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Original poster

Controlling parents

27 replies

Wackowacko · 02/04/2023 08:50

NC for this. DD is year 11 and has had a friend all the way through school since reception. They were in separate classes when they started secondary and drifted apart for a while but have become close again. We’ve always thought that the friend had strict parents, but she has recently been confiding in DD and I wondered if there is anything that could be done.
She is the youngest child, an older sibling left home several years ago. At primary the friend was never allowed to play at friends, never had anyone at hers, no birthday parties, no school trips. She has never done any extracurricular activity like brownies or dance, nothing.
Neither parent works. Both parents take her to school and pick her up, she isn’t allowed to use public transport. She does not have a mobile or any form of social media. She tells DD that she has no TV or music at home. She has access to a laptop to do school work but this is monitored by parents. She is not allowed to socialise, never been to a sleepover or day out.
They are year 11 so there is a lot of extra revision going on, she is not allowed to attend anything. Parents refused to give permission for a compulsory free field trip. There have been various trips to sixth forms and universities, including oxbridge colleges but she was not allowed to go. Parents have already decided her A levels and she tells DD that she will have to attend the nearest uni and live at home, Parents has already said he will drive her there and back. She isn’t allowed to go to prom.
DD says the girl is PP so some trips etc would be paid for by school. The girl gets free school meals but is not allowed any junk food or treats and parents monitor what she’s bought through Edulink.
There are no cultural reasons involved as far as I know, family are white British. They do attend church on a Sunday but apart from that and school, the girl stays at home.
The girl has confided in DD about how unhappy she is and I’m worried about her. School were informed by another parent a few years ago but the girl is clean, fed and doing well at school.
Any advice ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wackowacko · 02/04/2023 17:16

Bump

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 02/04/2023 17:26

It's good she is confiding in your dd. Could you get the parents number and invite her over to study with your dd? Just to get her out of her house. Your dd should encourage her to open up to a teacher/ chaplain/ year head or whoever is in the school. Maybe your dd could go with her to this chat if she was open to that. Just take one step at a time. Do you know if this girls sibling ever comes home or is she gone gone which wouldn't be surprising.

Think the school would want to know as she is practically a prisoner in her own house.

Original poster
Wackowacko · 02/04/2023 17:32

She isn’t allowed to other people’s houses. I’n going to email the year head with my concerns. I don’t think there’s any contact with the older sister

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Greenshake · 02/04/2023 17:37

Yes I would be raising this as a safeguarding concern with the school, if not Childrens Services. Well done for caring to you and your daughter 🌷

electricmoccasins · 02/04/2023 17:43

Behaviour such as this is now covered by the Serious Crime Act 2015. It is a form of cohesive control and emotion abuse now considered to be domestic violence. You need to raise this with the school’s DSL one of whom will be the Headteacher. However, there should be a lead DSL who is part of the senior management team, and this should be clearly indicated on the school website. You need to act to save this girl. Thank you for caring.

Original poster
Wackowacko · 02/04/2023 18:00

Thank you, will be doing something

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coffeeisthebest · 02/04/2023 18:33

Crikey this is really complex. Thank goodness she has friends still as she has effectively been isolated by her parents. I have had dealings with parents with what I thought were controlling behaviours over the years which actually pale in comparison to this. So yes I also agree with contacting safeguarding and having a discussion.

Original poster
Wackowacko · 02/04/2023 18:43

I do think it’s the dad and mum is also being controlled. He did work when they started primary but left not long after, I don’t know why.

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Original poster
Wackowacko · 02/04/2023 20:46

DD wants the girl to confide in someone at school but she doesn’t want to

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Danielle9891 · 02/04/2023 20:59

Poor girl.
There's definitely some abuse going on here. I'm surprised the school didn't pick up on it. Luckily your daughter confided in you as it seems you're the only one who can get help for this girl.
I'd email the school and get in contact with child services. Fingers crossed this girl gets help.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 02/04/2023 21:05

Does dd agree the girl's safety goes above dd keeping it quiet?
Sadly I reported 2 girl's my dd's witnessed being abused in their own home (to school as I just had names...)
SS went to speak to them at home. They weren't allowed to hang out with dd's anymore. No regrets though. Those girls still look 'haunted'..

