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Original poster

How do you get a depressed ASD teen out of bed?

27 replies

muppetmayhem · 01/04/2023 22:54

She sleeps all day. Barely washes. She has ASD and ADD. At the moment she is on shut down.

She is under camhs, she goes to college begrudgingly. Now we are on Easter hols, she knows she doesn’t have to get up.

I am by myself with zero help and I have to go to work so I leave her in bed and then she is still in her nightgown when I get home. Has barely eaten.

Im waiting for a call back from the doctor as I want her to have a blood test.

Her skin is pale and she has massive dark eyes, her teeth are getting more yellow by the minute. Camhs keep suggesting apps. I’ve had her in therapy that didn’t work. She is on anti depressants that doesn’t seem to work.

she has no friends. I’m at a loss.

OP posts:
Original poster
muppetmayhem · 02/04/2023 20:05

Anyone?

OP posts:
Jellycats4life · 02/04/2023 20:08

Will she let you mother her and care for her? Make her meals and drinks, giver her affection, offer to run her a bath and wash hair for her?

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 02/04/2023 20:14

You can tell her that the smell is not welcome in your house. That separates it from her.

What sort of things does she usually eat? Could you make her a sort of grazing tray/asd tapas before you go in the morning?

Could you get her to watch the spark thing (what's it called? About asd teen girl). Might make her feel less alone.

Does she have a special interest?

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General health
Thelittlekingdom · 02/04/2023 20:21

Honestly over the Easter holidays I would let her do very little. Talk to her that the minimal she needs to do is wash and brush her teeth. Very little other demands. Maybe a quiet walk when you’re off work but I’d dial back any demands. I know as a mum you naturally want to fix it and help her but you might find she just needs a break.

HeidiWhole · 02/04/2023 20:31

If she's burnt out it's best to just remove the majority of demands and just look after her as if she were ill with flu or something. The usual rules really just don't apply. If she's going to college she's doing pretty well!
If you don't already belong I'd recommend (as always) joining a FB group called Parenting Mental Health that advocates partnering rather than parenting through difficult times. There are also groups giving specific help and support for autistic girls and women which are invaluable.
If her AD meds aren't working go back to CAMHS and ask for a change. They are supposed to help and the right one could be out there for her.
You have my sympathy OP I know how hard it is.

Singleandproud · 02/04/2023 20:33

I know you shouldn't have too but have you tried babying her?
Make a visual timetable even if she doesn't normally need one.
Lay her clothes out
Put toothpaste on brush.
Run her Bath
Make her lunch and put it somewhere in sight.
Fill a water bottle with water.
When you get home make a 10 minute walk non negotiable with you, perhaps follow a route on her phone so she can see the route and countdown of time and distance or maybe use Pokemin Go or similar. If she doesn't want to go out during the day a night time walk in the dark maybe more successful.

Yes she's 15 and should do all of the above independently and may be able to at other time but if she's on shutdown taking any of the decision making out of the situation might help.

Axahooxa · 02/04/2023 20:35

My daughter goes through this too. You both have my full sympathy- I know how hard it is.

I leave her a tray of some snacks in her room- some of her favourites, some fruit she might eat, etc. Lots of drinks.

i ask if I can put the shower on and get her towel, etc, and say it might feel nice. I’ve stopped pushing the issue when she’s really shutting down though.

I used to try the ‘tough love’ approach and try to make her do stuff- realised this doesn’t work for her at all.

Have you tried National autistic society?

Axahooxa · 02/04/2023 20:37

College: is it possible a reduced timetable might be appropriate for a couple of weeks?
is she being out at end of terms?

Axahooxa · 02/04/2023 20:37

*burnt

Original poster
muppetmayhem · 02/04/2023 20:41

I always say please do basic things, please get up and brush your teeth at least.

She showers once a week at the moment but she doesn’t actually smell. I tell her if she doesn’t want to shower fine but she needs to wash herself.

I make sure she has all her favourite foods in the house. If she has ran out of cereal she won’t eat anything and will text me I’ve run out of cereal. We have a shop about a four minute walk away. I say you’ll need to go to the shop but she would just go hungry.

I try and coax her out a little bit but she just doesn’t want too.

OP posts:
universityhelp · 02/04/2023 20:43

I had this for years - still do to some extent but it has got much better/more manageable. The only thing my dd has suggested that might help is getting her up for a cooked breakfast or some similar reason. In your position, I have to agree it's really good your dd is still attending college and so I would let her have at least a week of lazing, then try to step up a bit if possible. When we have weeks on end with no commitments I try to incorporate a few odd days out etc just to reset their bodyclock as mine has a tendency turn nocturnal.

DoeRayMe · 02/04/2023 21:15

I have a 17 yo ASD son In similar situation. Don't expect CAMHS to help, they're useless. All they are there for is to keep children alive till they are 18 and adult mental health takes over.

Im sorry you're also in this position but i have no useful answers for you.

