My brother died. Why am I reacting this way?

[helpmehelpmybrother]

My brother died 4 weeks ago. Although he had a chronic condition that is not what killed him. It was sudden and unexpected and there will be an inquest.

I loved my brother dearly. He was kind and generous and adored our children. When my parents died I felt awash with grief, my tears flowed easily and I felt overwhelmed by it.

Since my brother died I have only cried a handful of times. When I've seen something he'd like or thought of something I'd like to tell him. But there's no overwhelming feeling of grief or sadness. Just exhaustion. I'm not sleeping and my life feels like it's happening in slow motion. I'm tired all the time. I don't know if it's just still some kind of shock, not only that he'd died but it was so sudden but also that it may not needed to have happened.

My mind is running at 100mph all the time and I just want it to slow down and grieve for my brother. His funeral is this week and I am hoping that will help.

I am so sorry for your loss. Grief is such a strange thing, there are no rights or wrongs, no blueprint for “this is how I handle it”. Different relationships, different situations, different times. Be kind to yourself, it does sound like you are in shock.

I'm so sorry for your loss

Grief is so very unpredictable, it can hit in such different ways. It sounds to me like you're in shock still, perhaps your brain trying to protect you.

Will you have some loved ones around you at the funeral? I hope as you say that it helps and maybe lets you begin to process some of the emotions, but it might be that it takes more time than that, please take it easy on yourself.

I wonder if we have an inbuilt protection system . It's clearly not the same but when my young horse died unexpectedly the grief was overwhelming and I gave my self ulcers through stress . For every death after this I have felt strangely detached . An immediate sadness but then a practical calm . I also get don't have the real depth of grief as before .

So sorry for your loss OP. All I can say is everyone's grief is different.

When my son died, his eldest sister went into organising mode. She dealt with everything that we needed to do with his repatriation (son died in Australia) and the funeral arrangements. She really struggles now, has ptsd and has had counselling.

Middle sister, cried constantly and still does, over 2 years later. But can't talk about him.

Youngest sister has hardly ever cried. Very rarely talks about him.

What I do know though, is all 3 miss him terribly, and it hits them all at different times in different ways.

I wish I could give you some words of comfort but I can't, as I say everyone is different and not everyone goes through the weeping and wailing type of grief, but that doesn't mean your not grieving. ❤

It will come when it comes - don’t rush or expect anything. When my mum died I pretty much stopped sleeping and asked for some tablets, I only had few but just one or two decent nights made all the difference. As others have said we all grieve differently and find our own way of coping. Be gentle with yourself and I’m so sorry for your loss.

Be kind to yourself ❤️

Sometimes those grief emotions start immediately someone dies, sometimes it's takes weeks or months. It maybe that your grief is actually so intense that you are protecting yourself by not going there yet.

Do not worry about how you are grieving or living right now. It may hit you or it may not. There is no right or wrong. Perhaps it is shock and the practicalities eg. Funeral are taking over right now.

Look after yourself.
When my sister died I slept a lot during the day. I think talking to people and holding myself together was exhausting. I also couldn't cry for her, but knew I needed to get the emotions out, so I would watch films that I could cry at.
I hope that you find something that works for you

Your grief will come out in its own time OP. I initially cried for my sister when she died, but it turned to anxiety and panic attacks that were exhausting for me. I cry now - quite randomly really, over a song on the radio or a movie she loved. It’s like it’s coming out in sudden bursts, and I think that is just how the processing over time works . Sending you hugs, it’s such a tough thing to go through xx

There's no right or wrong. When mum died I didn't cry or feel upset and I never did. I just accepted it. We were very close.

I was like this when my mum died it’s really exhausting and yy panic attacks. For about two months I had to nap every afternoon to make it through the day. I am low door months in and it’s really starting to hit me.

i would say gratefully grab the moments when you feel ok or almost ok. Because when waves hit it’s horrendous. My husband likens it to being sick …. It’s builds up and then you feel great when it lifts. Well…. Comparatively.

I am sorry for your loss op ❤️

Thank you all for your kind words. I do have support at the funeral with DH and other siblings and their partners and so many people have said they are going so it will be nice in a way to see how loved he was.
It just feels so different. When my parents died they were ill, we nursed and cared for them, we were with them when they died and we could grieve and begin to move on. This was so sudden. He was here, he went to hospital and then he died, within 26 hours. He was here, then he wasn't. He died alone in a hospital in the middle of the night.
The coroner has now raised questions in my head about the whole thing and it just feels like such a mess.
Between the pack of sleep and work and the suddenness of it all and my absolute exhaustion its just not processing. I've been given a prescription for zopiclone but the pharmacy can't get any until Tuesday so I'm hoping that will help.

Maybe you're right and there's an element of a protection from inside.

And I'm so sorry for anyone else who has lost anyone here.

I’m so sorry for your loss.
I lost my brother too, suddenly and too young. I was immediately involved in looking out for his wife and children who were in their teens and early twenties. My sisters and I gave the eulogy at his funeral which helped. I had the fatigue etc but the grief didn’t fully hit until almost a year later. It would have been his silver wedding anniversary and I was talking on the phone to his wife when I felt something snap in me and I was plunged into a deep grief. I couldn’t celebrate my own silver anniversary as few weeks later because he didn’t get to celebrate his. I still have tears now just writing this and it’s almost a decade ago now. At times I was angry at him for dying.
You do adjust, it does ease. In the early weeks there can be so much to do that there isn’t time to grieve conventionally but that’s absolutely normal.
Be kind to yourself and give yourself time.

I'm glad that you have other siblings for support and hope you can lean on them. I'm an only child so have nothing really to add. But my experience when people have died suddenly (no close relatives, but two good friends) has been primarily about shock, not grief. In one case it took over a year before I felt anything like grief. With ill parents the shock came much earlier when they started to decline and had poor prognoses, so I think was dealt with before death.

I’m so sorry OP.
In response to why are you feeling like that….

I think we automatically do what we need to and it’s different both for every person grieving and for every person we lose.

What you are describing is exactly how I reacted to my dad’s death- no initial feeling of grief, just exhausted, carrying on but in slow mo. Then I was driving on the motorway one day and burst into uncontrollable crying so much so I had to pull over on the hard shoulder. Since then I feel different- can’t explain why but I feel as if something was released.

I hope you have support around you for when you need it and, in time, can enjoy all the memories you have of your brother. x

Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I agree with PPs that grief can be unpredictable. My sister passed away last year when I was 8 months pregnant with my 2nd daughter. She missed meeting her by 20 days. I thought I would fall apart when she died but because of my daughter I had to hold myself together and like you don't feel as though I have grieved properly.

I even registered her death and planned the funeral as I didn't want my Mum to have to do it and was numb throughout. At the funeral however I was in bits. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I sometimes feel guilty for smiling or for not being more upset but you go into self preservation mode.

I think of my sister every day and sometimes shed a little tear or talk to her if it's something she'd find funny/interesting. You'll find your own way to remember your brother but don't beat yourself up for not crying. Your reaction is totally normal and personal to you. I hope the funeral isn't too difficult a day for you. Sending lots of love and hugs.

I'm so sorry OP