How do you break up with someone you don't hate?

[LeavingPerhaps]

Im pretty sure my relationships is on the rocks but my DP doesn't seem to recognise it.

We've been together over 5 years, no kids. We own a house together.

I've realised we don't have the same values. E.g. I'm very independent, he's very happy for someone else to clean up after him and do his shopping. I'm family oriented and spend time with my parents. He doesn't call his Mum nevermind see her very often - to the point he doesnt buy her gifts but is very happy for someone else to do it for him, like hes a child. I'm a saver, he's a spender.

He doesn't seem to see how different we are and uses examples of us being into the same hobbies, having the same view on marriage and children. Whereas I see a future of me spending a load of time facilitating his life and him not caring enough to clean the toilet after use.

Practically, how would you actually start this process? I don't want to hurt him, there's lots that is great about him and I genuinely believe he loves me. And I love him, but this level of resentment is making me a bitter, sad person.

You don't have to hate someone to break up with them, and you don't have to watertight arguments to do it either. I think the first thing you maybe need to get your head around is that. So even if he thinks you are great together, even if he thinks your reasons aren't good, if you don't want to be with him, then you can break up with him any time you like.

Practically, I think you should sit him down and tell him you want to break up, and that you have made your mind up about it and are not willing to enter into a discussion. It will most likely be very difficult for him to hear, but hopefully when he calms down, you can have a more rational discussion about sale of your property etc.

You do it with respect and love. It will hurt him, that’s inevitable, but ending it as soon as you know is the kindest thing to do.

In the past I’ve started the convo with a simple ‘I haven’t been happy lately… I still care about you deeply but I need time alone etc’.

I suggest you think about and then practice what you're going to say to him.

Decide what would be the best time to do it. (For example, decide it's going to be on Monday evening when you both get back from work.)

Have a selection of go-to phrases that you have practised.

Play the scenario over in your head a few times so that you have mentally rehearsed the various ways it could go.

Some of your phrases might be along the lines of...

"We need to talk. Is now a good time?"

"This isn't working for me any more. I need to talk to you about how we can separate in the best way possible."

"I feel that we've both grown and want different things and are on different paths."

"I don't see this as a failure. Five years is a good innings, but our relationship has run its course."

"How do you think we should approach this? I was thinking we get the house ready to sell and call in an estate agent."

Good luck with it. And remember, the future's bright!

I’m not sure of the practicalities other than just talking to him and being honest.
there seems to be an unwritten rule that we can only leave someone if they cheat or are abusive but sometimes things just don’t work out or a relationship doesn’t make you happy. And that’s ok.
it’s hard work and unattractive to have to be a mother for your partner so I totally get this.

I suppose you could plan if you could buy him out or if he can buy you out or if you have to sell your house.

you will hurt him because but prob only because you will upset his status quo. I
mean, I hate cleaning and housework and laundry and I’m rubbish at remembering birthdays but I have to do it because I’m an adult and I don’t want to upset the people
i care about. That’s life.

if you think he can change, you could talk to him and set up a rota of shared tasks (effectively teaching him to be an adult which is rubbish). But if you have kids together it’s likely to revert back to how it is now esp if you take mat leave. Then you’ll have all the childcare and all the housework. And it’ll be hard to switch back when you return to work.

Good luck with it.

Thanks everyone.

I've had conversations about 'how can we mitigate these differences?' before but I never quite got to the breaking up bit.

He is a good guy. One of our differences was highlighted this week talking about winning the lottery. I had a plan to build a new house for us, then gice a chunk to our friends and family who are struggling to get on the ladder. His view was we would donate it all to charity because other people need it more - he's not evil, just different to me.

The piece about it being easier to end something when there's abuse or infidelity feels true which is absolutely insane! I don't want to be with someone because he hasn't cheated on me ...

Has anyone tried writing a letter?

Might counselling help or should I go straight for the split?

As harsh as this sounds, it’s time to grow up and have an honest conversation. If he’s been a good partner he deserves that not a letter.

Thanks everyone, I know I just need to make a decision and go for it. When the relationship isn't awful, it's hard to know what's for the best sometimes.

I'm usually fairly assertive but find this stuff really difficult. I also don't have a lot of experience.

The letter idea wasn't about leaving him with nothing but the letter(!) but maybe about giving him something outlining my thoughts, let him digest and then start a conversation. Anytime I raise an issue, he closes me down as per OP as he thinks our relationship is great. And I know that's on me too.