate being prisoner to company that doesn't go home. It's okay now and again but I certainly wouldn't be making a routine of it.

Party!!!!

Oops that was flippant. Look after yourself. Take long baths if you have a bath. Put on face masks. Paint nails. Basically all the thing the thing you ever wanted to do but had to stop because of the many interruptions.

My friend was in a similar situation. Shattered because she had had the children all the time while also going through an extremely rough divorce (it was unbelievable what weird ideas he had to force her to stay). But also so worried what their weekend would be like.
But as PP said, she got used to it, realized that even though she hated her ex so much, the children didn't and needed to see him.
And after a few weekends by herself she slowly started using them for things that needed to be done without the children, and a bit later also for things she enjoyed.
This was in 2018 I think and by now she can fully unwind on her weekends alone and has more energy to care for her DC when they return on Sunday nights.

Oh, and it helped a lot when she got the older one a mobile phone. She did that earlier than she would have done in a different situation, I don't know how old your DC are. Because the situation seems similar, he absolutely enjoyed the thought that she was worrying and had no means to hear from/ about the children

have a lie in, a long bath in peace, catch up on chores, get ahead of yourself by batch cooking for the week ahead, do some exercise, meet up with friends, go to a museum or gallery that they wouldn't appreciate, have something nice for dinner that the kids don't like, or just spend the day slobbing in your PJs and eating pot noodles cos no one will know/care/disturb you!!