He's at it again

[GettingStuffed]

So it's my birthday on Saturday and we're having a family meal out. DH asks me where I want to go. Instead of booking it he's looking up other restaurants to see what's out there. I've told him three times where I want to go but he keeps trying to make me change my mind, and says it's up to me. He's like this with lots of things, Friday or Sunday dinner if I choose something different to what he'd choose he'll try to get me to change my mind.

There is a chance he's autistic but he's nearly 70 so autism hadn't been "invented" then.
Does anyone else have a husband like this?

In most other ways he's fine but he does like to get his own way.

"DH, it's my birthday and I want to go to X. Now please either book it by 7pm tonight or I'll book it myself. On your birthday please take your time deciding but be aware that an extended thought process might rule out your top choice. Please don't let procrastinating rule out mine..."

Just book it yourself. All sorted then.

Have you she'd him why he's looking at other places when you've decided what YOU want to do for YOUR birthday. I'd just tell him that it winds you up and makes you feel disrespected and unimportant. Even if he is autistic and can't imagine why it would make you feel like that, he can deal with the fact that you don't like it so he shouldn't do it. That's basic toddler understanding.

She'd=asked

So your DH asked you where you want to go.
You've told him where you want to go.
Tell him "DH, you've asked and I have told you where I want to go for my birthday meal. Either book it and it's done or tell me you're not going to book it and I'll do it myself. It's disrespecting my choice when you do what you're doing."

Then he either books it or you do.

Book it yourself.

I know a woman in a similar situation. Every year she says where she'd like to go on holiday. Her husband spends weeks looking at alternatives, and every time, they end up with crappy accomodation as everywhere is sold out, or go somewhere neither of them really want. I can't understand it at all.

Much easier to make the booking yourself.

Can you not just book it yourself then OP? I don't mean that to sound snide, at all, just that this is what I'd do in those circumstances. Either say " I've decided on x restaurant - will you book or shall I" or just book it and tell him it's booked.

If he has designs on eating out elsewhere he's welcome to look and book it another time isn't he, when it isn't your birthday.

I could do it myself but I'd be met with disapproval. I do need to put on my big girl pants but , and I know this sounds childish but I'm scared, not of him but of doing adult things in general.

Book it yourself. His behaviour would be incredibly annoying - an ex girlfriend of mine was the same.
Interestingly enough she was diagnosed with ASD later last year.

My Mum acts in a similar way. What’s really annoying is that she just goes on and on with random reasons as to why “somewhere/Something else might work better for everyone” rather than at least having the decency to say that she doesn’t want to x and wants to do y instead. It’s infuriating but she’s always got away with getting her own way so she’s just unstoppable.

Start today, book the table! 👍🏻

I did, I booked the table and there was a little bit of an atmosphere until DS messaged me saying yum.

Out of nosiness, why are you met with disapproval if you book a restaurant table? Is booking stuff usually his job or does he not like you making decisions?

There's an atmosphere when you decide to take the reins on where to go for your birthday meal?

Ah here now. He's having a laugh. Time to sit him down and tell him this cannot continue and you won't be putting up with his 'atmosphere' as he's the one bringing the atmosphere, not you. You gave him clear instructions and he decided to go of on a wild goose chase of his own trying to find anywhere else, instead of taking the easy option of going where you wanted to go.

I honestly don't think his age has anything to do with it except that probably he's been allowed get away with it for the bulk of his life. Well there is always a good time to start doing new things!

Was there an atmosphere, or was it your own stress making you think there was?

I ask because I've been where you are. I have a parent who would always say 'where would you like to eat?' and then always make us feel like we'd chosen the 'wrong' one. It really affected my decision-making ability for literally anything, and I became one of those annoying 'I don't mind' people because it was easier than making the 'wrong' choice.

As an adult I've learned to ignore. We can't all have what we want all the time, especially on someone else's birthday! Try not to 'look' for him being disapproving at the meal, it's really hard though.

If he makes everyone uncomfortable, pushes his food around the plate, makes a face and/or complains, just say straight up, 'DH it's MY birthday and you yourself said it was 'up to me'. We'll go where you want for your birthday, but stop being selfish and trying to ruin mine, it's really spoilt toddler behaviour.'

Then ignore and change the subject with DC.

Oh well, tough shit! It's your birthday and your choice where to go. Well done for booking the table. The more you do things like this, the more he'll get used to it.