Thisgirlcan21 · 02/04/2023 21:09

Could your daughter go with her to speak to the school pastoral care team? Or school nurse/school counsellor. I don’t know how much they can do if she is looked after but I think she should be able to choose her own a levels with the schools help? I hope she rebels hugely and has a great time at some point!

Sandwidged · 02/04/2023 21:12

Report to school safeguarding lead

EasterEggBunny · 02/04/2023 21:18

Year 11, so she's over 16 or not quite yet? She can live where she likes once she's adult so the obvious solution is to help her to leave. The parents can't decide her university or insist she lives at home. It's harder if she has to find it al herself with no parental support but it is possible. University isn't the only option either, the girl could get a job and a flat share. The older sibling might be in a position to help if they knew the situation and DD friend was able to contact them. I'd offer a younger sibling a place to stay in those circumstances, even if I didn't know them well. What paid apprenticeship jobs/training is available to 16yr olds? A levels might not be the best option. The girl could do with building some savings to give her more options in future, perhaps possible if she has somewhere else to live other than with parents. Contact Women's Aid and see if they can help her too.

MedievalNun · 02/04/2023 21:18

In addition to school, can you talk to the local police force's DV unit? They are trained to recognise coercive control and can bring in SS too - unfortunately SS being so overworked they don't necessarily spot CC and as you say may just go 'ah just strict parents' rather than actually take note of what is going on.

I also think your DD is being a fantastic friend to this girl; she's done everything right by coming to you and asking for your help. Good for you too for trying to help.

Good luck.

Original poster
Wackowacko · 02/04/2023 21:21

I think the older sister rebelled. Never spoke properly to either parent except a nod ‘hello’, they are always together though.

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jessyjo2 · 02/04/2023 21:37

Thats very sad. Do u know anything about the type of church they attend? Could it be on religious grounds. Maybe useful to know the beliefs of their church.

Weallgottachangesometime · 02/04/2023 21:43

Oh god this sounds absolutely miserable for the poor girl. Regardless of any culture or religious aspects, it is Unreasonable to expect her to have no independence at all at that age.

personally I would be tempted to both email the school and contact local children’s social care. It may not reach their threshold but that’s all you can do really.

Hopefully your daughter can continue to be a good friend to her. Maybe your daughter could encourage her to talk to her form tutor at school too.

Original poster
Wackowacko · 02/04/2023 21:44

It’s CofE , the girls went to the adjoining primary

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Original poster
Wackowacko · 02/04/2023 21:58

I’m going to message everyone suggested. DD is going into school this week for revision so she said she’d see if her Year Head was about

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Chocolatehippychick · 02/04/2023 22:02

Johovahs Witnesses perhaps? Some went to my dcs school and they don't celebrate birthdays or allow their dcs to socialise with other dcs outside of their faith.

Original poster
Wackowacko · 02/04/2023 22:12

No they’re not JW

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coffeeisthebest · 03/04/2023 09:21

I don't think the nature of their religion matters, that is their own business, it's what they are doing that counts and the impact on their daughter. I would just encourage you and your daughter to speak up and let someone who knows what they are looking for look into it

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 03/04/2023 09:25

If it is Anglican and you have a sensible Vicar, it might be worth discussing this with them. They might have some insight into what is going on with the family.

Magenta82 · 03/04/2023 09:26

Wackowacko · 02/04/2023 21:58

I’m going to message everyone suggested. DD is going into school this week for revision so she said she’d see if her Year Head was about

I think this is a good idea, I'm glad this girl has someone looking out for her.