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Original poster

mum with dementia -how do you cope?

8 replies

FireAction · 30/03/2023 09:57

she lives at home with my dad and I help out when I can. now, not really knowing who we are. it's so heart breaking and hard

OP posts:
MrsFloraPoste · 30/03/2023 10:56

I am so sorry you are going through this. Sending hugs.

Does she still have any lucid days?

My grandmother with whom I was very close is currently slipping away and it’s horrible to watch, because of course those of us left behind are powerless to do anything.

Two things that help me to cope;

  1. I wrote to her. I told her everything I could think of that she had done for me, and wrote down happy memories, things I learned from her, what I was grateful for etc. It was hugely cathartic because she was able to understand it, and I won’t feel that there’s anything unsaid when she does go completely.
  1. I remember and take comfort from the fact that she is for the most part fairly content. All dementia looks different, but if the people around can agree with harmless delusions such as talking to photographs, then the sufferer is often less confused. She sits most of the time by the window going through a box of old photos and cards and letters and inviting people long gone over for tea. She sets the table for people who aren’t coming. It’s much harder for everyone else to watch, but she isn’t unhappy in herself.

That’s it really. It’s a horrible condition but she will still value your presence so keep going and sitting with her, and try and find something that can keep her occupied.

Daleksatemyshed · 30/03/2023 13:29

There is a Dementia board Op where you'll find others in your sad situation. I never really learnt to cope with my DM I just took it one day at a time. Good luck and my sympathies

DaughtersOfAtlas · 30/03/2023 18:56

I'm sorry you're in this horrible situation OP, I really feel for you. I don't think I can offer anything nearly as constructive as @MrsFloraPoste, excellent post!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Dementia & alzheimer's
Muchtoomuchtodo · 30/03/2023 19:00

what help does she need? What are you able to do?

Does your dad need more support? Some respite time?

Getting a social worker who can do care needs and carers assessments might be a good idea so that additional support can be organised to help you and your Dad to cope.

Original poster
FireAction · 31/03/2023 17:12

MrsFloraPoste · 30/03/2023 10:56

I am so sorry you are going through this. Sending hugs.

Does she still have any lucid days?

My grandmother with whom I was very close is currently slipping away and it’s horrible to watch, because of course those of us left behind are powerless to do anything.

Two things that help me to cope;

  1. I wrote to her. I told her everything I could think of that she had done for me, and wrote down happy memories, things I learned from her, what I was grateful for etc. It was hugely cathartic because she was able to understand it, and I won’t feel that there’s anything unsaid when she does go completely.
  1. I remember and take comfort from the fact that she is for the most part fairly content. All dementia looks different, but if the people around can agree with harmless delusions such as talking to photographs, then the sufferer is often less confused. She sits most of the time by the window going through a box of old photos and cards and letters and inviting people long gone over for tea. She sets the table for people who aren’t coming. It’s much harder for everyone else to watch, but she isn’t unhappy in herself.

That’s it really. It’s a horrible condition but she will still value your presence so keep going and sitting with her, and try and find something that can keep her occupied.

I think the letter thing is a good idea, although we have never been a very expressive family.

but no, she is not content. she is very distressed and confused a lot of the time. she has lucid times, most days I would say...but it changes minute to minute. i don't want to be wishing for this but it feels like it would almost be better for her, if she was WORSE. I don't even know if that is true. currently she wants to go home all the time. she IS home 😥

OP posts:
Original poster
FireAction · 31/03/2023 17:17

Muchtoomuchtodo · 30/03/2023 19:00

what help does she need? What are you able to do?

Does your dad need more support? Some respite time?

Getting a social worker who can do care needs and carers assessments might be a good idea so that additional support can be organised to help you and your Dad to cope.

it's respite care that I provide really. she can still get upstairs to the toilet/bed, brushes her own teeth, feeds herself, washes herself. needs help to dress, cook, needs a wheelchair outside the house. she wanders as well, which is hard. dad won't accept outside help, not that it's been offered...I think you have to pay for it? I don't think that she would respond well to strangers. it's a weird situation, because it's really just meals and supervision that is needed. she definitely can't be left alone...tendency to wander but inability to walk very far, so prone to falls

OP posts:
Original poster
FireAction · 31/03/2023 17:18

Daleksatemyshed · 30/03/2023 13:29

There is a Dementia board Op where you'll find others in your sad situation. I never really learnt to cope with my DM I just took it one day at a time. Good luck and my sympathies

thank you ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
FireAction · 31/03/2023 17:19

DaughtersOfAtlas · 30/03/2023 18:56

I'm sorry you're in this horrible situation OP, I really feel for you. I don't think I can offer anything nearly as constructive as @MrsFloraPoste, excellent post!

thank you ❤️

OP posts:
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