ExH misses an event and I get the blame

[EverythingIsMyFault]

DC is 8. I am the RP, ExH NRP - ExH sees DC EOWend for 2 nights only. He's been offered regular weekday contact either overnight or just for tea and he very occasionally has it but maybe 2 or 3 times a year at most.

ExH very rarely goes to school events. There’s usually 2 tickets per child and I always offer him one but he usually says he can’t go.

He was supposed to go to an event last week, he made a big song and dance about going and how he couldn’t wait. He forgot when it was and didn’t turn up. I was there.

DC blamed me for ExH not being there, shouted that it was my fault, I should of told him when and where it was and I should of waited for him outside and reminded him.

Last year I couldn’t go to an event being hosted, I tried my best but I had a big presentation with work I couldn’t rearrange, when I realised I couldn’t go I asked DC who they wanted to go instead (they chose their favourite of my siblings and sibling in laws). But DC still often mentions “When mum couldn’t go because of work and how it made them feel cross and upset”.

Last few days they’ve bought that up alongside me “forgetting” to remind dad to be there, it’s all my fault and I keep being told I’m a bad mother for not making sure ExH was there.

I told DC to take it up with ExH, and they said no because it was my fault dad forgot so why would they ask him about it.

They haven’t been to ExHs house since the event (going this weekend) but are still insisting it’s my fault.

I get it I think, but it still hurts that he forgot and it’s my fault in the eyes of DC.

I know for next time –if theres a next time—to remind ExH several times to ensure he’s there – not that I should have to, we’re not married anymore and I’m not his mother.

Reassure me DC will forgive me? And will they ever stop being upset that I missed last years event even though I prepared them as much as possible?

For added context DC has SN and a medical condition, so I think they thought in their head that I’d magically be there even though I told them I couldn’t be after I’d spoken repeatedly to my manager to try and work the presentation around the school event (but couldn’t due to the client involved).

Dc clearly has some ideas about whose job it is to remind dad to do things - probably from what they saw when you were together - not their fault but you can reiterate that dad is a grown up and he’s responsible for himself just like you:

@Shoxfordian We split when DC was a baby, they'd just started nursery when we split and there was no events really then.

This screams to me that DC just can't bring themselves to admit that dad didn't care enough to remember. You're there and so you're easy to blame and to direct their anger to.

It's not your fault and it's not wrong you couldn't make the last event. Your child is hurting and doesn't know how to deal with that hurt.

Is there anyone at school or elsewhere they can talk to about their feelings?

You are the safe parent because you are always there - they can lash out at you, express (misplaced) anger / disappointment at you and know you will still love them. They can’t do that to your ex husband, and so you are getting the blame. I have this with my 11 year old, but there are odd glimpses that he gets it now. Hang on in there, with time they will realise you did everything you could

Hard to say not knowing the extent of your DC's SN/medical condition. Could it be that it is safer for them to blame you rather than face the reality that their dad is uncaring/a bit useless? If I were you I'd just acknowledge their feelings "you're so sad your dad didn't make it" and give them a hug or whatever. They may never stop talking about you missing that one show but I wouldn't take it personally if I were you.

My eldest son (some sen) blamed me for his dad forgetting his younger brothers birthday we argued about it in the end I told him (fairly abruptly) he was there the day his brother was born like me and (even worse) he has his brothers date of birth TATOOED ON HIS FUCKING ARM I have three children I manage to keep track of there birthdays appointments schools shoe sizes clothing sizes preferences etc he has TWO and can't remember their birthdays (has no clue about anything else either)

NOT MY FAULT SON

He still grumps that I could have reminded him I said why? If its important he will remember it he remembered his girlfriends kids birthday and he only met them a couple of years ago

With ds I think its guilt his dad and family clearly favour him over his (more profoundly sen) brother his dad has historically been embarrassed by his brother and its not the first year his family has forgotten its the first time he has forgotten though and I did ring him two days later to kinda "confront" him about it I said they either need to acknowledge both or neither because its unfair and he agreed

@Kinsters Dyslexia and Speech Delay and Language Processing Disorder, suspected Dyspraxia/Co-ordination Disorder.

Exactly this

You are the person DC feels safe to express their distress to. It's painful for you, but a sign of their security.

For their benefit, the best response is to recognise and validate their emotions, and reframe it in a truer context.

"I know, it was really upsetting for you. I'm so sorry you were disappointed. I wish there was a way of being sure daddy would be there. It hurts when people let us down. I'm so glad I was able to go- I loved the bit where... (say something distracting to move the conversation on to positives)."

