Finding yourself

[slowyourrow]

Hi I'm new and never posted.
Thought I'd jump in with something that's been on my mind. A therapist suggested I need to find out who I am so I can take time for myself since I don't really get any. I've been a SAHM for 16 years and lost who I am. I can't think back to before kids as I was very young and hadn't really seen anything before kids. I've researched and read google stuff on finding yourself but all seems a bit lame.

I feel pressured to find it so I can be a better person / parent.
Also hate I'm posting about it online as I didn't trust anywhere else in life.

Things I did in therapy:
• List of at least 15 things I like
• List of at least 10 things I don't like
• Have thought-out opinions on news stories. My therapist would question me on these, offering different views. You could do this on Mumsnet - the purpose is to develop your ability to form a rounded view and understand how it differs from alternative views
• Wander round bookshops and see what takes my fancy
• Figure out what music I liked (I was recovering from a controlling relationship; you might not need to do all of these!)
• Remember what food I like. Eat it.
• Watch stuff that makes me laugh

There's way more, but you get the idea. Are you thinking of going back to college and/or starting work? How's that shaping up in your mind?

It’s a bit of an unhelpful, vague term I think. What helped for me was really paying close attention to how I feel. Start small - pay attention to what you really want to eat, when you want to rest, what you want to watch on TV, when you feel angry about something, what you really want to do with your free time etc. And the massively important thing is to honour your feelings! If you’re bored of something, stop doing it. If you’re angry with someone, use that information to set a boundary with them. The more you honour your feelings the more self-trust and confidence you’ll develop, and the more your feelings will reveal themselves to you. The more you tune into your feelings the more you’ll start figuring out the bigger stuff, like finding hobbies or figuring out what you want in life, what your passions are etc.

This is helpful. Definitely not interested in going back into education or work.

I learnt to meditate which was a big step to being ok with being me. I guess it's looking at your likes/ dislikes, your expectations of life, how you want your future to look. Maybe writing it down will help.

Sometimes I feel if it's so simple why have I not found these things already?

Everybody needs to 'find themselves', often several times during a lifetime as things change. I had to rebuild after years of someone I loved (!) telling me who and what I was. I wasn't this person he'd invented, but I lost massive parts of my 'self' trying to fit in with him. I've had to do another rebuild in recent years because my circumstances have changed due to long-term illness. One classic time, for women, is after the youngest child has left home.

I don't know your situation or what brought you to therapy, but all sorts of things can interfere with your sense of self. A crappy childhood definitely does. Being wrapped up in other people's needs can do it, whether it's children or a demanding partner or aged parents. When people come out of addiction, they find they've got no idea who they are. Traumatic situations like war and disasters can take so much out of a person that they feel like an empty shell. Even just bumbling along with a group of friends can leave you thinking of yourself only as part of the group, then one day you realise you can't remember the last time you had a thought or feeling that was all your own.

I'm not keen on 'identity' as it's currently touted, but it is important and natural to get to know ourselves - and to like, respect and value the person that we are.

Sorry, that was a bit of a waffle just to say don't worry about it! You'll enjoy meeting yourself 🙂