What is wrong with me?

[Yeiscray]

Please don’t be too hard on me, because believe me- I am the hardest on myself and thought worse than you’re thinking. I have always been outgoing, confident, friendly however since having my 3rd baby (2nd baby during Covid) it has changed me dramatically. I am going through a lupus and adhd diagnosis, my life has changed so much in 2 years.

Bullet points helps my dyslexia so apologies for simplifying;

•Im in pain daily (joints, fatigue, migraines)

•my mind won’t let me leave the house most days

•it’s that bad I book but then give away most of my tickets to baby groups because I can’t face them so stay at home anxious about being a terrible mum

•when I do leave the house it’s been meticulously planned for some time

•I have panic attacks when out or when I have to queue up

•snapping at family and unknowingly pushed majority of friends away (as most plans fall through majority of the time with them and I can’t handle it).

•mundane things make me anxious- the school run (I have to do it twice daily), turning my car around on the main road I live on (so stupid I know!), taking the babies anywhere on my own, doing activities at home with the kids because I just end up staring into space and the kids think I’m ignoring them or I snap, the house being untidy makes me anxious and so on!

I spoke to postnatal mental health team around 8 months ago and they point blank refused to help because “I have a good bond with my children and as a rule of thumb women who experience PND/PNA don’t bond with their child(ren)” so no help. I’ve had 1 lot of CBT in the and 1 lot of counselling and it didn’t help, just made me realise talking about it every week was just as depressing as living it and gave me no new skills to sort things out. I’m reluctant to take antidepressants because in the past they killed my sex drive and any joy I find in anything (I was just existing on them), GP agreed, antidepressants are last resort for me.

Im a musician, haven’t done it since I fell pregnant with 1st baby (over 7 years ago!), just joined a new band (in the hope it gives me a kick up the arse!) and although looking forward to it also panicking that I’ll have to actually do it and have to perform live. All rehearsals are booked, but an open mic has been thrown at me by the band and has sent me into a spiral- years ago I lived for this kind of thing, would relish it even. Slightly dramatic but I feel like my soul is dying, like I’m crippled by my own mind. Has anyone else felt like this? What did you do? I feel like taking a shit load of drugs and drink (I won’t) to get through.

I just don’t know what’s wrong with me- DC are young 6, 2 & 1 (SAHM).

Also breastfeeding which is why GP is reluctant for antidepressants

Shameless bump

I can't believe that the mental health team have said that to you.

That is simply not true. It sounds to me (unqualified but who has experienced PND in all 3 pregnancies) that you have depression. Now whether they want to be picky about calling it PND, it has happened after you have given birth. And you have said your life has changed since before. Have you spoken to your GP? Have you thought about antidepressants?

I feel for you. It can be debilitating. I was too anxious to go anywhere when my little on was young and the guilt was unbearable. But remember, babies do not know any better. They want fed, clothed and loved.

You aren't going to damage your baby by not going to baby clubs.

Thank you so much for reading and replying it means a lot. Yes I spoke to the post natal MH team, the counsellor and my GP and they all
told me it can’t be PND/PNA because I’ve bonded with my DC, I was so confused and it’s knocked me for six as I’m genuinely so different in my character after the 3rd baby, I was completely out of character in the pregnancy too, so low, anxious, it was horrendous and I got little to no support through it, midwife brushed it off with me- I suppose it is my fault as I use humour to guise my feelings and was cracking jokes throughout the appointments but I would make her laugh in hysterics then in the same breath have a panic attack and hysterically cry then apologise profusely, nothing was moved on from that though- just an extra 10 minutes added to my appointments and a csection booked because I was obsessively anxious about the birth (my first csection after 2 natural labours).

My head is scrambled, I don’t want to take anti depressants because they make me very flat and joyless and annihilate my sex drive but I’m just clutching at straws, plus I’m breastfeeding and Gp is reluctant to prescribe them.

I'm so sorry to read you're going through this - it sounds very difficult and worrying for you.
Here's what stood out in your post - Your body is physically suffering; you can't face going out; even the smallest tasks are filling you with fear and dread; you're zoning out from activities and conversations. Your home surroundings are making you anxious because you can't keep on top of the housework.

I'm not any medical expert at all but it sounds to me as if you are experiencing burn-out and complete overwhelm. (It might be PND related but I couldn't comment on that).

You're trying to cope with burn-out and exhaustion by planning and doing more, pushing your body harder, meeting more people and pushing yourself to live the two lives - the one you have now and your previous one.

May I gently suggest that you listen to your own body and mind, slow down and simplify everything you possibly can.
Suspend everything that is not absolutely essential. Let your friends know that you are having some difficult health issues and you can't meet up or go out for a while. Treat yourself kindly as someone who is in need of complete rest and recovery, (as far as possible given your circumstances). Stay at home as much as possible and recuperate. Give yourself time to recover both physically and mentally. Prioritise a strict sleep regime and a simple repetitive daily routine that eases the basics of life. Then allow yourself time to have some quiet and downtime to let your mind wander and decompress. Not easy with children, but try it as much as you can.

When you are ready and if you feel able, set aside a slot once every couple of weeks to invite one friend over for an hour or two at most. And don't move on from that until you feel ready to face more. Small steps and slowly - You are being very hard on yourself - a mum to 3 little ones is exhausting in itself.