Re the past time "Gosh I was so sad I couldn't be there. I wanted to be so much, and I did try! Grown ups have to work, just like your teachers, and sometimes they just have no choice about when. Luckily, it doesn't happen very often, and I get paid, so we can have ice-cream (or other favourite food item) for tea! What's your favourite flavour?!"

Your child is in denial that dad is at fault here. As the person that they don't see much, they've been idolised into a person that they are not. I'm sorry that you are bearing the brunt of his fantasy that his dad is perfect.
💐

The parent the child feels safest with usually gets the worst treatment.

@Twizbe pretty much sums it up. You are the one who is physically with your child at the moment. Your DC has hurt feelings inside and at 8 doesn’t know how to deal with them.

Its a case of kicking the cat, and if you can get your head around it, see it as a compliment that your child knows they can say these hurtful things and you will still love them.

They're being themselves with you, laying themselves bare (as it were) and lashing out at you because they're annoyed / upset / etc. You're their safe place, their constant and they can be themselves with you, even if that means taking it out on you when it isn't your fault. Try to not take it personally.

I get why the lashing out.
However, I’d tell him straight that the ex is not your responsibility. I wouldn’t want them to learn that this stuff is a woman’s job.

@MyriadOfTravels When I do that they say it's still my job to make sure he's there and doesn't forget.

The only thing you can do is repeat it again and again (like we do for lot of other subjects to be fair). Remind them being an adult means being able to remember appointments on your own whereas as a child, they still have you to help them. Its just being an adult and when they will be, they will be able to do it too.
And what other posters have said about talkig abut their feelings of disappointments etc... because they need to be heard AND that's the real issue.

And stay calm. Even though I get why its hurtful.

Is there also something about what their dad is telling them - Something like 'Yes I REALY wanted to cme but @EverythingIsMyFault didnt remind me/didnt tell me exactly at what it started" etc...?

Another useful phrase-
I'm not in charge of (your daddy).

It's good for all manner of things where you are being blamed for things outside your control.

Also, admitting that you're sad about it too. "I'm not in charge of daddy anymore, I can't make him remember things or tell him what to do. Just like I can't tell Fred's daddy what to do, or your teacher. They are grown ups and they get to do all that stuff themselves! I wish I could tell Mr Smith what to do- I'd ask him to let you do PE every day if you want to!"

See also "Gosh I have enough to do remembering what I need to do, and reminding you what to do! I don't think I could manage someone else as well!"

@picklemewalnuts Great phrases thank you I will try these

I would say "Daddy can save the event on his phone calendar like I do" or "If daddy isn't sure when it is then he can check the school website/parent mail" or "Next time you can phone daddy the day before to remind him " (Not sure about that last one but he'll know that dad's absence isn't because of you or him)

My ex used to actually tell our DC that it was my fault when he forgot something as I should have reminded him. Difficult and frustrating when they were younger but as they have got older I have pointed out to them that no-one reminds me and I am responsible for remembering and coordinating a hell of a lot more than he is.

He still tries now but they are more than happy to point out I'm not his personal assistant themselves and can see him for what he is.

I don't have any experience of how much harder additional needs would make this to deal with but please don't beat yourself up about it and overcompensate for someone who can't be arsed. Only one person is responsible for letting down your DC and it's not you.

It's taken 10 years for my kids and ex to realise that the info about school holidays is posted years in advance and I'm not gatekeeping that info. The kids assumed that as a mum I just know everything rather than copied the dates from the website or from Parent Mail so I don't forget.

Is DC old enough to remind DF? - it would probably shame DF into trmembering

Hold calm
hold the line
calmly say no - your father is an adult and parent and he needs to remember and he gets equal contact from the school

offer All tickets in text and time z etc and keep them and ‘show if needed’

any why didn’t he come? Direct at him, don’t make excuses.

mine didn’t turn up twice for pick up (3 hour drive away) son beside himself - I kept calm and reassured him - I will always be there and always pick you up

mine did it deliberately so I can’t go on holiday or fly anywhere - we have to book a U.K. holiday and make sure he can come and I’ve learnt not to book theatre etc in case he needs a ticket! Controlling behaviour from ex

Your boy is hurting. I know it's fucking shit, but try and focus on that. He's raging about the fact that his father is a waste of space; he's starting to realise.

Hugs to you both.

I get people's recommendations of saying "daddy could do XYZ", but, that's not what he needs to hear, I think. DS is expressing his "heart" rather than his "head", if that makes sense? Logic is irrelevant.

Again, I absolutely know how hard it is. But, be there for him. Show him you love him, tell him you're sorry for how sad he is.