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Original poster

Really struggling with 16 year old ds. Feeling depressed.

19 replies

losenotloose · 01/04/2023 19:43

He's being so unpleasant at the moment I don't even want to be in the same room as him. He's in sixth form and his attendance is terrible (70%). He was off for 3 days last week for a bad hair cut. I obviously wasn't happy about this but to make it worse he then went to a rave at the weekend. Apparently he didn't mind because he was never going to see those people again.

I gave him less lunch money this week since he wasn't eating out last week. Normally I would have given it to him anyway but I feel he is taking the piss at the moment. He had a tantrum about this because he'd spent the money at the weekend. To cut a long story short, he went onto my phone and transferred money to himself. I only found out because I was paying a bill. His attitude is it was his money and I should have given it to him.

He's now just told us that we have no respect for him and won't have a good relationship with us when he leaves home. There's so much more I could write. I'm feeling so depressed.

OP posts:
Original poster
losenotloose · 01/04/2023 21:03

Anyone? Advice or even reassurance would be nice.

OP posts:
CheshireCats · 01/04/2023 21:06

How could he have got on your banking app? He must know your phone password and banking passwords to do that?

Original poster
losenotloose · 01/04/2023 21:09

He knows my phone password (never been an issue before) and PayPal automatically logs in. I've changed my phone password now but I should be able to trust him. He genuinely feels no remorse.

OP posts:
Ponderoveryonder · 01/04/2023 21:09

Well a couple of points…
if he wants money he gets a JOB, and put a passcode on your phone. How bloody dare he?
Call college and be open and honest with the attendance officer, get them to call him in for a meeting and issue him with some ultimatums.

Polik · 01/04/2023 21:10

Thats theft and totally unacceptable. Its a boundary crossed. He must pay that back and there needs yo be consequences- ideally monitory based so that the consequences link to actions.

As well as that - he needs to get a part time job. Time to pull back on subsidising the entitled behaviour

OhDearWhyAmIFatterly · 01/04/2023 21:10

I feel your pain. My year 12 Ds can be very unpleasant. I would just like him to speak to me nicely. He just demands all the time and it's exhausting arguing all the time. I can see why parents give up and give in to their child's demands because it's absolutely relentless

Original poster
losenotloose · 01/04/2023 21:11

I've told him he needs to get a job but apparently sixth form and the gym is enough responsibility. I've been in contact with sixth form, they put him on a two week report. Once that was over he went back to his old ways. They don't seem to be bothered and he basically thinks he's untouchable.

OP posts:
Ponderoveryonder · 01/04/2023 21:11

You’ll also find that when he realises not everything is handed to him on a plate, when he learns he has to turn up to work in order to get paid, he won’t have nearly as much time for raving. Plenty of time for that at university.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/04/2023 21:12

I'd be bringing the hammer down. How fucking dare he steal from you? This boy needs to bear the brunt of consequences. No more money, no phone, no WiFi. Don't walk on eggshells around your own child.

Pootlie · 01/04/2023 21:12

Don't know if this will help but I was a vile teen and dropped out of school. By 17 I was enrolled at college and then went to university, now good job, homeowner, dc all round upstanding citizen.

I have spent all my adult life trying to make it up to my parents.

I'm sure all will be well. Just disengage if you can.

Original poster
losenotloose · 01/04/2023 21:13

I've already gotten the money back. I'm shocked at his blasé attitude, like he had to steal and it's my fault. He hates us right now and I end up feeling like I've seriously screwed up somewhere

OP posts:
Original poster
losenotloose · 01/04/2023 21:15

@Aquamarine1029 you're absolutely right. Unfortunately I have horrible low self esteem so at the back of my mind I feel like it's all my fault.

@Pootlie I really hope he feels like this in the future. He hates us right now.

OP posts:
Tiggy321 · 01/04/2023 21:17

I feel your pain too. Have been there with 1 of my teens (now 21). My 17 yr old DD is in similar moods too. It's hard, bloody hard. I have no words of wisdom, just solidarity. Things have to get better. Take care of yourself

Choconuttolata · 01/04/2023 21:21

That is theft. I would remove all luxuries that you have paid for phone, gaming consoles and he could take sandwiches for lunch. If he wants money to rave then he can get a job. Nothing is free in life. Why should you work hard for that money to give to him if he is not going to appreciate what you do for him? Tell him respect is a two way street and he has just disrespected you by stealing from you. He needs to earn your respect by going to College and working hard. If he is prepared to do that then he can earn back his access to luxuries, which are not rights.

Original poster
losenotloose · 01/04/2023 21:23

@Tiggy321 thank you 🙏
The lack of empathy is shocking. Has your 21 year old improved?

OP posts:
usernamechanged1 · 01/04/2023 21:24

As others have said, withdraw everything from him. Phone, consoles, lunch money, wifi access. This is your home, you pay the bills and he’s got the audacity to steal from you. I’d go through him like a dose of the shits, personally.

People treat us how we allow them to. Draw a line under this right now and show him that he needs to grow up.

Tiggy321 · 01/04/2023 21:30

losenotloose · 01/04/2023 21:23

@Tiggy321 thank you 🙏
The lack of empathy is shocking. Has your 21 year old improved?

Mostly yes he has. He certainly doesn't steal from me anymore- thank god. That was a very low point for me. My 17 yr old DD has an entitlement that is unbelievable! Never grateful for anything. She now has a job 2 nights a week so gets no money from us. I think the behaviour stems from being deeply unhappy (she is seeing a psychologist to get to the root of it). my middle son is the absolute opposite of his siblings - grateful, thoughtful, generally lovely to be around !! No idea where I went wrong but like you I feel like their behaviour is a failure of my parenting skills :(

Dazzz13 · 12/10/2023 23:36

He needs a kick up the arse!! I agree 100% with some of the comments here. Firstly he wants money GREAT, get him on LinkedIn to do some part job and then maybe the "respect" might up his game. Speaking of games ... I would be taking any Nintendo DS or PS5 away for 2 weeks for transferring the money and grounded for going to the rave. Let's see if he pulls the same s*t then. Forgive me for being born in 1988 but f*K me, if I did that my Dad would have kicked me so hard I'd have gone from the living room to my bedroom quicker than Johnny Sexton kicking a ball between the rugby posts!

Ladyj84 · 13/10/2023 00:05

Unfortunately if your raised to expect everything, allowed to talk back etc then you reap the rewards

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