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Original poster

He does not understand

7 replies

Hedontgetit · 02/04/2023 14:21

DD has a social worker. I won't go into detail about why. But if it needs to be said I will do in my other posts . So social worker works with her and the family as her support system. She has 2 children. One is 5 the other she just Gave birth to. Anyway as part of her support plan . GS is staying with me for a bit whilst she rests, settles with baby etc. I'm not 100% on how long that will be for . As dd gave birth 4 weeks early so there's not been a clear plan.

My partner who I have children with. But we don't live together. Keeps going on about GS going home. Like when I said dd left hospital this morning his reply is. She's on her was to get GS . And I say no she's not . I got to have him for a bit. When I have told him several times . Its a plan set out by the social worker.

At one point GS was on PLO. Also my other son had tried to end his life there's Been alot of vulnerability and mental health issues .

So there's been a hell of a lot going on. But partner does not get it 3 weeks after ds tried to end his life partner was trying to make arrangements for me and his 2 kids to go to him for the weekend. He's also making comments about GS being here basically because he wants to come here. There's nothing to stop him coming to get his kids and taking them for a couple of days.

I don't think he's meaning any harm, but it makes Me feel guilty. But also a bit frustrated that he does not seem to understand theses are long term problems and my kids are going to need me for quite a while.

On his part he's wanting us to depend time together. He's always going on about us going up to London to see a show. Going out for a meal and to a hotel.. one day going away for the weekend. He seems do excited and is speaking with his heart. And I feel so guilty because I'm not in the position to do them things ad the moment.

OP posts:
Anothergeneralisation · 02/04/2023 14:46

It seems he has very different priorities.
GS is a child and absolutely needs to come first at the moment, so there really isn’t any need for you to feel guilty.
If your partner is making you feel guilty then it’s really shitty of him imo.

Unicorn34 · 02/04/2023 14:52

Hi. This sounds difficult for you. Personally I have to deal with being pulled in different directions by some family members so one thing I've learned is to soften my responses but to stay firm - such as if my husband wanted to do something but I couldn't go, I would say "that sounds like a great idea and I'd love to do it, but it just needs to wait until xyz then we can definitely look into it". It says to the other person that their thoughts are valid but you need to be ready. Another thing I say is when a discussion is looming that will turn into an argument, is "yes I agree we need to talk about it as its important, but not today". It again validates someone's thoughts and feelings but you don't have the energy today.

Your gs needs you more than anyone at the moment, stick to your guns and don't feel guilty - you have nothing to feel guilty about. You are supporting a child, your partner is an adult!

Original poster
Hedontgetit · 02/04/2023 15:37

Unicorn34 · 02/04/2023 14:52

Hi. This sounds difficult for you. Personally I have to deal with being pulled in different directions by some family members so one thing I've learned is to soften my responses but to stay firm - such as if my husband wanted to do something but I couldn't go, I would say "that sounds like a great idea and I'd love to do it, but it just needs to wait until xyz then we can definitely look into it". It says to the other person that their thoughts are valid but you need to be ready. Another thing I say is when a discussion is looming that will turn into an argument, is "yes I agree we need to talk about it as its important, but not today". It again validates someone's thoughts and feelings but you don't have the energy today.

Your gs needs you more than anyone at the moment, stick to your guns and don't feel guilty - you have nothing to feel guilty about. You are supporting a child, your partner is an adult!

That's how I feel, that kids always come first no matter what.

He can be very hard to communicate with as he has hearing problems. Its extremely frustrating as I will be having a deep/important conversation with him. He will reply things such as . Yes that's fine. Oh yeah OK. Yeah I get that ... then a short while later he will say something and I realise he's not heard a word I have said. Then I just reek totally deflated and yhink what's the point .

He sometimes eye rolls huffs and puffs as well. I don't know if its just general frustration or he's being nasty. But either way it makes me feel shit . He shows empathy kind of. By saying yeah you got alot on your plate. It's a shit situation. But I Just don't think he truly gets it.

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Gymnopedie · 02/04/2023 18:45

How much interest does he show in his own DCs? Does he see them as basically yours? It sounds like it, and if that's his attitude he's really not going to like having another one ruining his plans.

I think you need to put the situation very clearly in words of one syllable - maybe write it rather than saying it if he's not going to hear it (is he genuinely deaf or is it selective deafness when he doesn't want to hear what you're saying?). Tell him this is the way things are, and will be for as long as you are needed. Then don't engage. Just tell him he knows your position and it hasn't changed, then either change the subject or leave the room.

Original poster
Hedontgetit · 02/04/2023 21:57

Gymnopedie · 02/04/2023 18:45

How much interest does he show in his own DCs? Does he see them as basically yours? It sounds like it, and if that's his attitude he's really not going to like having another one ruining his plans.

I think you need to put the situation very clearly in words of one syllable - maybe write it rather than saying it if he's not going to hear it (is he genuinely deaf or is it selective deafness when he doesn't want to hear what you're saying?). Tell him this is the way things are, and will be for as long as you are needed. Then don't engage. Just tell him he knows your position and it hasn't changed, then either change the subject or leave the room.

No he does having hearing problems. He's now completely deaf in one ear. Can hear from his other ear with a hearing aid.even with hearing aids I don't think he can hear that great.

I think possibly he sees it that dd is 25 and should be fully looking after her own children. I don't think he really understands that when professionals such social services are involved dd has to have a good support system.

He has 2 kids with me. In general terms he's ok with my other kids . He will often take my 12 year old with the 2 younger ones for the weekend. We sometimes go out for meals or day trips as a whole family. He treats them and stuff.

I don't think he's ever had to deal with hard situations. So I don't think he gets it .

And yes he knows thats how it it. And it's nkt going to change until my chukdren are in a different place mentally and in life generally.

Honestly I would love to be able to just go out. But I can't. That's life I choose to have kids . OK some are adults but they will always come first until they don't need me so much. And GS will 100% come first along with my own children. Maybe when I'm 70 we can share oap fish and chips 😅

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 02/04/2023 22:14

I don't understand why your 'partner' objects to you having your little grandson stay with you. He's only five after all, can't take up that much room and he needs you at the moment. Stick to your guns. It sounds as though there are a few children in your home so why would one more make any difference? Poor little lad.

Original poster
Hedontgetit · 02/04/2023 23:14

LBFseBrom · 02/04/2023 22:14

I don't understand why your 'partner' objects to you having your little grandson stay with you. He's only five after all, can't take up that much room and he needs you at the moment. Stick to your guns. It sounds as though there are a few children in your home so why would one more make any difference? Poor little lad.

He is a little hard work. But its not him looking after GS. But yeah he's only 5. And he just blends in.

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