Controlling friend

Stinkypink · 2023-03-27T14:02:56+00:00

Please tell me your stories of a controlling friend, why you suspected they behaved that way and what you did to end the situation.

IsAnybody · 27/03/2023 15:05

You first OP!

Sparkletastic · 27/03/2023 15:18

Tell us your situation OP and we'll see if we can advise

Whoiscomingtosaveyou · 27/03/2023 15:21

What media company are you with?

Carsarelife · 27/03/2023 15:34

Which newspaper article is this for?

imanewuser · 27/03/2023 15:38

I'm v intrigued to hear more about this. I have a very controlling friend. She has inadvertently admitted to be controlling by the fact she 1) introduced the term 'controlling' when referring to someone else we know, which in turns means she has been thinking of it herself and 2) told me that she tells her DD to be the driver for her friends when they go out as that way DD can control what time they all go and leave.

namechangeforthisbleep · 27/03/2023 16:15

imanewuser · 27/03/2023 15:38

I'm v intrigued to hear more about this. I have a very controlling friend. She has inadvertently admitted to be controlling by the fact she 1) introduced the term 'controlling' when referring to someone else we know, which in turns means she has been thinking of it herself and 2) told me that she tells her DD to be the driver for her friends when they go out as that way DD can control what time they all go and leave.

How does calling someone else controlling mean she is controlling. That doesn't make sense

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 27/03/2023 16:45

When I went out for food with another friend, she waited outside my house in her car for me to get home (we had no plans - she just expected me to be available to her).

She would always say one of her friends had been slagging me off. It felt odd as I didn't know this friend at all. While on a night out, I bumped into the friend and asked her about it. Turns out, it was all complete lies. She'd been telling her friend that I'd been doing the same about her. I've no idea the rationale behind this one.

She'd repeatedly tell our mutual friend that she was my best friend - not mutual friend.

She tried very hard to isolate me from the mutual friend, with them both ghosting me. Mutual friend apologised after a few weeks, after realising what had happened and finding their resulting closer friendship suffocating. Stalker friend then saw us together and followed us in her car, down a motorway to someone's house. We had to threaten to call the police to get her to leave.

I was 19/20 ish. She was 20/21. I had just left an abusive relationship and jumped straight into an abusive friendship, which I didn't even know existed!

Original poster

Stinkypink · 27/03/2023 21:34

Ok my turn. My friend is a long term work colleague of 18 years. Almost everything we do is her choice - lunch out in the city (always her choice), the office layout, the colour of the office chairs even, city breaks. I’m not a walk over by any means, however it’s near impossible to do something of my choosing. I don’t understand why this dynamic exists, it feels imbalanced.

OP posts:

Gravelady · 27/03/2023 21:38

Have gotten rid of them all! For me with age came wisdom and absolutely no desire or energy to put up it anymore. Having friends like that destroyed my self esteem

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 27/03/2023 21:39

"I liker the restaurant you picked last time. My turn to choose! I've heard good things about X so I've booked us a table for 7pm."

Weallgottachangesometime · 27/03/2023 21:40

I had a friend who was very controlling. It didn’t come out immediately as on the surface she seemed like a chilled person. However over time her control became more apparent. She was (still is I suspect) terribly controlling of her husband, that was very obvious. In our friendship she would seek to control everything - even down to where we sat when we went to visit the beach, what time we left somewhere, what day we met up. It was quite subtle as she wasn’t rude- she was just very insistent and this, along with me being laid back, meant it took a while for me to realise about the control.

She acknowledged she was controlling (not sure if she called it that) but said that it was because of her anxiety linked to her autism. I tried to be understanding but at the end of the day her behaviour was impacting on me negatively and I had to end the friendship. My husband still speaks to hers and the control in the relationship sounds terrible- constant criticism of everything he does- literally constant.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 27/03/2023 21:41

I don't understand this at all. When she wants something, if you agree, fine. If you don't like the sound of it, suggest something else and don't give in until there's a compromise!

Weallgottachangesometime · 27/03/2023 21:44

Stinkypink · 27/03/2023 21:34

Ok my turn. My friend is a long term work colleague of 18 years. Almost everything we do is her choice - lunch out in the city (always her choice), the office layout, the colour of the office chairs even, city breaks. I’m not a walk over by any means, however it’s near impossible to do something of my choosing. I don’t understand why this dynamic exists, it feels imbalanced.

maybe keep a mental notes of the next few things she overrules you on. Then in a week say- “you chose the restaurant last weekend and the film Friday night. I’d really like to go to x for lunch today”.

Also you can say no. Maybe do that a few times. “Actually I don’t fancy curry tonight so I think I’ll just stay in. Maybe we can’t catch up next week”.

some people can take the feedback and be aware and others can’t. Does she boss everyone about or is it just in your relationship?

Original poster

Stinkypink · 27/03/2023 21:57

Weallgot- it’s others too but mostly me. I like the idea of taking turns choosing

OP posts:

WandaWonder · 27/03/2023 22:02

If you are genuine op you can tell us yours first

WandaWonder · 27/03/2023 22:04

WandaWonder · 27/03/2023 22:02

If you are genuine op you can tell us yours first

OK you have now, just say no or say 'this time we are doing...'

That is what I have done