Wavingnotdrown1ng · 02/04/2023 21:33

I’ve been there too. Like others have suggested, babying works with showers. I have to sit in the bathroom and pass the products over and act as moral support. Bribery also works for getting her out of the house for a walk or a day out. However, we have many weekends where she won’t leave her room. I do know that tough love and forcing the issue don’t work with autistic teen girls. She is doing really well to go to college and it will take so much out of her. We have begun to shift from several years of what you describe, at various times, and what has made the difference is that she has decided that she wants to change and live a healthier life. I second having the ADs adjusted because there will possibly be one that’s a better fit. I do know that there aren’t that many that they will prescribe to under 18s, though.

Singleandproud · 02/04/2023 21:43

If she's texting you to ask for more cereal she's asking for help surely. Yes you would tell a typical teen to go to the shop and buy some more if they want it but not one with depression and ASD amid a shutdown. That's just too many steps to accomplish at the minute.

Having food in the house wouldn't work for my DD as she doesn't really recognize hunger, just knows she 'should' eat 3 meals a day. It needs to be easy to see and then she'll eat it, so if I'm at work and I know she's struggling I just make a plate up and cover it and leave it where she can see it, otherwise its out of sight out of mind.

As part of our routine DD has to be up, washed and dressed before I go to work even if she puts on lounge wear and crashes on the sofa and goes back to sleep. During a shutdown she would manage a bath that I'd run but not a shower. Build a new routine with her if those are your boundaries.

Jellycats4life · 02/04/2023 22:16

muppetmayhem · 02/04/2023 20:41

I always say please do basic things, please get up and brush your teeth at least.

She showers once a week at the moment but she doesn’t actually smell. I tell her if she doesn’t want to shower fine but she needs to wash herself.

I make sure she has all her favourite foods in the house. If she has ran out of cereal she won’t eat anything and will text me I’ve run out of cereal. We have a shop about a four minute walk away. I say you’ll need to go to the shop but she would just go hungry.

I try and coax her out a little bit but she just doesn’t want too.

You’re expecting her to do all these things herself but currently she’s too burned out to do so.

If her autism sometimes presents as demand avoidance, saying “please brush your teeth/shower”, stocking the kitchen or expecting her to go to the shop just isn’t going to work.

That’s why I suggested that she needs you to mother her and take care of her right now. Show her that you understand that she’s suffering.

iusedtobeasize8 · 02/04/2023 22:21

I give my depressed asd ds guidelines as to how the following day will go.
For example. Yes you can have a lie in but if you're not up by 10am I will physically get you up.
Shower as soon as they get up. Breakfast. Plan for the day.
Even getting through these steps is a triumph if you have a depressed teen.
On occasion I can get him outside bit usually opening the bedroom windows and blinds help.

crazyBadger · 02/04/2023 22:37

My DD is 17 and the same except college asked her to leave, so she does nothing all day every day. Won't get up,wont wash, dress, walk dog, make food ( same thing if what she wants isn't available she just won't eat) spends time in the echo chamber of online groups

Under camhs, who helpfully told her they can't help... GP can't until she's 18. Apparently adult my health services kick in at 16+6 months... But no telling if they will take her

Have exhausted all avenues for help, and nothing from anywhere, occasionally get added to another waiting list.

It's shit and likely only to get worse

OriginalUsername2 · 02/04/2023 22:57

I’ve found reading books by other women with ASD to be much more helpful and motivating than any services for myself and my DD. Could you buy her a little pile of these books from Amazon?

The services out there are terrible, patchy and frustrating.

Axahooxa · 03/04/2023 00:20

How long has she been in shutdown?

TomeTome · 03/04/2023 00:29

Change her bedding. Clean the bedroom together. Would she paint her room? She needs a new craze to fill her time and pull her back. Treat her like someone recovering from illness. No criticism and things to tempt her out of her room and back to a better routine. Do you have a garden? What about planting a flower garden or building a miniature world.

Original poster
muppetmayhem · 03/04/2023 20:22

Thank you for your replies.

She has been like this on and off for about two months. She no longer has any friends they seem to garage dropped her. I could cry all day for her honestly.

I left the house this morning at 7am and I got back in at 6 - she has had a couple of cereals and some snacks that were in the cupboard. I made her some pasta when I got in.

She will text me at work often up to 80 times a day. Sometimes just random words and that is fine because I know she is alive!

I have prepared her for having a blood test at some point over the holidays.

I’m just so bloody worried all the time, I have a pit it fear constantly in my stomach.

OP posts:
Axahooxa · 03/04/2023 23:55

I can understand why you feel so fearful. Keep in mind- this isn’t forever. Things can and will change. You’re being a great mum and doing everything you can for her.

Avarua2 · 04/04/2023 01:35

I have prepared her for having a blood test at some point over the holidays.

This is a good idea as it sounds like her diet isn't that varied so there's probably some vitamin deficiencies going on.

How difficult. I have massive sympathy with you, and other ASD parents. So, so hard.

Theoldwoman · 04/04/2023 01:40

She sounds like she’s struggling with you being gone for 11 hours a day. That’s a long day for her.

I am in a similar position to you so I know the struggle is real.