Guilt that I told my parents

[IFeelSoSoSad]

30 years ago I disclosed to my parents that I had been abused by my only sibling. I am NC with the sibling now, but my parents are not ( I am really hurt by this, but of course that is their decision to make). They believe he has changed, and have let it go, maintaining a lovely relationship with him and his family. But I live with the consequences every single day. It has cast a huge shadow over my whole existence, my relationships, my parenting and my self worth. I even feel that it has affected my academically as I have have had intrusive thoughts anytime I don’t fill me eyes and ears with noise. Never able to concentrate well enough to study effectively.

They live alone (well, together) and I feel sad that they can’t have both their children home with them at the same time as I never ever want to see my abuser again. They are old and I am so stressed about how to deal with the inevitable when they reach the end of their lives. My remaining parent will need support, and I just can’t be around or even communicate with my sibling.

I should have said nothing, I wasn’t protected and still don’t feel safe. There was no point at all and I was right not to say anything until I moved to uni. I can’t imagine how more unsafe I would have felt at home as a child if I had told them, with them most probably sweeping it under the carpet. At the time I told them, they were devastated, absolutely heartbroken, however I wasn’t supported, just made to be with them as they went through the pain. They wanted me home, but that home is where I was abused. I was traumatised being there with them knowing the truth.

I have no hatred for them, I just feel that I was not worth protecting, and still aren’t. I am unbearably sad.

I am so sorry that this happened to you. You have done nothing wrong.

If your parents struggle with your lack of presence as they get older, then that will be the natural consequence of their own actions in first having failed to prevent the abuse in the first place, and then second having failed to support you appropriately afterwards. They could and should understand if you do not want to spend time in the home where the abuse happened, and if they choose to stay in that home even you understandably do not want to be there, then again, your absence will be the natural consequence of their choices. Not your fault, not you responsibility. 100% theirs.

I can also tell you that you were worth protecting, but you need to see that for yourself and statements by random people on the Internet are only a small first step to help with that. A qualified counselling professional should be able to help you work through this.

Thanks, YankeeDad. I appreciate your kindness and thoughts.

I have had therapy which ripped me open and left me raw and unable to continue with my life raising little children (this was many years ago). I am wary of trying again with therapy.

Just a note to add that I am a very long time poster, but have name changed for this as it is of course a very painful and sensitive situation.

Telling them was not a mistake. Letting it fester would be even harder.

you are free to set the terms of your relationship with your parents. If you need to see them outside of their home, you can set that boundary.

You also are not obligated to provide elder care. That is something many of us who have complicated relationships with our parents wrestle with. The truth is though that you have no obligation and can choose to do as little or as much as you are comfortable with. My boundary is that I will take care of administrative issues but not provide personal care. If being involved at all will require contact with your abuser, it would be ok to simply decline to participate.

@IFeelSoSoSad there are therapists who are very good, able to perceive the client and understand what is the correct way and also the correct speed for them to make progress. And then there are therapists who are really not very good. The challenge is, it is very difficult to know what you are getting. One approach, if you can afford it, is to see 2-3 different people for 1 session each and then choose. But you need to trust yourself regarding the if, the who and the when.

I have no hatred for them, I just feel that I was not worth protecting, and still aren’t. I am unbearably sad.

You ARE worth protecting. Some parents dont know how to protect their children as they weren't most likely protected by their own parents..and so the cycle continues.
They way they treat other ppl, including you, is about them...not you.
I understand your pain. To this day I am not seen/heard by my own parents and I am a lot LOT older than you.
Sending love...