Worried about increased risk of cervical cancer. TW - childhood abuse and neglect.

[HealthAnxiety22]

I read something recently that said more sexual partners causes an increased risk of cervical cancer and it’s really triggered my health anxiety.

I had a very traumatic childhood where I was abused and neglected by my mum and then really struggled in my late teens with my mental health. I turned to alcohol to numb the pain that I felt daily and I slept with lots of men because I felt that it was the only thing I had to offer anyone.

I have done years of counselling and I have come out the other side of all of this, which I am so proud of. But I do still deal with some feelings of shame when I think back to the way I lived my life.

Since reading about the increased risk of cervical cancer, I’m just so worried that that’s going to be my punishment. The karma I deserve for how I used to be. I have a smear test due and I’m going to call tomorrow to book it, but I’m just so afraid.

Lots of the sex was unprotected. I was living my life so recklessly.

I’m not sure exactly why I’m posting this. I think keeping it bottled up is making me feel worse and hopefully sharing it on here will help. It’s really hard for me to type this all out, so please don’t flame me here. I just can’t talk to anyone in real life about my worries.

The risk of cervical cancer is very small anyway, so the increase is a tiny amount of a tiny amount. And while lots of sexual partners might make it more likely it's not a definite and it depends on lots of other factors including your general health, any genetic predisposition, and just sheer (bad) luck.

Also: you do not 'deserve' a punishment for how you coped with trauma and mental illness. Nobody does. Please - with the coping skills and insight and experience you've gained since - be kind to the past version of you who coped with the skills they had then which weren't as developed.

Thank you @housemaus. I know I need to be kind to my younger self. I’m not the same person now that I was then, I suppose in someways, that’s what causes the feelings of shame. I just don’t always feel entirely worthy of the life I now have so I’m waiting for something to come along and throw a spanner in the works.

I totally recognise and empathise with that feeling. When things never went right, it's really easy to see good stuff as suspicious - like it's a rug that's always about to be pulled. And it's just because you've spent so long on high alert for the next bad thing - and you feel like that's resilience, when actually it's a trauma response. The goal is to get to a place of actual resilience: where bad things aren't an inevitability, but something you tackle when they get there (and don't deal with twice, once by worrying about them and again when they happen). But that's much easier said than done and if you work out how to get there, let me know! 😅

But it definitely starts with being gentle with your younger self, who did deserve the life you had now and some peace but was dealt a shitter hand: that wasn't her fault, and it's not yours either. Let yourself enjoy not being in that place of fear any more - there isn't always a catch.